The Lost Plum…

I was on the train the other day coming from brunch and sitting across from me were two guys with shopping bags. They had obviously taken full advantage of the post holiday sales.

FACT: I have not done ANY post holiday shopping. I hate shopping with the masses.

One had a big pink bag in which he started to pull things out of and they started their conversation.

Now this wasn’t any pink bag, this was a Victoria Secret bag. I’m not thinking anything of it. Maybe the teddy he’s holding up is for his lady, or mom, or man, or even himself, no judgment. Then he pulls out a bottle of lotion. And they smell it, then another, and another. I’m intrigued. I shut off my iPod and listen to them talking.

“I’m just not attracted to her body, but other then that she’s perfect”

“Well I’d give her the brown one, it smells sexy.”

” Yeah in the dark it’ll smell sexy”

HOLD THE PHONE!

Let me break it down for you because after that little exchange I was to busy trying to keep my jar off my lap that I don’t remember the exact dialogue.

This guy, ‘Victory Secret bag guy’ had purchased a whole bag of stuff in hopes that his girlfriend would become more “sexy” more “physically attractive”.

Ok, I can admit that some times you fall for people that physically you never thought you would. At least I like to still hope guys do (otherwise how else am I going to land one)

And sometimes people try to change their partner’s looks. This mostly happens to guys. Their ladies make them get haircuts, buy them clothes, and what have you. (oh you poor boys)

But body lotion? If she’s physically not attractive that’s one thing, but smelly? That is a deal breaker I’m sorry. I’m not talking I haven’t showered went to the gym smelly, I’ll give everyone that. But needing to smell better in the “bedroom” that’s just Bunk!

Poor guy with the smelly girlfriend I feel bad for your friend who had to help you smell lotions on the train. He was cute but I’d never date a guy who’s friend will lather his lady in lotion just so he can have sex with her scent cause he’s not attracted to the body.

I write about people here. In fact I write about people I might not know deep down (aka boys I meet) and most of these people aren’t people you know either. So who really cares right? Right!

I got a letter yesterday. A letter that has made me rethink a few things.

I used to have a blog with a friend about our job (we did the same thing but for different people) and it was completely anonymous. Problem being it started to get some attention, and we had to shut it down. Legally we may or may not have been telling stories we shouldn’t have…. even if we changed names and such.

So I get this letter from a law office representing a client and publisher.  I need to waive over my likeness for a book. Wait what?! Are you serious?

It made me think about this blog. (well it made me think of alot of things, but the blog is one) Is one day down the line one of my PULL buddies going to sue me because I shared his “genius” pickup line with the world to steal? Is that guy, or the person I thought was a friend going to one day get angry and mean. Or what is someone steals my likeness (another legal issue) I mean I am pretty hilarious; maybe someone wants to steal what I have written? (With the spelling and grammar cleaned up of course!)

I also have been thinking about people who touch my life, how everyone has shaped me in a different way. Some have made me scared, others have given me the ability to trust, some have taught me skills, and some have made me grow older. So in the huge melting pot of people who have ‘touched’ me there are those that really stand out. One of these being “mystalker”.

FACT: A full fledge real stalker! We are talking restraining order, used to break in and watch me sleep, tried to kill himself, documented my day to day with telephoto lenses, tried to kill an ex boyfriend capital S stalker!  I use the term stalker seriously and don’t throw it around like almost every girl out there.

And now he has written a book! A book that I am featured in and the character draws so much to my “likeness” that I need to sign over a waver.

We all know he’s crazy, so I’ll say this: His publisher is fucking crazy if he thinks I am signing this shit, and even crazier if he thinks this isn’t going to be a legal issue!

SIDEBAR: This is the last thing I need right now! Merry Christmas to me.

My pal Simone wrote a great post a while back on what she finds sexy in a man.  And its had me thinking…….

