Let’s face it we all find ourselves in situations with the opposite sex (and same sex) that are less than ideal.  The retched being picked up or should I say attempt at being picked up is always a circumstance I dread.  However, after years of practice I’ve found some interesting and straight up nasty ways of getting that man who has attached himself to me to leave.

SIDEBAR:  Those who know me are always shocked when I pull these out of the bag of tricks, because I’m always the nice one who will politely talk to the creepy boy and make a nice and descent exit, however, sometimes you can’t hold back.

6 Excuses I have used to get out of talking to a guy (or ways to get him to leave you alone!)

1.  When he asks you what kind of drink you want and insists he buys you one even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want one you come up with a disgusting drink concoction. This concoction should include two types of alcohol and orange soda if possible.  My personal favorite is Jamison, Greygoose, orange soda, and bitters.  When he asks if it’s good you say: “ No, but it gets me angry drunk, and that’s what I’m going for tonight!

2. Put a ring on it!  Yes girls do take rings off their other fingers turn them around and make them look like wedding rings so they can tell guys they are married. However, this doesn’t always work, but when you tell him you are married, make sure you say it’s to a woman.  Guys are fascinated by lesbians, but for some reason they get turned off by married lesbians.

3. Pretend you are deaf.  This only works when you are alone, and not sitting with headphones on.  I have on more than one occasion pretended I couldn’t hear on the subway when some creepy man has started to talk to me. I also do a great ‘deaf speak’ of “ I can’t hear” with the sign language followed by a smile and a look away.  This should not be confused with not speaking English. Guys get turned on by the idea of you not speaking English, but no one wants to be the creep hitting on the deaf girl.

4.  When at a bar ask the guy if he came with any female friends. When he asks why, or says yes. Ask if he thinks they might have a tampon cause you’re bleeding through them like crazy. They run faster than Moses parted the red sea.

5.  Start to dry heave and excuse yourself. Only at a small house party gathering will you maybe encounter the guy who will follow you and want to hold your hair, otherwise they’re done with you. Starting to pick your nose also works very well, as long as you get right up in there.

6. When they ask for your number say it’s better if they give you theirs because you wont be availed for a while. Tell them your doctors says you shouldn’t be having sex until 5 days after this cycle of medication you’re on is finished.

I know it may seem odd to some but I truly have never had a guy I was interested in who I assumed was interested in me tell me I was/am beautiful.

Like I said in that old post. I get cute alot, and sexy, and pretty, and sweet, and sure the creepy men on the train have called me beautiful, but an actual boy say those actual words. Never has happened.

Well that is until the other night.

I heard someone say, “you’re really beautiful”.

And I believed it.

And my heart fluttered like my heart has never fluttered before.

But yet, it’s still me so I am hesitant to believe anything from a guys mouth.

But for right now a guy makes me feel beautiful. It’s a new and exciting feeling.

And without sounding corny, it’s a beautiful feeling.

FACT: Me falling for a guy with bad teeth will never happen just so you know!

But what about a personality, or even more so the material things that reflect a persons personality.

We live in a materialistic world, and everyone loves things, no matter what they tell you. Things are good, and things somewhat make who you are. Like I hate getting rid of books that is telling to who I am.

So I’ve been thinking about what materials reflect well on a suitor I am have. Now reflecting materials are best seen in ones home. My kitchen aid mixer and my matching towels reflect more about my personality then my designer shoes and bags, or what glasses I happen to be wearing. How someone fills their living space, in a true reflection of how they fill their brain.

As I’ve slowly been unpacking my apartment and figuring out where to put everything I looked at my pile of art work and it made me think of guys. Guys with art.

Here is one thing I love, and something that will automatically make me intrigued and instantly more attracted to a guy. Art!

Now he doesn’t have to spend a fortune on art, or anything like that. Even one piece will make me look differently and pay more attention. This can even be a photograph. Guys with art make me swoon and get me interested in them. Their art choices tells alot about their personality, their likes, their dislikes, and their inner beauty.

I’ve become extremely attracted to guys with art collections, and photography walls. I can spend hours in museums so why not spend hours at a guy’s place admiring art and having sex.

