The Lost Plum…

I was on the train the other day coming from brunch and sitting across from me were two guys with shopping bags. They had obviously taken full advantage of the post holiday sales.

FACT: I have not done ANY post holiday shopping. I hate shopping with the masses.

One had a big pink bag in which he started to pull things out of and they started their conversation.

Now this wasn’t any pink bag, this was a Victoria Secret bag. I’m not thinking anything of it. Maybe the teddy he’s holding up is for his lady, or mom, or man, or even himself, no judgment. Then he pulls out a bottle of lotion. And they smell it, then another, and another. I’m intrigued. I shut off my iPod and listen to them talking.

“I’m just not attracted to her body, but other then that she’s perfect”

“Well I’d give her the brown one, it smells sexy.”

” Yeah in the dark it’ll smell sexy”

HOLD THE PHONE!

Let me break it down for you because after that little exchange I was to busy trying to keep my jar off my lap that I don’t remember the exact dialogue.

This guy, ‘Victory Secret bag guy’ had purchased a whole bag of stuff in hopes that his girlfriend would become more “sexy” more “physically attractive”.

Ok, I can admit that some times you fall for people that physically you never thought you would. At least I like to still hope guys do (otherwise how else am I going to land one)

And sometimes people try to change their partner’s looks. This mostly happens to guys. Their ladies make them get haircuts, buy them clothes, and what have you. (oh you poor boys)

But body lotion? If she’s physically not attractive that’s one thing, but smelly? That is a deal breaker I’m sorry. I’m not talking I haven’t showered went to the gym smelly, I’ll give everyone that. But needing to smell better in the “bedroom” that’s just Bunk!

Poor guy with the smelly girlfriend I feel bad for your friend who had to help you smell lotions on the train. He was cute but I’d never date a guy who’s friend will lather his lady in lotion just so he can have sex with her scent cause he’s not attracted to the body.

I meet a nice guy at a new years party last year (well technically it was this year but whatever…). We exchanged numbers and he called me, in fact we had about 5 really wonderful phone conversations before we went on a date, and we dated for about 2-months or so after that. Actually we dated till he became a complete douchebag but that’s another story.

This guy I trekked to see! I would make two subway transfers (sometimes three times depending) and would find myself at the end of the 1-train in the Bronx’s. (Anyone who knows me was always so perplexed by this, “YOU dating a guy way up in the Bronx’s!”)

One night we were out at dinner and he brought up a small fact or rather a request he and his roommates had.

You see he and his roommates had noticed that since I had been coming around and spending time at their place one thing was different. One thing just wasn’t the same as it used to be. You see something was missing. Their toilet paper in the bathroom was vanishing quicker then it used to.

FACT: You heard me right! Their toilet paper, or their bum wipe, as my dad so adequately puts it.

They had theorized (which was reached no doubt while eating pringles and getting high) that because girls use more toilet paper ( “you know every time you pee”) that I was costing them money. Precious toilet paper money! They were spending more money on toilet paper (which I should add was the cheapest stuff ever and in fact I believe sometimes was stolen from their offices)

He asked if I would consider contributing towards their ‘household item fund’, or buying a few rolls to contribute. To which I promptly said I would bring my own and laughed in his face.

Now, I should have just told him he and his friends were dicks, but I liked his friends (and sorta liked him) and I knew two of his roommates struggled with money. You’d never guess that based on their smoking habits, but I figured I’d carry tissues in my bag and make a point.

About 2 weeks later we were watching a movie in their living room and one of his roommates came in. He made a comment about how I never cooked dinner for them anymore, or brought baking, or swag from work and how they all missed it.

SIDEBAR: we’d cook at his place alot and I’d always make extra for the roommates. I love to bake but hate to eat it, so his roommates enjoyed pie and cookies a lot. I also got lots of guy centric swag from my old job and would dump it on them.

I replied in a calm manner, not missing a beat and not taking my eyes off the TV.