11 TOTALLY SWOON WORTHY THINGS I LOVE ABOUT GUYS!

1.   Body Hair.  Now I’m not talking Chewbacca crawling out of your shirt attacking your face body hair. Just normal guy hair.  There is something really calming to me about the feel of arm hair, leg hair, chest hair, and so on. It’s manly and wonderful. Also, guys in general have great hair on their heads. It’s always full (for some), soft, unprocessed, and clean. (Unless they are bald or product whores I love touching a guys head of hair)

2.  Smell.  I heart a manly smell. That sweaty, musky, manly smell is something that should never be covered up. Well to a point, at some point you better be showering.  And then don’t even get me started on how great a showered guy smells.

3.  The 5 o’clock shadow. Hot damn, and oh so sexy. I even love the feel of it. Pure sex appeal dripping from tiny hair follicles, swoon indeed!

4.  Humor, hilarity, and absurdity.  Guys are funny. They just are! (when they aren’t funny it really makes my skin crawl, there needs to be an island for really unfunny men to just go and live) Guys are really good at finding the humor in a situation, and are the best for just wanting to joke around with.  They are able to poke fun at almost anything and especially themselves, and that to me is swoon worthy.

5.  Height.  I’m sorry for all those guys out there that aren’t tall. I’m sure it works for you and you’re sexy in other ways. BUT there is something extremely sexy about a guy who is taller then you.  The way you feel held while being hugged is pure awesome. Also it comes in handy for reaching things, holding umbrellas, and changing light bulbs.

6.  Balls! (both literally and figuratively) Guys push themselves and follow through. Yes there are some cowards out there but as a sex men are taught to well for lack of a better term “man up”. It’s about survival, and all things primal are HOT.  And since we are on the topic: Actual in my hand hanging down balls! Yes, physical balls!  It’s sexy to me that one of the most fragile parts of the man is just hanging out there. They carry the future of the human race in there and it’s so vulnerably put out on display, and I’m sorry but that is awesome.

7.  Problem solving.  Now I’m not talking being a “mr. fix-it” here, I’m talking life problems.  Guys always have a different take on things, a different way of looking a problem and then helping you either reach a solution. This isn’t always the best trait in men, but when I have a problem and I talk about it with a guy I come out with a different outlook in general, and always feeling very confident in what to do next.

8.  Muscles. Guys carry muscle tone so much better then girls. From arms, and backs, to shoulders and legs. Oh, and you better not get me started on those diagonal dents that run from the hipbone to the groin, jeeze louise those are hot.

9.  A Smile.  When a guy smiles at me it warms my heart.   It’s almost like they are opening up in a completely different way. Even a good smirk makes me giddy like a schoolgirl. Please note this does not apply to guys with nasty ass teeth, I really have a teeth issue, you have bad teeth you are just unsexy period. Seriously. I mean it.

10.  Penis!  Now I’m going to just put this out there: some are much more swoon worthy then others (MUCH MORE) but I’ll give all you guys the benefit of the doubt.  A nice penis is like boobs: you can never go wrong!

11.  Knowledge.  Guys know things that I don’t. Everyone is smart in his or her own way; about their own topics (even the real dumb kids) I love how I learn things from guys I never would have thought of. New things, ideas, and topics excite me. Excite me right out of my pants!

On Saturday I talked about the ‘bad’ date I had with the boy who asked too many inappropriate questions. And now I have realized he just might be inappropriate all together, or at least have boundary issues.

Whenever the conversation moves towards cell phones which frankly somehow always happens.  I’m not one to really bring it up but for some reason I find guys bring them up all the time. They are checking out the type of phone you have. Which is cool cause honestly I don’t think I can date a guy with a completely out of date cell phone.

SIDEBAR: I’m a blackberry girl.  Have been for a very very long time (and I mean very very long time)

So “Question boy” and I were talking about phones, he has an iphone and I have my blackberry we talked about the pros and cons of each, he talked about apps….blah blah blah.

FACT: I do not find this conversation amusing or appropriate for a ‘date’ but it’s not one of the things I hold against him.

When talking about my phone I bring up one small fact.  Which I think is important in knowing about me. It may lead you to believe I am crazy, but in fact it may lead you more o believe how I work.

FACT: I sleep with my phone…or at least am getting better at not.

