The Lost Plum…

(Working the door of an event)

Douchebag on other side of rope: Sweet checks you going to let us in or what!?

Plum: Sorry it’s a private event, I don’t have any say.

Douchbag on other side of rope: I’ll let you sit on my cock!

Plum: No that’s ok.

Douchebag on otherside of rope: It’s totally worth it. (He proceeds  to take his “Dirk Diggler” out of his pants in and flop it on the velvet rope) You’re going to love it!

Plum: Not as much as Ed (points to bouncer) is going to love throwing you off the sidewalk!

Guy: Will you follow me to the bathroom.
Me: Umm…why?
Guy: Listen. Honestly, you don’t have to even touch it. Just look at it. I just want someone to look at it.

Boy at Bar:  Are those fries good?

Me: Umm…they’re ok.

Boy at Bar: (grabs a french fries from our plate on bar) They aren’t bad, but I’d rather be tasting you.

Minnesota Vikings jersey drinking Mikes Hard Lemonade (cranberry) Guy: “Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?”

Sitting on the sidewalk “homeless” Boy:  (raises a long stick/pole/cane infront of me as I’m walking…I stop) Want to buy me a slider?

Me: Excuse me?

Sitting on the sidewalk “homeless” Boy:  Want to buy me a slider?

Me: Do YOU want to buy me a slider?

Sitting on the sidewalk “homeless” Boy:  Seriously?

Me: Yeah, seriously don’t stop me with a stick and expect me to pay!

Sitting on the sidewalk “homeless” Boy:  (getting up) Or we could go grab a drink and then grab dinner or something.

Me: And we can invite everyone else who contributed to your slider fund. (pointing to his cup with change as I walk away)