An apartment without art is not a home, and if you don’t have a “home” why would I want to play house with you.

11 TOTALLY SWOON WORTHY THINGS I LOVE ABOUT GUYS!

1.   Body Hair.  Now I’m not talking Chewbacca crawling out of your shirt attacking your face body hair. Just normal guy hair.  There is something really calming to me about the feel of arm hair, leg hair, chest hair, and so on. It’s manly and wonderful. Also, guys in general have great hair on their heads. It’s always full (for some), soft, unprocessed, and clean. (Unless they are bald or product whores I love touching a guys head of hair)

2.  Smell.  I heart a manly smell. That sweaty, musky, manly smell is something that should never be covered up. Well to a point, at some point you better be showering.  And then don’t even get me started on how great a showered guy smells.

3.  The 5 o’clock shadow. Hot damn, and oh so sexy. I even love the feel of it. Pure sex appeal dripping from tiny hair follicles, swoon indeed!

4.  Humor, hilarity, and absurdity.  Guys are funny. They just are! (when they aren’t funny it really makes my skin crawl, there needs to be an island for really unfunny men to just go and live) Guys are really good at finding the humor in a situation, and are the best for just wanting to joke around with.  They are able to poke fun at almost anything and especially themselves, and that to me is swoon worthy.

5.  Height.  I’m sorry for all those guys out there that aren’t tall. I’m sure it works for you and you’re sexy in other ways. BUT there is something extremely sexy about a guy who is taller then you.  The way you feel held while being hugged is pure awesome. Also it comes in handy for reaching things, holding umbrellas, and changing light bulbs.

6.  Balls! (both literally and figuratively) Guys push themselves and follow through. Yes there are some cowards out there but as a sex men are taught to well for lack of a better term “man up”. It’s about survival, and all things primal are HOT.  And since we are on the topic: Actual in my hand hanging down balls! Yes, physical balls!  It’s sexy to me that one of the most fragile parts of the man is just hanging out there. They carry the future of the human race in there and it’s so vulnerably put out on display, and I’m sorry but that is awesome.

7.  Problem solving.  Now I’m not talking being a “mr. fix-it” here, I’m talking life problems.  Guys always have a different take on things, a different way of looking a problem and then helping you either reach a solution. This isn’t always the best trait in men, but when I have a problem and I talk about it with a guy I come out with a different outlook in general, and always feeling very confident in what to do next.

8.  Muscles. Guys carry muscle tone so much better then girls. From arms, and backs, to shoulders and legs. Oh, and you better not get me started on those diagonal dents that run from the hipbone to the groin, jeeze louise those are hot.

9.  A Smile.  When a guy smiles at me it warms my heart.   It’s almost like they are opening up in a completely different way. Even a good smirk makes me giddy like a schoolgirl. Please note this does not apply to guys with nasty ass teeth, I really have a teeth issue, you have bad teeth you are just unsexy period. Seriously. I mean it.

10.  Penis!  Now I’m going to just put this out there: some are much more swoon worthy then others (MUCH MORE) but I’ll give all you guys the benefit of the doubt.  A nice penis is like boobs: you can never go wrong!

11.  Knowledge.  Guys know things that I don’t. Everyone is smart in his or her own way; about their own topics (even the real dumb kids) I love how I learn things from guys I never would have thought of. New things, ideas, and topics excite me. Excite me right out of my pants!

Anyways, like I talked about yesterday I get a lot of emails from readers. And I’ve had alot of my favorite boys out there say I need to write about what girls do that drive boys crazy.

Now, we all know my saying: “all guys are douche-bags, and all girls are crazy bitches”. But the thing is I’m not a guy so I can’t discuss what it is about girls that drive me crazy. I do have many female friends and I see and hear of them doing things that I would never find expectable in a relationship. But they are actually IN relationships, so some guys must obviously love the crazy-drama-girl-crap.

So, it got me thinking, what is something I know girls do that drives guys crazy. I thought and I thought…..and then!

SIDEBAR: This is where I get brilliant and insightful, watch-out!