Yup, I sleep with my phone! I cradle it in my hand softly to my side, or I hold it to my chest,  I know I know!  I have been working on this really hard, especially since I know have a jobs where its not really necessary to answer emails right away, and the job before that required answering of the phone asap at all hours of the night.

I am slowly breaking away from my blackberry cuddles, and moving my phone to a nightstand or such. Yet some how it seems to land in my hands anyways. (Judge if you want but if there is an emergency I got my phone!)

So, I told ‘question boy” this fact about me, a fact he kept repeating and asking about.  I explained one thing, that I have emails shut off on it, so I no longer wake up to emails (I get lots of spam in the early mornings) so basically it’s only the alarms, text messages and phone calls that I get on it. (from 2am-700am, but still!) Like I explained to him it is rare you get ‘spam’ texts or phone calls.

Another thing we talked about was the fact that I was about to make a business trip.  I am indeed right now writing this blog from Utah.  In fact, he asked me a lot about this trip.  I explained many times that my big business meeting (the reason) I was coming was on Monday (TODAY) and that I was going in a few days early to see a good friend, AND THEN…

This morning at 5:21am (Utah time) I feel a text message vibrate with it’s sound.  I have a text., and it’s from, you guessed it “question boy”

“ YAWNNN!! I’m up at airport waiting for my plane. Have a great turkey weekend!!!!!!!!! “

5 minutes later another buzz:   “Oh right you are a silly canuak and don’t like our turkey. HA!!!!!!!”

about 10 minutes later:  “ Hate the airport on Monday mornings!! Shouldn’t you be up and getting ready for your important meetings? Get up!!!!!”

about 5 minutes later: “Are you up yet?  You said this meeting was important. Good luck have fun!!!!!”

To which warranted a response:

“It is like fucking 5:30am here! Please stop texting me, and contacting me in general. Thank you.  Also, for future reference you should also stop using so many explanation marks!”

SIDEBAR: What is a ‘canuak ‘ ?

I talked about facebook as a way to meet a potential mate the other day and thought I’d share a story.

When I first moved to New York I was bombarded with friends asking if I was on facebook because they couldn’t find me.

Facebook what is this facebook you speak of, my mind would wander. (We’re talking way back in the early facebook days; they didn’t even have Canadian networks then)

I had a good friend from home ask what it was one time as we chatted. I gave her my login information and was like “check it out”.

She did and with out my knowledge she friend requested about 20 guys in the city who she thought would be good for me. Oh and she would stress good-looking here cause that always equals a good.

I had about three of them add me as friends and one contact me. One day an email via facebook from a seemly nice guy on facebook introducing him self, saying he didn’t remember meeting me but he just moved to the city and didn’t have many friends, asking if we knew each other from some place else. Our emails continued and then they graduated to IM conversation. We spent months chatting for hours into the night. The months went by but I had still yet to meet him but I felt like I knew everything about him. He was slowly becoming one of my best friends in the city, and yet no face-to-face.

We talked on the phone, we late night drunken texted, and then finally we decided we needed an “adventure” not just a meeting, an adventure! We both discussed our love for penguins once and thus our adventure was to go and experience penguins. And this was a big adventure not just a central park advneture an outing all the way out to coney island to the aquriam on a very warm Febuary day (after almost 6months of ‘knowing’ eachother)

We picked up some coffee, and we jumped on the train and rode the train chatting like we’d known eachother for years. I’ve yet to have a more enjoyable subway experience with any other person. It is at the top my list of “perfect NYC days”

He really is one of my best friends and oldest friends since moving here. We’ve experience alot together, and always laughed along the way. He might not always return my texts (hint hint) but I know he’s one of those people I can always count on. And in the lonely city he knows me better then anyone else. If all else fails I know just seeing him makes me light up and smile. I live for times we get to catch up. He tells me tales of his girlfriend of the moment, I regal the ridiculousness that is my life.

It’s funny how we can go out searching for love (even if you don’t do the searching yourself) and find things that are even better then you would expect.

Whenever people get down on ‘dating’ or going out and meeting people I always think of how we find the greatest people in the most unlikely places.  I may still be searching for “mr. right” (or even “mr. right now” ) but I have my “mr.popular” and that’s just fine by me…