The Lost Plum…

I live in a city where it’s said to be hard to meet potential mates. A city where single men far out way the single women ratio. (And they know it)

So, I like countless other singles turn to our one true friend to help out. We turn to the one who is always there for us, who seems to always solves our problems: the Internet!

We jump on the information superhighway, and start cruising for cute hitchhikers!

Now, I’ve checked out a lot of online sites, have countless accounts (not always active), and have had my share of pleasant experiences. But let’s be honest for a minute, we’re talking about me here, so I’ve had MORE then my fair share of Bad experiences!

SIDEBAR: I got stood up by my first 6 Internet dates. SIX! Number 7 was the first to ever show, and despite a lot of things that gained him major points!

Sites that fit a niche fascinate me. Ones designed for a specific type of person, interested in specific things. In fact I search them out, and read content, it’s actually very fascinating.

GOAL: to find the site with guys who like hockey watching, beer drinking, funny girls in glasses…(It’s only a matter of time)

So I explore the Internet more because it fascinates me. What people write in order to get a match get my brain moving, gyrating, and hopefully laughing.

On that note, is it wrong for me to laugh at and enjoy one of my new favorite online relationship and dating sites? Love in the Dumps.

Love in the Dumps is for those of us that don’t only have the (mis)fortune of being single and have no one to really blame but ourselves, and we’re cool with that! It is a wonderful site filled with fun off beat advice, cool musing of singledom (or singledoom), and quirky quips of being single or ‘in the dumps’. It’s a place where I just might meet mr.wrong, who when mixed with all my wrong, we just might create a Right!

eHarmony has ads on television that claims to not be a dating site, but a relationship site that will match people on the deepest foundations of compatibility. Really, LITD is no different. Not only can you read all their neat-o stuff but you can sign up in their personals section, oh pardon me, their impersonals section.  There you can compare each others ‘deepest’ compatibilities. Like your shared love of Ambian and/or Adderol, or your relationship exit strategy history/weapon of choice.

Cause at the end of the day making your relationship shortcomings public is just another nail in the already full of nails proverbial coffin that most of us live in.

So grab your hammers and start whacking….just don’t forget to laugh as you do it!

(at yourself, and maybe at others)

FACT: eHarmony didn’t except me, they didn’t exactly turn me down, just said that my chances of finding a mate in the NYC area were pretty much slim to slit your wrists now…

(reason #___why I’m single: not even a single person on LITD has contacted me/liked my profile)

I talked the other day about notes I make/leave on my cell phone. I forced myself to do a good clean up on my phone. In doing so I found notes or “snippets” I had from boot camp, most of which I have yet to address.

So, let me indulge you on another piece of knowledge I’ve learned via Dating Boot Camp. The topic was things NOT to do in bed. I’ve already talked about a few of these before but I forgot about this morsels:

Laughing. Do not laugh in bed.

Now, at first one may think that this means no laughing at the guy’s package, or hairy chest, or what have you. However, this is actually for all laughter. Never laugh in bed. Period. Apparently, guys are very self-conscious (and the ladies are too) and any sign of laughing automatically makes them think you are laughing AT them.

Back the clown car up a minute!

I get that we are all self-conscious, about our bodies and then some. But no laughing! There are two worlds I don’t want to live in: The one with out sex, and the one without laughter.

I don’t think I’m alone in this, but laughing in bed is a turn on. Sex is fun, awkward, ridiculous, and is simply a great time to giggle, laugh and make fun of the situation. The say laughter is the best medicine, and they are right! Laughter is contagious and in a sense lets us let lose.

We’ve all had those shirts caught on our heads, hands tangled in hair, bras not coming undone, that’s right I’m not wearing underwear, zips not working, belt buckle mishaps, and I’m tick-a-lish moments!

As awkward as some of these moments maybe we can all admit they are funny, and there is nothing wrong with laughing. Laughter tells someone are enjoying the moment, and having a good time.

We aren’t five years old anymore, no one laughs and points fingers at someone else flaws.

So jump in bed (or someplace else) roll around and laugh! It’s ok to do it, I promise!

SIDEBAR: Laughter increases your life span (this is a proven study) so why wouldn’t you want to increase your sex life. Just saying!

(reason #___why I’m single: I’ve listed cleanup/sort blackberry notes to my calendar every month)

I’m a nice roasted plum right now, after last weekend of baking in the sun. A girl’s weekend with 9 girls getting on planes (not all together) equals alot of magazines. I was actually very impressed that no ones magazines over lapped, quite a feat I must say.

As I crisped up in the sun (even with my old lady hat and 75spf) I stumbled along an article on taboo bed/sex practices. And one “taboo” activity that 53% of women partake in is: owning a sex toy.

I didn’t know sex toys were so taboo they have them everywhere! I’m surprised Whole Foods hasn’t come out with a line yet.  But then again, I can’t really talk because this plum falls into the other half, that other 47%. I do not own a sex toy of any kind. Nope, don’t, not for me, I never have. To me the best part of sex is someone else. Period.

But I’m in a minority, and I am always been told I don’t know what I’m missing.  My usually response is “have you meet (insert a name)? Cause you’re the one missing out!”  Te he he…it’s funny, but not because there usually isn’t an (insert a name) * sigh *

Now the magazine also had a little test with picture. “Is it a sex toy or isn’t it one”

The test was pretty easy, and we all had a little laugh over some of the contraptions. But then we all cringed and wrinkled our noses when we saw the next item.

A battery powered loofah! Not a sponge or a nice soft puff or anything like that.

