The Lost Plum…

This should be a post where I talk about the New Year upon us (NOT a new decade!) and talk about the past year and what it has meant to me, or even what this next year will bring.  Nope, this isn’t one of those posts, well not really…

I was chatting with my mom last night. She’s very confused by the whole ‘blog thing’. She gets it, but for the life of her can’t figure out why anyone would read it.

“They do realize your challenged, right?”

“Yes, mum”

“Ok, well what do you write about? What could you possibly say?”

“I don’t know… about life and stuff”.

“Ok…as long as you aren’t writing about sex, or putting naked pictures of yourself up on the interneter screen”

“I’d have to having sex to talk about it mum.”

“Don’t say that! I don’t want to know about that. Stop…maybe you can talk about all the nice men you know, rather then all the gommies you always find.”

“Yeah, ok thanks Tips”

“You know I don’t like it when you call me TIPS.”(A mothers sigh to be heard across the country)

Maybe my mom has a point. Not about me being challenged, that’s a whole other point. Mama Plum makes a good point about guys. I have found some real ‘gommies’ out there, and I might have high standards (according to everyone but me) but maybe that is because there are men (guys/boys/whatever) in my life that are so amazing it’s virtually impossible to find someone to compare.

Maybe I should start writing about all the amazing great guys (who I’d never date) I have in my life. Maybe as the year winds down I should think of all the wonderful friends I have, who really are the best (boy)friends one could ever hope for.

SIDEBAR: I had to throw in a little end of the year nostalgia for good measure.

I joke a lot on here about my mom. I do, I know I do. I make fun of her in a playful way to her face too, she cool with it…well depending on the topic (this one still upsets her, but my bro and I find it funny to bring up anyways)

But my mom is maybe the best relationship I have in my life. My family in general is.  They have always been consistent, and reliable, and willing to do anything and everything for me.

I had the most wonderful talk last night with both mamaplum and daddyplum on the phone.  We talked work, friends, life, business, and boys (well my dad did not partake in the talk about boys) I finished up the conversation feeling good about number one: feeling good about me, and confident in me!

I’ve been getting flack from some of you saying I’m starting to write all emotional on you, yeah maybe I am right now, but no worries it’s stopping.

My family does things for me that they probably don’t have to. I’m in my late 20s and every once and awhile my dad will put money on my credit card, my mom still sends me care packages, she offers to fly here to do my laundry and clean and cook for me when I seem stressed, and I know my parents would happily eat soup from a can for months before they let either my brother or I do so.

FACT: My mom asked last night if I was eating healthy I told her I had a salad with chicken for dinner….I ate toast and a pomegranate.

I lied to her not cause she would be mad, but because if I told her that there would be a FreshDirect box of vegetables and good food at my door in the morning.

So how does this transform back to my dating life you may ask? Well it made me think back to a conversation I had with one of my great guy friends ‘AT’. He was thinking of ending a relationship he was about 2 months into.  There were lots of reason (she was crazy….like clock is ticking already had a dress hanging in her closet crazy) but one thing he brought up struck a small cord and made total sense to me.

He said he just couldn’t be with someone that didn’t understand that no matter how financially secure he is in his life; he will never be finically free from his parents.  Now ‘AT’ and I have both had great jobs, made lots of money. But we grew up in households where family is there for you, and not just emotionally and physically.  The girl he was seeing wouldn’t stop bring up that his parents helped with his down payment for his apartment he bought, that they paid for his education, that they talked all the time, and so on.

It’s a small thing, those small comments that really dig at you. Now my parents (and ‘AT’s) don’t shower me with money.  But if I was to ask they would help me, problem has become I don’t really want to ask.

So I need a guy in my life that won’t question, and more importantly won’t judge me for actions at the end of the day I can’t help.  I can’t help that my parents love and support me in everything I do and they show it in ways like money. I love my parents more then anything and anyone, and that is the relationship we have. They will always be there. Guys have come and gone, and will probably continue to do so.  So at the end of the day I guess I’m searching for one who can love me and my family too….oh and I guess also putting up with my mother maybe showing up out of the blue to do his laundry.

So I got a lot of emails (and a few great comments) about my list on things I never want to hear a guy say to me again. One email had this to say: “yeah but what are the things YOU say that a guy doesn’t want to hear again. That’d be a great post”. I also get emails asking if I have ever lived with a guy and I should tell those stories. Believe me if there were stories to tell they would be told.

So although I’m not too sure on what I say that might drive guys crazy (well except for everything!) I do know that I have a few little ‘quirks’ that may not want a guy to live with me. So let’s kick off the week with these:

9 reasons why a guy probably would never want to live with me.

1. I am pretty sure I’m losing my hair completely. I shed worse then a camel in summer!  Now I clean up the hair (it’s not all over) but I’m pretty sure you will purchase Drano far more then ever before.

2. I own numinous umbrellas. And No you can’t borrow one. You can’t borrow any of them for that matter. I’m serious.

3. I think the magical dry cleaning fairies exists. The Huge dry-cleaning piles must disappear. I will not take/do them.  But I do really enjoy doing laundry. (Speaking of which I really need my mother to come visit and kick those fairies into gear!)

4. Pillows: I like lots of pillows. I also have certain pillows for certain moods. I will beat you if you take my pillow.

5. My mother will phone at least twice a day, and if she gets your number and hasn’t heard from me in 72 hours she will call you an estimated 24.5 times in a row, and then she will call the police.

