One of my fellow bloggers and twitter friends has an installment on her site, which are letters to her future husband.

That’s not what I’m going to do here (that would be stealing….sorta). As much as I love the idea of writing stuff down and putting it out there in the world, the letter I want to write will indeed be read by it’s intended recipient.

SIDEBAR: My one and only letter to a future husband would read something like this:  Wow, you aren’t a douche bag, which is kind of nice. Ring size 6.

This letter is meant for YOU. Yup, you !

        Dear my lovely, messed up, crazy bunch of readers,

I was thinking about you today, as I was gasping for breath at the gym. You see my friend ‘Babs’ is always yelling at me when we go out about how there are certain stories I have not shared with you.(‘Babs’ doesn’t really yell, but the conversations comes up once we are sauced, thus, she speaks about 3 octaves above her normal voice.)

Since I don’t know your ring size as a collective, I thought I would give you this promise ‘letter’. Feel free to print it out and wrap it around your finger, and think pleasant thoughts about me!

I, Lost Plum, promise to provide you with more blog posts that fall under the ‘a long-long time ago!’ category, and bring some stories out the closet.          ~L.P

GOAL: I’ll try to keep the humour on the down low because I keep getting comments, emails, and twitter messages about people reading and spitting up all over their screens. I feel bad about the possibility of wrecking others computers. 

FACT: Mama plum always says “yeah but EVERYONE has a blog, that’s nothing special!” So using the term ‘a fellow blogger’ is something she wouldn’t approve of, because I might as well say a fellow human being.

I keep seeing your ads, and although it makes me want to run further and further from your stores I want to know when you are going to start realizing my many uses.

I can be turned, switched, converted, and manipulated in a whole bunch of different ways.  I’m actually more then just one “piece” and I have countless ways to wear me.

Come check out MY many colours,

Plum

P.S. Scrunches!!?? REALLY!!???

I know it’s been a while since we last communitcated, but I just need to say a few thing before I go.

I thought we had a good thing going over the past few years.  You, Me, My Mac, our followers…good times.   But being the girl I can be I guess I was wrong.  I mean I was able to look over the fact that you paid more attention to the girls with a bigger subscriber base, or that you’d need scheduled “maintaince” time to your self. I guess I just don’t know what I did to be treated this way.

I’m hurt inside. I just needed to tell you that.  You breaking up with me, and dumping all my stuff into one big mess of a file, and sending it in a breakup email, was harsh and uncalled for.  I thought you were better then that.

I was always here for you, and it would have been nice to know that we were having issues. Sure, everyone has their problems, but I thought we were different then other couples.

I don’t know if I can ever forget you, and am trying really hard to forgive you for the pain you are causing me right now.  I’d like to hope one day we could be friends, but I know that can never happen.

Take care of yourself, and know that I loved you,

plum

P.S. I’ve started seeing a new guy, his name is wordpress….his dashboard is bigger then yours….so *BLOG*-U!

We all know how putting hot woman in commercials bait men into thinking that hot woman/sex come hand-in-hand with your product.

So why don’t you do this with advertising for “women”.  Why do your Birth Control commercials not show sexy or hot woman in them? 

You need to start  making more Birth Control commercials with woman who are actually thinner and prettier then me!  I’m serious.

When I watch your commercials and see the “average”, and lets be honest usually “old and less then average” woman telling me how she is having sex, it just makes me angry at your product, because for some reason she can get laid but I can’t.  

I don’t want to take the birth control that the “old average” women take, I want the one that the hot sexy models take! The ones I believe are actually having sex all the time, and they haven’t been knocked up.

Stop making me feel like something is wrong with me, because apparently the ladies in your commercials are needing to protect themselves, yet I am finding this difficult.

Make us believe again that only hot sexy people have sex, because then when I do have it, I feel hot and sexy!!

Thank you,

Ready to Pill-Pop Plum

After playing hard to get for WAY too long you have made your face seen to me! I want to thank you for coming back into my life only 15 hours before we are set to have a magical adventure together.

I’m so happy you will now be coming with me.  I hope that you can forgive me for whatever I did to you.  If I was mean, or I threw to many things ontop of you, I’m sorry.

I’m very excited for our trip and the many exciting times we have coming to us!
Soon to be airplane bound (with you)

Plum

If you could be so kind as to spare me the hangover that I so rightly deserve today, it would be much appreciated.

I know that after spending my entire day drinking for hours and staying out well past 4 a.m. on the night before I have an 9 a.m. meeting was not one of my better choices in life.  However, we all make mistakes, right?

I know I’ve been bad and deserve the wrath you bring, but I was hopping you might consider rescheduling my hangover? Saturday morning? Or perhaps Sunday? It would be much appreciated on my end (and on others)

Thanks! I owe you a drink!

with love,

plum

Every once and a while I smile when I hear my “ding-a-text-message-ding” and my heart skips alittle beat.  I’m hoping it’s something exciting, something good, or even better it’s someone good.

However, then there are days when I pray with all of my little heart that the “ding-a-ding-text ding” and you the founder of text messaging as a standard form of communication die a horrible horrible death!

I hope in hell you are consistently bombarded with text message that are vague and questioning in tone and meaning, and you are whipped into translating them for eternity.

Messages like, “maybe i’ll catch you later”, “could be fun”, “another time, LOL.”,. ect.

thank you, and enjoy hell.

plum

I was thinking today as I left your place that where else can someone get almost an entire winter wardrobe for under $400, and where else can I get stuff to add to my winter wardrobe, and that tank-top in 5 different colours for under $400.

However, I can find a place…it’s called H&M.  Only at H&M can i get that stuff cheaper/or get more.  But you’re H&M you say.  Well yes! But when you travel to this country you become nothing more then an overpriced American hooker. (you are better then that!)

When you are in Europe, yes you are cheap (you’re like Walmart cheap) but you are still respectable, and in a sense respected, but when you travel over here to the USA, you lose all your self respect!

Thus I don’t understand peoples obsession with you.  Why are you so loved that people flock to see you, come in and riffle through you like the golden ticket is taped inside a $15 cardigan.  

You become dumpy, dirty, crowed, and over priced when you visit us here in America.  

I can never truly love you when you are here. I miss the H&M Europe I feel in love with.  The one where yes your prices are cheaper (then here) but it’s still a pleasant clean experience inside.

Take better care of yourself, get your self respect back, I’ll be waiting for you!

And tell the middle-aged, balding, security guards I don’t plan on stealing the $15 cardigan, even if I could get it for $5 in Europe (with exchange)

simply, plum