Guys hate it when they encounter the hook in the front bra. (Well when they haven’t been informed) I gather that it is one of the most frustrating things ever. In fact, even more so then when they can’t get the back closer open. (At least they can find it, even if they need alittle help). Now granted the reveal from front opening bras are so much more spectacular! Serious, guys you know you love it! But not being told (or surprised) must be so infuriating.

So yeah if I were a guy I would have really hated my first encounter with a front closing bra. But I’m sure I’d love it when the girls on top and does that quick ‘finger flick’ and the bra just opens revealing all the glory. (You know just saying based on experience)

FACT: using the word ‘glory’ to describe boobs is subject to change. Some of us are just more ‘glorious’ than others.

But I’ll be honest I almost never clean them. Now they aren’t terrible. I can see, and that’s what matters right? (well when they are nice and clean sure I see a little bit better but whatever) I guess I shouldn’t say never, but the thought to do so doesn’t always cross my mind.

Anyways, this got me thinking of  one those acts that guys do that I always found to be “chivalrous”  that guys do….and then I re thought it further.

I used to find it cute, wonderful, and all those words when guys would say “here” take my glasses and clean them.  I used to think they did this to be nice, and prove that every once and a while chivalry isn’t dead.

But then, I thought about this further, and a friend saying “I never see you clean your glasses” also brought it on.  Guys haven’t been cleaning my glasses because they were concerned about my sight, they were bothered by what they were seeing.  They clean them because then they don’t have to notice all the little imperfections and that bothers them. Bothers them more then it bothers me….and that bothers me.  Cause if I have to look at all the imperfections on your face, you can at least look at the imperfection on my lenses.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.  I mean candy, costumes, drinking, and did I mention candy. What’s not to love!  It’s also the only holiday, which isn’t ‘family’ centered, maybe that is why we all love it!

Halloween is like over 200 years old and in my opinion maybe the most over commercialized and marketed holidays.  But more then that Halloween is over sexual.  It could be called “National Slut Day”. 

As Halloween draws upon us, all I see left right in center is slut attire. I was at the drug store buying tissues and cough drops and right next to the checkout were fishnets! (seriously?!)

Halloween is synonymies with cleavage, legs, and frankly sex. And females are mainly to blame (lame!).  Women dress in provocative garments to in most cases draw sexual attention and advances from men. Now I’m not saying anything is wrong with that but I think it’s gone a little far.  (this is where all my male readers which is about 90% of you chime in and say “hell no it hasn’t gone to far!”)

Halloween offers the opportunity to dress as anything at all and in true spirit dress as you something you really want to be.  Now I don’t know about you but I sure wasn’t telling everyone growing up in my sexy-school girl uniform that I wanted to be a prostitute.

I have never really dressed ‘sluty’ on Halloween so I can’t really judge can I.  In fact the costume I plan on wearing tomorrow is maybe my most sexy to date. And it’s not even that risky. In fact I traveled to many of the pop-up costume stores this city is filled with at this time in search of ‘additions’ to my costume. 

SIDEBR:  While at the costume store I over heard one girl tell her friend she should go as a prostitute because guys stick money in your boobs all night so it’s a win win!  (my eyes rolled, and I am rolling them again)

My costume this year needed alittle extra, and by little extra I mean 2-3 inches.  See in the spirit of National Slut day ever costume sold for women pretty much sits on your ass.  I mean maybe if you are a size 0 with no ass these lengths are appropriate but I grew up with my mother, who as soon as something went over the knee she raised a silently judging eyebrow.

StoreWorker:  Need help?

Me:  No I’m just looking for something, thank you.

StroreWorker:  Something in mind?

Me: Well, yeah actually I need something this colour or to match this.  (pulling out costume from my bag)

StoreWorker:  Are you looking for the same one? What’s wrong wit this one?

Me: It’s too short I need to add material to the bottom. Add more skirt.

StoreWorker: WHY?! 

Me: (laughing) It’s too short.

StoreWorker:  That’s how you get us guys to notice you. It’s sexy. You ain’t picking up if you ain’t showing leg.

Me: Honey, I was covered from head to toe and then some last year and I still had sex in the bar bathroom with a hot sailor. 

