The Lost Plum…

Things in my life are changing, mainly in the job/money world. I’m taking some bigger risks then I’ve ever taken before, and here’s hoping they payoff.

My mother and I last night on the phone discussed the different paths I’ve taken in life. Or as she put it, “driving in a corn field trying to find the road!” (Oh and don’t forget her constant reminders of how well the economy is doing in Canada)

“I bet you wish you could tell yourself at 18 to do something different!”

“Yeah, mom, but not in the way you think!”

So, if I could tell my 18 year old self 10 words of wisdom from the future what would they be?”

1.  Breakup with ‘firstguy’ now. Like 2 years ago NOW! Walk away, and don’t let your bruised up body turn back!

2. That knee brace you’re supposed to wear while playing sports, wear it! Trust me.

3. The car was blue. I know you think it was green, but it was blue! Remember that.

4. GM shares: sell now. Yup, I mean it sell sell sell now!

5. Moving off campus into a house with 7girls is not, and never will be a good idea.

6.   Take some more business classes!

7.  Write more.

8.  Student government sounds like a good idea. But in reality it isn’t.

9.  Get a breast reduction now. Don’t wait. It will change your life.

10.  Buy a mac computer now!

Mama Plum is always known for giving me doozy relationship advice.

One of the few ‘warnings’ she always gives me is:  ”Don’t forget Spooning always leads to Forking.”

And I’d have to say I pretty much agree. Except, this ‘rule’ of hers only works in certain spoon positioning game plays. Obliviously, this only works when males are involved (sorry to all my women-loving female readers…here read this)

I usually spoon with only males (check), but yet I don’t find so much that this rule applies to me.  Maybe, that’s because this Plum prefers to be the Big Spoon rather then the Little Spoon.

It’s pretty hard for me as the big spoon to establish the forking (hey now, watch your dirty mind there), although I pretty much have nailed it down. We all know how I feel about morning sex.

I love being the big spoon! I proudly admit this fact.  I know it’s not a female trait to have, and I will agree that there is always something about being held/having someone wrap their arm around you.  But come on, Big Spoons are where it’s at!

Interesting FACT about Plum: I love to touch things with the ends of my fingers. I’m always rubbing them together, rubbing them on my clothes, eating food with my hands.  My fingertips are like one of my ‘zones’ if I can use that word. (god, I hate that word)

Being the big spoon allows me to touch and more importantly rub my fingertips against skin. (that sounds dirty..i know, I know!) I should have been a massage therapist.  I can rub/touch/scratch skin till the cows come home.

And believe me, I have never once heard a complaint!

So where are all my movies, TV shows, books, soft-core porn, music video and in general other ladies who like being the big spoon at?!

(reason #___why I’m single: I’m in charge with my big spoon! well it’s more of a spork of sorts.)

SIDEBAR: When the word Interesting is placed before FACT, it is subjective and subject to interpretation…aka, you might not find it interesting.

(reason #___why I’m single: I referred to myself as a spork!)

Here and there I spend a lot of time reading other peoples blogs, not because I really enjoy them (well I enjoy a few), but mostly to make sure no one is stealing my Genius wit (aka. my amazing humour and my great puns!)  Cause then I’d have to kick some serious something-something, and although that would make for some great blog posts, it wouldn’t make for such a great police record.

One of my fellow bloggers and twitter friends has an installment on her site, which are letters to her future husband.

That’s not what I’m going to do here (that would be stealing….sorta). As much as I love the idea of writing stuff down and putting it out there in the world, the letter I want to write will indeed be read by it’s intended recipient.

SIDEBAR: My one and only letter to a future husband would read something like this:  Wow, you aren’t a douche bag, which is kind of nice. Ring size 6.

This letter is meant for YOU. Yup, you !

        Dear my lovely, messed up, crazy bunch of readers,

I was thinking about you today, as I was gasping for breath at the gym. You see my friend ‘Babs’ is always yelling at me when we go out about how there are certain stories I have not shared with you.(‘Babs’ doesn’t really yell, but the conversations comes up once we are sauced, thus, she speaks about 3 octaves above her normal voice.)

Since I don’t know your ring size as a collective, I thought I would give you this promise ‘letter’. Feel free to print it out and wrap it around your finger, and think pleasant thoughts about me!

I, Lost Plum, promise to provide you with more blog posts that fall under the ‘a long-long time ago!’ category, and bring some stories out the closet.          ~L.P

GOAL: I’ll try to keep the humour on the down low because I keep getting comments, emails, and twitter messages about people reading and spitting up all over their screens. I feel bad about the possibility of wrecking others computers. 