“Well my household item fund expenses increased unexpectedly this month. But you are welcome to contribute to my feeding and providing for the boys I don’t have sex with fund”

Needless to say neither of them found it funny. And about 2 weeks later the inner douchebag of this guy started to show culminating in him standing me up at a concert I had to use connections to get tickets too, and then telling me he didn’t make it cause he was having sex with his fuck buddy and lost track of time.

FACT:  My mothers face when my dad says “bum wipe” is a sight to be seen, she has also been known to throw things at him when he says this. These things have been known to be expensive breakables.

It’s been a great day today, it really has, and the day isn’t close to being done.

I just had to write about it.

1. I woke up smiling, and the sun was shinning in.  I live in NYC we all don’t have the pleasure of having sunny bedroom windows.  If I wake up to the sun it might be a miracle, but I love waking up to the sun so much! And on top of that I was just really happy when I woke up, but that may have been because I slept in, but that’s ok too.

2.  I woke up with really great hair, and even good bangs, this never happens.

3.  I found a parking spot right across the street. I literally moved the car from one side to the other.  SCORE!

4.  Hot Chocolate was my wakeup meal.  If you haven’t already noticed I’m a fan of the term “wakeup meal”. A wakeup meal is whatever you eat first upon waking up.  Because sometimes you wake up or eat way past breakfast time.  Hot chocolate in the morning is the way to my heart.

5.  I’m really positive about work right now. I may be behind on the billions of things I have to do, but I’m very positive about what is going on.

6.  Brace yourself for this one….I went to the gym! And Ieft with even better hair then I walked in with.

SIDEBAR: WOW…My hair looks great today!

I get more compliments on my glasses then anything, and they always create an easy opening line for conversation.  In fact, my glasses (all of them) are pretty close. They are the only thing I really need to function in the morning (I’m not a coffee person), and the one thing I always hide behind. I have been wearing plastic frame glasses since before they were cool, we’re talking back when they were so uncool it wasn’t even funny.

But I’ll be honest I almost never clean them. Now they aren’t terrible. I can see, and that’s what matters right? (well when they are nice and clean sure I see a little bit better but whatever) I guess I shouldn’t say never, but the thought to do so doesn’t always cross my mind.

Anyways, this got me thinking of  one those acts that guys do that I always found to be “chivalrous”  that guys do….and then I re thought it further.

I used to find it cute, wonderful, and all those words when guys would say “here” take my glasses and clean them.  I used to think they did this to be nice, and prove that every once and a while chivalry isn’t dead.

But then, I thought about this further, and a friend saying “I never see you clean your glasses” also brought it on.  Guys haven’t been cleaning my glasses because they were concerned about my sight, they were bothered by what they were seeing.  They clean them because then they don’t have to notice all the little imperfections and that bothers them. Bothers them more then it bothers me….and that bothers me.  Cause if I have to look at all the imperfections on your face, you can at least look at the imperfection on my lenses.

So a trending topic right now (and lets face it always) is healthcare and all that covers.  I am not here to talk about the issues, tell you my slant on things, or even give an opinion.  I will say at the end of the day I don’t know all that is on the table, in fact people might say I’m actually ‘ignorant’ to the topic, I tend to be so with most political topics.  I think differently then most kids who grew up in a “political” home. I hit a point where I just “stopped listening,” and grew tired of debating long ago. (I get the jest, know how I feel, and move forward)

Now, as we all know I’m not American, and although I do buy health insurance in this country I still have most of my medications sent to me and filled in my homeland. Call it cheaper, call it a travesty in the health care systems, call it whatever you want to. I call it convenient. I don’t have to deal with it. Mama Plum deals with it and sends me wonderful care packages.

I received a wonderful depressing care package from Mama Plum the other day.  I say depressing because it was medication and that’s about it. Oh I think there was a pack of gum thrown in there, but other then that not a typical “care package”

Inside the package was another envelope. My first thought was CASH! YES! But then I notice the note on the outside of the envelope.

“ I just found out that [   ] makes you more fertile. WATCH OUT! BE CAREFUL!  That is the last thing you need to deal with.”

And what was inside the envelopes? Why condoms of course! What else would it have been!?

I think I’ve reached a turning point of sex ‘talks’ with my mother.  I knew it was all going to be down hill from here.