The Lost Plum…

We all do things that people find unappealing.  Many times we notice unappealing behavior in the opposite sex more then others.  I in fact notice his a lot.  I notice people a lot and I notice guys even more (can you blame me?).  Now I’m no way would I say guys can be more unappealing then girls. In fact, I am more bothered and at times ‘discussed’ by things I see girls doing or saying in public.

However, this past weekend I observed/overheard a few things about the opposite sex.  These five events all took place over the weekend. These are perfect examples as to why I am so called “picky”.  Cause sometimes guys just make me shake my head.

1. Walking down the street near NYU passed by two guys having a conversation. These two guys couldn’t have been older then 23 and defiantly were students.  I only really over heard the following:  “You need to play them the new Little Wayne song, it’s funny as hell and the ladies love his shit!”    Wow, I wish I had a boy that would have me over to his dorm room and play Little Wayne.  Oh wait……(*sigh*)

2.   “There were a lot of good bitches there…and then 10minutes later they all left.”   These guys crossing the street in hells kitchen/midtown need to realize that just maybe all those bitches saw them and ran away.

3.  When I can see the crotch seam to your boxer briefs then your pants are way to low.  That is all I’m going to say about that.

4.  Sitting at a coffee shop in union square area a young pretty good-looking guy walks in. Walks in door, walks over towards the register but stops at the refrigerated compartment where they have cold drinks. Picks up a bottle of water, throws it up in the air so it spins he grabs it as it comes down. He then turns around and walks out of the door. Personally, I like guys who can pay for their own water, I don’t know about you, but that is just me.

5.  “Well how much for two girls?”  Now we should be clear I was walking outside near 59^th and 6^th at 3am, and I saw this guy leaning against a building, talking on his cell phone.  The best part of this and he didn’t say like he was going up in price as in ‘wow that’s a deal maybe I’ll try two.  This guy said it like ‘WOW that’s a lot’ and moved down to two from whatever number he was at previous.

SIDEBAR:  I think women putting on makeup on in public are one of the most disgusting things in the world. I’m not talking a little lipstick and such. I’m talking pulling out their cakey gross spongy compact and rubbing it all over their face, or mascara on…it makes me throw up in my mouth especially when its on the subway!

I’m going to put this out into the open. I can’t date boys who run. I just can’t do it. For one simple reason:  I do not run.

Not only do I find no joy in it.  I also find no point to it. And I happen to have the right knee of 72 year old. (due to year of running after soccer balls, and a small incident involving a car)

SIDEBAR: I do however seem to find lots of guys who seem to run from me.

Now, I had this discussion with a friend of mine last weekend.  And she agreed, mainly because she, like me doesn’t like it or see the point in it.  “As long as they don’t expect me to run with them. I’m cool with it.”

Well here’s the thing:  They are never cool with you not doing it. Running like all sports related topics are things people become fanatical about.  Now I’m not talking stop your life for fanatical…..but sometimes I am.  People who get fanatical about things need to check themselves.

Runner boys say they are cool with you not joining them. But the topic always finds away to come up and be stuffed in your face over and over again. Now I’m not saying I don’t like doing activities and sporty type things, I’m not saying that at all.

Maybe just maybe I’ll break down and go with them. It’s been known to happen. But I don’t last very long till my knee screams (stops) and lets be honest my out of shape ass can’t breath.  And then THAT has to come up.  I maybe slowed them down, or didn’t push myself, blah blah blah….

Don’t get me started on pushing myself. I can’t stand being pushed into something physical or in the fitness realm.  I’ve gone through almost every personal trainer at the gyms because if you yell at me I’m done with you. I do what I want to the point I want.  (this maybe why my ass is so huge but we aren’t talking about my ass right now)

So yeah, running!  I hate it, and can’t bring myself to date anyone who likes it, or even worse those guys who love it.  It isn’t fun, stop telling yourself it is!

Plus, I can think of many other fun activities that can get your heart rate pumping. Activity’s that I find fun as well.  Couples who run together make me vomit in my mouth!

FACT: I say “running after soccer balls” because girls soccer is and always will be ‘kick-and-chase’, and we’re all better off if we can just admit that now.

I was having a conversation the other night with friends about stuff that drives guys crazy. (more on that on later, or not) It got me thinking about things guys do that drive me crazy, and more importantly things guy say that drive me crazy! You know those things you never want to hear a guy say again.

The following are 10 things I never want to hear another boy say to me (Again)!

1) “You have a cute little tummy.”

Are you serious right now!? I am like 99.9862% positive you just called me fat.

2) “I forgot how great you are.”

Of course I’m great you tard! I’m amazing in fact, and all that time you spent away/forgetting me was totally your loss!

3) “If you also have toast and bacon or sausage that would be great too.”

Dude I just made you eggs, fruit, and coffee and this is the first time we’ve had sex. Check yourself! Then check yourself again!

4) “Don’t forget your granny panties.”

They may or may not fall under the category of “granny panties” that is irrelevant. All I know is you seemed pretty excited to be seeing them earlier so pay them some respect.

5) “Can I take a shower?”

I’m going to let you cause I’m a good hostess, but No, no you cannot take a shower. Unless we are in a committed relationship or we are spending the whole day together you cannot use my shower and use a perfectly clean towel, or my expensive shampoo. Pick up your dirty clothes put them on and leave.

6) “We have to lay sideways on the bed or it makes noise.”

Ok I get it your bed squeaks when we “move”, that is cool I can respect that. But if it makes those noises just from a little motion you need to either get a new bed frame or find someone else who is comfortable only “being” in one spot.

