The Lost Plum…

There are two things my mother says you should never talk about in public.

Your Lady Parts and

Your Lady Issues.

So on that note, I’ve never really understood PMS. In fact, I mostly believe it’s all in ‘our’ heads! I’ve never had problems at that time, never craved mass amounts of chocolate, cramped up, and as far as I know have never turned into a raging man hating bitch.

I will admit to the odd headache and my sometimes my insomnia flies into full fledged not sleeping. But in three days (usually two) ALL (from pre to post) is done/gone/over/ready to start again.

So today (day 2) in my lack of sleep state as I sit cramped (the only cramps I ever get) on the train headed to a meeting, I feel sorry for the poor girls who suffer for days and apparently turn into man-hating-food-hoarding-darkside-bitches, and I really really feel sorry for the ones who use this time as an excuse to do the above. (Even more so when they are verbal about it: As mama-plum would say,”noone wants to hear about your lady issues!”)

But despite all my sorry feelings, the one person I really don’t feel sorry for today is THIS GUY!  (High-five buddy)

(reason #___why I’m single: Maybe guys find the ‘not pregnant’ high-five, and celebratory shoot uncool)

SIDEBAR: mama-plum also feels strongly about not using the word “bastard” in public, due to the overwheling number of children born out of wedlock.

FACT: mama-plum also still offers to buy my ‘lady products’ and send them to me, because no young-single girl should be seen showing her “lady-issues” in public.

(reason #___why I’m single: All the good guys have seen me buying my own “lady products”, instead of me getting my mother to do it.)

Had a late dinner last night with Simone after the third instalment of Dating Boot Camp  (more on that to come!)  

As we sat and talked over our burgers about all thing good, bad, ugly, and sexy. I recounted the story of the first “sex talk” I ever had with my mother.  And I thought I should share.

It Happened Like This:

My mother and I are driving in the car home from something.  I’m 17, and had been dating “firstguy” for almost 2 years.  We aren’t really saying anything, sorta sitting in silence.  Then out of nowhere,

Mrs.P: Have you and ‘firstguy’ had sex yet?

Me:  NO…. (in an awkward way, because we of course had)

Mrs.P: Well you better or he’ll break up with you.

We then look at  each other in that, did you just say that/did that just come out of my mouth, way.

She quickly pulls over to the side of the road and gets out of the car, and starts walking…..when she finally returns to the car, she turns to me and says, “I don’t want to talk about it. I can’t talk to you when you are like this!”

And we drove home in silence.  It would be almost 3 years before she would say anything about sex again to me.

Had dinner tonight for one of my bestest’s birthdays. (Happy birthday JAM) so we are sitting around our Mexican dishes and tall frozen drinks and discussing the craziness that are our parents. While still talking about sex, cause I mean when does conversation amongst friends not turn to sex. We talked about (I of course made endless fun of) Things you never want to hear your parents say, and this reminded me of awkward sex talks with my mother. So I thought I would share another one~~

The time my mother thought I was …well just read it:  It happened like this:

 I was home on a Christmas break from University, when out of the blue my mother said we should have “a little talk…..I’ll come up to your room in a bit.”  Now at first I was like, ok whatever, let me guess could this be about my credit card bills, but then it strikes me as odd that she would meet me in my room.  See we never really had conversation in my room, or hung in my room, or anything like that.  It was never that our rooms as kids were off limits to my parents, they were just out of the way (3^rd floor was just my bro-boos room and mine all the way at separate end of the hall) So I was like, “whatever mom sure, I’ll be upstairs”  A few hours later my mother comes upstairs.  She sits down on my bed and look visible upset.

“I want you to know how much dad and I love you and support you.”

I say “ok” with an odd look on my face, what is she getting at!

“We will always be here for you, no matter what happens” She goes on like this for about 10 minutes, I’m just nodding my head, saying I understand, sort of rolling my eyes over the crazy that is my mother.

“Are you sick?” I ask.

“No.”  She says.

Hmm….she continues on about my parents love for me how they will support me unconditionally in the choices I make for my life.  Oh my god! They are getting a divorce!  That has to be it! Wow, really? My parents getting a divorce, how the hell did that happen.

Now she’s babbling on about how she can “understand” how I’ve been hurt by boys in the past, and how I’ve never had that much luck with guys, how they seem to always break my heart.