StoreWorker: (silent) Damn Girl!

It’s not about what you wear, it’s about how you wear it.  It’s about being confident in your own body, and I guess if most of us need that little “it’s ok it’s a holiday” excuse then I’m all for it.  Just make sure you have the confidence before you go throwing a mask over it. So embrace your sexy self and put on a costume or don’t it doesn’t matter. Just be comfortable in you, and the rest will fall into place.

MamaPlums advise for Halloween this year: “Play safe with others, and don’t accept candy or other ‘goodies’ from homeless men on the street. Oh and wear a hat you’re going to have cold weather”

PapaPlum left me a voice mail the other night with the following costume recommendation:  “You should go as someone who HAS received their flu shot. Hint hint.” (insert his laughter)

FACT: Sexy Sailor and I ‘dated’ for about 5 weeks after Halloween.  I didn’t even remember putting my number in his phone.  But I did…..that’s another story for a much later time.

One of the best things about online dating is the ability to just brows though profile after profile as you secretly sit and judge people. Whether it is on their pictures, there likes, or their spelling.

Well now you can ‘judge’ out in the open. The  Who Has The Best Online Dating Profile Contest is a fun, feel good, and free contest.

SIDEBAR: Aren’t a member of OkCupid. It’s free so join, and check it out!  Maybe come find me….or don’t.

Both members and non-members have the opportunity to vote either on OKcupid, Right here, or on one of the numerous blogs helping to promote the contest. (like me–> to the right you can vote)

The Who Has the Best Online Dating Profile Contest runs through November 30, 2009. Winners will be announced on December 2, 2009. All contest participants will be automatically enrolled in a sweepstakes for $250 cash.

So come join the fun. Vote for your favorite, vote for your friends, vote for me, and vote for yourself (we all do that it’s perfectly acceptable)

Some of the great blogs (well besides mine!) helping to promote the contest (check them out):

Sex, Lies and Dating in the City, Little Miss Sarcasm, Suddenly Singles, Midtown Girl, Single Gal in the City, Rantings of a Single Girl, 20-forty.com, KB in NYC, Single City Guy, Your Dating Tales, You Make My Date, Not Your Mother’s Playground, Dating and Mating in America, Love in the Dumps, Swimming with Sharks, It Was Over When, Notes from the Dating Trenches

FACT: This contest is a co-promotion by SurveyGizmo.com and 2ChicksINC and is sponsored by OkCupid.

Not because I think it will take me places (although some may argue that it is a great resume plus) or because I like to learn new things, or even because…..

I simple want to learn it for boys, actually to be exact for men. I want to learn Spanish for men!

Yup, you heard it right!

Now wait a minute, maybe I should be clear here for a minute. I don’t have a crush on a Spanish speaking man, although I do know a lot of very cute Spanish speaking boys!  Rather I feel left out of the conversation by men. Specifically, men on the street. To be even more specicfic men I walk by on the street.  Now, I can guees what they might be saying and I know where their intensions tend to lie, but I still don’t know what they are saying.

See the lovely young black gentalman I passed on my way to the subway tonight said the following:  ”where you headed to (something that sounded more like sounds rather then words) you sexy thang, come back here now”

That I understand (minus the grunting in the middle) but when I passed the sort little I’ll say nice looking (to be nice) man on the subway platform he said the following:

“Ca-soming-soming-Me-something with a do-daddy over the vowel”

? Right ?

Yeah, no clue!

Now it had the same tone as the guy I had passed a mere 5 minutes before, so my brain assumes it’s the same context, but then how do I know!  I’m the little Canadian girl who basically after years of vacations in Mexico I know how to say “yes, no” and the ever important “how much?”  (But drop me in France, and I’ll get behind those dirty men’s words)

So, I am setting out to learn Spanish! Or at least Google a good sight with Spanish pickup lines and then Google a translator site.  Any suggestions?

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

The biggest issue with this is the letter “i”. I type fast and don’t hold down the i long enough to always make an ‘I’ and get stuck with a lot of “i” s.

Fact: I’m not apposed to selling out for sponsorship money! I’ll sell out in a heartbeat…in case you are buying!