FACT: Mama plum always says “yeah but EVERYONE has a blog, that’s nothing special!” So using the term ‘a fellow blogger’ is something she wouldn’t approve of, because I might as well say a fellow human being.

Was out with my ‘bra’s’ Simone and Tom last night. (Do you read their blogs? Umm….cause you should!) We started talking about emails we all get in regards to people asking for ‘relationship’ advice.

Now, they get more advise emails then I do, by far.  BY far!  And this doesn’t surprise me. First off, my male readership is larger then my female readership, and well, it takes a lot for guys to just come out and ask for advice. (in my opinion) Second off, as my mother would put it:

MamaPlum:  You don’t give relationship advice on that silly blog of yours do you?

Me: No! (laughing)

MamaPlum:  Good! You’re the last person who should be giving relationship advice!

After our discussion last night, I went back through my email inbox, and pulled out some of the ‘advise’ questions.  So here are 3 advise emails.  Broken down, and then my two sense!

Three stellar moments of dating/relationship/love/sex advise from Miss. LostPlum:

Q: “My girlfriend doesn’t seem to like blowing me….I don’t get how….what can I do….”

A: Is your penis smaller then average? No disrespect, but speaking from a personal stand point. I love to go down on a guy, unless the package isn’t that appetizing! In which case  I’ll pass! I’d rather be sucking on your cock, then stuck not being able to breath someplace lost between your sweaty thighs, ball hair, and stomach (just saying). If that isn’t the case, and if it means a lot to you bring it up, and/or walk away. Being able to sexually satisfy each other is a major part of any relationship.  (Also, who doesn’t like doing that? Really?)

Q: Your dating bootcamp….is there such a thing for guys…I need that…what about pickup men…suggest.

A: Well dating boot camp that I did was hosted by Matt/Tamsen who do offer services for males, but I can’t speak for their effectiveness or even the program.If you are looking for a pickup/wingman service let me point you towards The Art of Charm guys.  Again, I can’t speak directly for their effectiveness, but out of the ‘wingman/pickup artists’ services, they are by far the least douche-baggy one out there, and even better check out their Pick Up Pod Cast (I enjoy them!) OR even better go out, be yourself, and smile!

Q: When you….condoms….what is your favorite condom…cool to know what chicks think.

A: Condoms, condoms, condoms! Well the best thing about sex is trying out different types of condoms. Try them out, take them for a test ‘run’, and figure out what works out best for you…or even better what your ‘friend’ likes.

I poke fun at my mother a lot on here. It’s all in good fun, but at the end of the day as much as she makes me roll my eyes, shake my head, or even shake my fist, I love her to death and she is my best friend and she’s taught me a lot.

10 things Mama Plum has taught me about love-dating-sex and the opposite sex:

1)  Never-ever take nude photos or make a sex tape with or for someone. “That’s all you need is people on the Internet knowing your business, or seeing your business!”

2)  Guys will always pick fame and fortune first! You can still make it work and still have a great relationship, but if a guy is ‘famous’ that always comes first. “You don’t scream and cry for him like all those little fans do, sweetie!”

3)  “Everybody likes desert, but there is a reason the cheese cake factory is trashy!”  There is nothing wrong with giving away a little desert, but don’t be over indulgent and fill the plate.  “It’s better to have just a bite rather then the whole gross big slice”   (As we know I’m not always great at this rule!)

4) Wear a good bra! ”  A bra is to show you off, not for you to take off”

5)  Buy a king size bed! You’ll spend too much time talking about how you two should of that it will take time off your life. “Scratch that, I’ll get you one as a wedding gift….if that ever happens!”

6)  ”Take that hat off, boys need to see your beautiful eyes”. I went threw a hat phase. Name any type of hat I wore them all the time. I got over it, and guys saw a lot more of me. (although I still hide behind my glasses)

7) “Showering together only leads to trouble” she makes a good point, except I don’t know exactly what type of trouble she meant.

8) You should always be open with a significant other in regards to spending habits, credit card debt, and loans, ect. “Cause once I get you married you’re off the Plum family payroll”

9)  “Even lip-gloss is something” My mother feels very strongly about never being seen in public without a little something in the makeup realm. This to her is not only done for yourself, but more importantly for others, and in my case the opposite sex.

10)  Most importantly just be yourself! “Someone out there will put up with you and all your funny stuff” No matter who you are someone will love that about you. Never settle for being anything but yourself.

FACT: My parents went on 2 dates, and got engaged. My dad then moved cross-country and flew back for the wedding. I wasn’t born for another 3 years (if that’s what you were thinking) So, not sure how much she knows about relationships or boys, but this fact always creeps my brother out, so I needed to re point it out for him!

SIDEBAR: She’s not best friend enough to know the address to this blog, she knows there is one, just not how to find it.