“What are you talking about?”  I say.  I mean I’m not absolutely pathetic when it comes to boys.

“We love you so much, but, but, maybe…(she starts to chock up)”

“What mom?”

“Just…maybe don’t come out till your grandma dies.”

“WHAT?!?”

“We are here….” /

“YOU THINK I’M GAY?”/

“I can understand…”/

“I’m NOT gay, MOM!”

“It’s ok, we, “/

“I LIKE THE COCK MOM!”

(Shock on her face and silence……yes I really did just tell my mom I like the cock!)

“I can’t talk to you when you say such terrible things!”  She storms out in tears.

So my mother thought I had been lost to the ladies in University.  I still bring this up every once and a while when I want to make fun of her (we make fun of each other at my house a lot).

SIDEBAR:  My Dad was so embarrassed when he found out about this a few years later.  “You thought what!!???” He turned to my mom…..I’m pretty sure she once again used her famous line “I can’t talk to you when you”….as she ran from the room!

AND: the thing discussed over dinner that you never want to hear your parents say “would you like role-play that.”

My mother and I just made a bet. Who can lose 10pounds by my cousins wedding on July 15th? It’s actually who can lose the most weight, but she doesn’t seem to think either of us can go over 10pounds in 2months.

My mother came up with the stakes.  And hence why I need to win.

 Mum-moo: bragging rights, nagging rights, and full on making fun of rights till 2010.

Me-moo: Ok (laughs) but you do that anyways.

Mum-moo: Oh! I’ve been holding back, this is no holding back stuff.

Me-moo: (uncomfortable laugh) There some thing you want to say?!

Mum-moo: Your ass better watch it. Cause when my ass wins, your whole life better watch it!

Me-moo: My whole life? (laughs)

Mum-moo: Your dating life, your jobs, your clothes, your hair, everything! No holds barred. Watch it!

Me-moo: You’re on!

Mum-moo: Bring it!

Me-moo: Oh it’s already been broughten!

Mum-moo: that doesn’t even make sense…broughten? What?…….(continues to rant, nag, complain about my grammar usage for about an hour!)

FACT: my mother just might make me cry if I don’t do this.

GOAL: lose 25 pounds by July 12th!  Which was the goal by September 1.

(reason #___why I’m single: Apparently my mother knows, ask her. She’s been holding back!)

If you’ve been online in the last day or two I bet you have heard/seen all these leaked photos of one Ms.Tina Sherman.   She’s getting some serious traffic, but I tend to lean towards this happening because most, like me are sitting at their computer saying: “who the fuck is Tina Sherman? And oh boo-hoo her pictures got leaked”.  Well here’s the deal.  She “lost” her cell phone, and someone “leaked” the photos. The pictures on her cell where meant or her husbands eyes only. Not meant for all of us out driving along on the Internet Superhighway. Now first thing if I was to take a cell phone picture of myself naked and have it meant for someone else (lets say a boy) we’ll I’d take the picture and send it on over to his cell phone, and then delete it off my phone.  I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m under the understanding that we keep pictures on our phones because we either a: want to show them to people or b: we want to look at them.

Now if these pictures were for her husbands eyes only why are they are her phone, who else is she showing them to (or sending them to) or why the fuck does she need to keep looking at her self, it’s called a mirror sweetie.  Anyways, I’m ranting off topic.  She has her pictures leaked because: SHE LEFT HER PHONE AT A MCDONALD’S!

really sweetie, come on now!

So now instead of taking the high road and responsibility for being well STUPID, the Sherman’s (Phillip is the husband) are suing McDonald’s for $3 million. They are blaming McD’s for their emotional distress.  $3million, seriously, I think McDonald’s has caused me emotional distress too! Like that time they gave me the girl toy when I clearly asked for the rocking transformer boy toy with my happy meal.  That was gender bias and discrimination….maybe I should sue them for say $500, I could use $500 right about now!

FACT: Anything digital finds it ways to the masses. Just watch any movie!

SIDEBAR:  Mother has always told me: “Even boys who love you will love money more. So never make a sex-tape or let them take pictures of you with your panties off”

FACT:  You know there was no “lost” cell phone, and they leaked it themselves!