A loofah!

A loofah!? Are you kidding me? They have to be kidding me! Loofah’s aren’t soft in any way shape or form, in fact they are meant to scrub off dead skin (and in some case scrap off not quite dead skin). Why do you need to make that prickly little guy vibrate?

I am from now on officially making the reason I do not own a sex toy that I refuse to be in the same group of people that masturbate with loofahs!

SIDEBAR: while at the spa during our ritual bath this weekend I couldn’t help but ask what everyone was doing with their loofah’s.

FACT: I contributed GQ and Rollingstone…talk amounts yourselves on that one!

I read a lot of online articles, especially in the dating/love/advise type spectrum. I find funny articles, those I shake my head at, some I shake a fist at, some I do a little cheer in my chair for, and a bunch of other that are just plain ridicules (much like my writing), and the odd few that make me laugh out loud.

Now, people post lists because they come off as funny, and everyone loves a fun list! I do them all the time! I’m a lot funnier when writing in bullet points! (let’s be honest here)

Most of the lists out there fall under the ‘advise’ whelm. (how to give a good bj, what to wear on a date, how to pick up a cougar…you name it they have a list) Now, I will sometimes link to other articles and give my humble opinion or my rant on the subject, and that’s cool. Everyone does it and everyone is game for it. I have yet to have a moment where I flat out disagree so much with another writing/blog that I in turn have to rant about it, until now.  I spent the last little while deciding if I wanted to write this, and well it has bugged me too much to not.

Now, I’m not going to link where said ‘article’ was posted. (but it’s an online relationship type online mag, and it’s by a writer/blogger I’ve enjoyed articles from before, but since I have never linked to her I will not do so in this case)

I assume she was trying to be funny, and hell I make light of situations, which should not be made light of all the time, but this post rubbed me wrong, and in the end I did not find it funny. We all know I find pretty much anything funny, but this was not even funny in a stupid ridicules list kind of way. (and again I find funny in pretty much anything)

SIDEBAR: I’m being a bitch right now. Guys take note ALL girls have a bitch side!

The article was on “ways to say no to sex” (if you don’t want to have it). Now, the article should have stuck to its introduction, which was a list of things you probably should NOT say…some were funny, and some tried way to hard, but all in all it got me to the second page. And then the list of things you should say to ‘get out of having sex’….

After about 10 or 15 or whatever points, (it was way to many that’s all I’m going to say) it says you can always try the old ‘honesty’ approach and just say “no”.

Well I think the author is looking at this all-wrong. It’s not about being honest. It’s about us being respectful of ourselves and respectful of other!

If you don’t want to have sex, don’t. No excuse needed.

It is called: NO!

If you don’t want to hold someone’s hand, if you don’t want to try anal, if you aren’t up for giving that blowjob, or even receiving that blowjob (that would be a first) then don’t.

Say goodnight, goodbye, fuck off, or nothing and walk out of the room speechless; say no.

If you aren’t up for sex, you are NOT up for sex. The fact that we live in a place where people make lists of how to “get out of it” makes me sad for all of us. Have some respect for yourself, and respect for others!  Once we can all start to not only respect people for who they are, but who they are sexual (always or just at one given moment) we can all live a little better.

Sing It With Me: R-E-S-P-E-C-T !!

FACT: Just cause a girl doesn’t want to have sex with you at this moment doesn’t mean she isn’t going to BLOW YOUR MIND tomorrow!

Again, I’m going talk about rules.  And once again everyone has been writing about rules when it comes to dating/sex/love/relationships and the whole nine yards lately. From what to do or not to do on a first date, to what online dating serves to use, how to get your man to propose, the list is endless. (insert gag reflex)

I read three articles this week (and many more before) all which listed the same rule when it comes to “fuck buddies” or as I like to say the “BB” (Bed Buddy)

Never spend the night!

Now I get the reason they say this, actually that’s a lie. I don’t get why they say this! Except for the fact that most of these articles are written by females. Translation crazy girls who actually had feelings and developed stronger feelings for their BB’s!  Truth be told I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again now…..CHICKS ARE CRAZY, BOYS BEWARE!

Here is the thing if you can’t tell the difference between your BB (fuck friend) and a relationship then you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex!

Only reasons you should not spend the night is:

You got places to be before 8am. (but I still don’t buy this one)

You are actually cheating on someone (and then you have other issues)

It’s a twin size bed (although we all should have learned this art back when living the dorm life)

A fuck buddy is two things:

A fuck   (And)   A buddy

A buddy like all buddies is there for you when you need them in more ways then one.  I should hope you are able to talk with and get along with your buddy. If you don’t you are missing out! I’m telling you!

Fuck buddies are like the best nonpartisan person to talk with, joke with, and fool around with (*ahem*). They are the perfect relationship because they lack all complication!  (but that’s not to say complication can’t develop)

I’ve gotten great friend advice, great personal advice, great financial advise, and even some great diet advise from boys I have slept with where there was no confusion of ‘feelings’.

I’ve always had lots of guy friends, always felt more comfortable being with and one of the guy’s….so a Buddy is like that with an added benefit of the bed.

One of my Bestest Bros (a different type of BB) Tom over at yourtango wrote a great article the other week about one of my favorite things: Morning Sex!

And to anyone out there who decides that spending the night with your BB is against the “Rules”.  Again, I point to Tom’s article.

Morning sex is by far the best reason to spend the night with your fuck buddy. Period!

And if your buddy ain’t into the morning sex, get yourself a new buddy, Stat!