7) “I’m not really looking for a serious relationship right now.”

Dude! Did you hear me at anytime say I was? Wow, you’re great and all, but your heads getting big. I like you and you interest me that is all…. Nobody mentioned a relationship and I sure as hell didn’t mention babies!

8) “That was my ex girlfriends I just haven’t gotten around to throwing it out.”

Please note if you have been out of a relationship more then 2weeks your apartment should Not include the following: makeup, nail polish, jewelry which obviously cost less the $20, female deodorant, a curling or flat iron, or tampons.  (Also, unless you guys lived together your apartment should never include the above)

9) “Are you going to write about me?”

Only when you say stupid ass stuff like that, Einstein! I’m spending time with you which means I probably like you enough to not subject you to being mentioned in a silly blog, or I will write about you once you become a douche-bag.

10) “What do you like to do for fun?”

I’m here right now and I was having fun until you started asking stupid questions like that.

(reason #___why I’m single: I can’t control my eye rolls when people say stupid things.)

SIDEBAR: I also have no desire to get into someone else’s dirty shower.

I’ve been getting alot of messages wanting more details about “Babyface” after my drunken make-out a week back.

Well here is the thing, I am not really here to blog solely on my dating life, and give everyone a break down. (Although I love a good play-by-play…and I know you guys do too!) I also try to never write about someone I am seeing, or see once and might like to see again. I leave the writing for after, the later, the “he’s never calling me back” light bulb above the head.

So, I guess here is the story update on  “Babyface”.

*Insert the ‘he’s not calling me back’ light bulb going off.  <ding>

I got a text message form “Babyface” Sunday morning, afternoon, late afternoon. I in my bed and he in his, exchanged texts about our drunken debaucheries, are meeting, and of course or desire to finally get out of bed and eat something.

He gives me an invite to join him for an early dinner. I text why not, as I’m throwing covers and clothes off me and jumping in the shower.

SIDEBAR: That’s a lie I wasn’t wearing clothes!

I’m running a few late (and had to drop off something at a friends first) I of course text him say so, he says no worries, he lives like 5 blocks from the place anyways.

I get there 3min. late (my bad) he’s there just starting his first beer.

We chitchat, drink, and eat some food, and drink some more. We then head to another bar for a happy hour, and drink more.

About my 4th beer in he turns to me and says,

“Are you nervous?”

“Why would I be nervous? (Laugh, throw back drink) why are you?!”

“You look nervous…You’re so cute”

And he leans in and kisses me.

Now we know how I feel about PDA and don’t get me started on PDA in a place where they serve food.

But (wait for it) I didn’t really mind.  Something about making out in the back booth of an empty bar didn’t bother me so much (it took the P out of the PDA) Maybe, this is why he kept saying I looked nervous.

So you can use your ever-exciting imaginations to imagine what happens next……and then on Tuesday I send him a quick text along the lines of :   Had a great time Sunday, let do it again soon.

Nothing……

Friday night I’m out with friends and a few sangria pitchers later I bring it up, that I never heard from him….not to bitch just bring it up as a fact of life.

And my amazing friend “C” turns to me and says he’s not interested in the best way I have ever heard someone say it.  He grabs his phone and starts pretending to text.

“You see me! You see! See what I’m doing.  Look! Look! It’s not that hard.  ‘ohh there’s a pretty girl on the other end, I need to text back like NOW’….oh she texted again, yeah, text back again…..”

He then closes his phone puts it down and says “He’s a stupid dick!”

“Did you see me, before texting, that’s to the girl I don’t even really like like, and I don’t even want to sleep with her…..you are amazing, anyone who doesn’t text you back asap is crazy!”

I love my friends sometimes…….well all the time!

So, online dating…..yeah I do it, we all do it (just say it out loud and get over it……the term “dating” can mean different things for different people)

So I get the most messages on OKCUPID. I get a lot of short, very basic, pretty much generic emails, or the ever not exciting “wink”

(Simone wrote a great post about “the wink” Read it!)

So I got this email today from some random guy, who said something interesting: “I probably wont get an email back from you cause youre listed as very selective in replying, but thought it was worth a shot. I think youre your profile is great and would love to know more.”

Selective? Am I that selective? Ok wait….I shouldn’t have put a question mark behind that; OF COURSE I’m selective!

I Will Not Respond To You If:

1- You are over the age of 38
2- You are not over the age of 26
3- Your user name contains the word: hot, sexy, or guy.
4- You are an actor (and pretend that is how you make your living)
5- I recognize you as being my friend’s doorman
6 – You have N/A listed in more then 3 of your basic stats (this excludes income…you do not have to list that in my book)
7- You have more then 1 picture with you and a group of ‘attractive’ girls.
8- You’re from Europe
9- You say you are looking for a girl who “takes care of themselves” Serious, dudes, do you think someone reads that looks down at the stains on their shirt and say “oh that’s not me, too bad.” JUST SAY you don’t like FAT girls. See #10
10- Your profile translates to DOUCHE-BAG!
11- I know just by looking at you that you aren’t funny
12- I know just by looking at you that I’m smarter then you
13- You have kids. (but thanks for being honest)
14- You have a picture of you reading a book. Come on, honestly what’s the last book you really did read?
15- You can’t mention anything we have in common from my profile, but insist we have stuff in “common”
16- You are Egyptian.
17- You say you are looking for someone who can carry on a conversation….again, do you think someone reads that and says, “nope, not me!”

SIDEBAR: That’s not that selective, is it?

(reason #___why I’m single: All the above?)