6. I can’t share bathrooms. Minus a joint shower, if I’m in the bathroom you are not in there, especially if I am washing my face. Someone watching me or talking to me while I wash my face will cause me to become violent.

7. The smell of coffee before noon actually makes me become nauseated. I can’t deal with it.

8. I will buy you a new tooth brush about  every 3weeks. Old looking toothbrushes give me hives! I can’t look at them.

9. You can do and bring anything into bed (stop your dirty thoughts) except dirty feet. This is a rule. I like to wash my feet before I go to bed.

A purple spider, Punky Brewster, a tiger, and a ninja turtle all have one thing in common.  These are all things I have been for Halloween.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.  I mean candy, costumes, drinking, and did I mention candy. What’s not to love!  It’s also the only holiday, which isn’t ‘family’ centered, maybe that is why we all love it!

Halloween is like over 200 years old and in my opinion maybe the most over commercialized and marketed holidays.  But more then that Halloween is over sexual.  It could be called “National Slut Day”. 

As Halloween draws upon us, all I see left right in center is slut attire. I was at the drug store buying tissues and cough drops and right next to the checkout were fishnets! (seriously?!)

Halloween is synonymies with cleavage, legs, and frankly sex. And females are mainly to blame (lame!).  Women dress in provocative garments to in most cases draw sexual attention and advances from men. Now I’m not saying anything is wrong with that but I think it’s gone a little far.  (this is where all my male readers which is about 90% of you chime in and say “hell no it hasn’t gone to far!”)

Halloween offers the opportunity to dress as anything at all and in true spirit dress as you something you really want to be.  Now I don’t know about you but I sure wasn’t telling everyone growing up in my sexy-school girl uniform that I wanted to be a prostitute.

I have never really dressed ‘sluty’ on Halloween so I can’t really judge can I.  In fact the costume I plan on wearing tomorrow is maybe my most sexy to date. And it’s not even that risky. In fact I traveled to many of the pop-up costume stores this city is filled with at this time in search of ‘additions’ to my costume. 

SIDEBR:  While at the costume store I over heard one girl tell her friend she should go as a prostitute because guys stick money in your boobs all night so it’s a win win!  (my eyes rolled, and I am rolling them again)

My costume this year needed alittle extra, and by little extra I mean 2-3 inches.  See in the spirit of National Slut day ever costume sold for women pretty much sits on your ass.  I mean maybe if you are a size 0 with no ass these lengths are appropriate but I grew up with my mother, who as soon as something went over the knee she raised a silently judging eyebrow.

StoreWorker:  Need help?

Me:  No I’m just looking for something, thank you.

StroreWorker:  Something in mind?

Me: Well, yeah actually I need something this colour or to match this.  (pulling out costume from my bag)

StoreWorker:  Are you looking for the same one? What’s wrong wit this one?

Me: It’s too short I need to add material to the bottom. Add more skirt.

StoreWorker: WHY?! 

Me: (laughing) It’s too short.

StoreWorker:  That’s how you get us guys to notice you. It’s sexy. You ain’t picking up if you ain’t showing leg.

Me: Honey, I was covered from head to toe and then some last year and I still had sex in the bar bathroom with a hot sailor. 

StoreWorker: (silent) Damn Girl!

It’s not about what you wear, it’s about how you wear it.  It’s about being confident in your own body, and I guess if most of us need that little “it’s ok it’s a holiday” excuse then I’m all for it.  Just make sure you have the confidence before you go throwing a mask over it. So embrace your sexy self and put on a costume or don’t it doesn’t matter. Just be comfortable in you, and the rest will fall into place.

MamaPlums advise for Halloween this year: “Play safe with others, and don’t accept candy or other ‘goodies’ from homeless men on the street. Oh and wear a hat you’re going to have cold weather”

PapaPlum left me a voice mail the other night with the following costume recommendation:  “You should go as someone who HAS received their flu shot. Hint hint.” (insert his laughter)

FACT: Sexy Sailor and I ‘dated’ for about 5 weeks after Halloween.  I didn’t even remember putting my number in his phone.  But I did…..that’s another story for a much later time.

So a trending topic right now (and lets face it always) is healthcare and all that covers.  I am not here to talk about the issues, tell you my slant on things, or even give an opinion.  I will say at the end of the day I don’t know all that is on the table, in fact people might say I’m actually ‘ignorant’ to the topic, I tend to be so with most political topics.  I think differently then most kids who grew up in a “political” home. I hit a point where I just “stopped listening,” and grew tired of debating long ago. (I get the jest, know how I feel, and move forward)

Now, as we all know I’m not American, and although I do buy health insurance in this country I still have most of my medications sent to me and filled in my homeland. Call it cheaper, call it a travesty in the health care systems, call it whatever you want to. I call it convenient. I don’t have to deal with it. Mama Plum deals with it and sends me wonderful care packages.

I received a wonderful depressing care package from Mama Plum the other day.  I say depressing because it was medication and that’s about it. Oh I think there was a pack of gum thrown in there, but other then that not a typical “care package”

Inside the package was another envelope. My first thought was CASH! YES! But then I notice the note on the outside of the envelope.

“ I just found out that [   ] makes you more fertile. WATCH OUT! BE CAREFUL!  That is the last thing you need to deal with.”

And what was inside the envelopes? Why condoms of course! What else would it have been!?

I think I’ve reached a turning point of sex ‘talks’ with my mother.  I knew it was all going to be down hill from here.