I love my Babcia more then anyone else in this world. My Babcia is my favorite person, and I think she always has been and always will be!  I had the pleasure of two weeks (on and off) with my Babcia while on vacation this past month, and much like my Mama Plum she’s never at a lack of advise when it comes to life, love, and boys!

9 Words of Wisdom from Grandma ‘Babcia’ Plum.

1:  “Men always know what fun is no matter how old they get. Old men are always bad!”  Guys love to get into your pants, and this fact apparently never changes!

2: “If I said so it means I mean!” Respect your elder, that is all.

3: “You won’t really know till you get married when people become normal…..they aren’t normal till marriage, and if it doesn’t work out, oh well you get to try again.”  Sometimes our love lives don’t turn out how we want or how we expected them too. Things changes and more importantly people changes, but life goes on, and you move on too. So “oh well”.

4: “Don’t give away too much Pączki”  A pączki is a like a polish doughnut or pastry. Mama Plum gave the same advice once. There is nothing wrong with giving away a little ‘desert’, but don’t be over indulgent and fill the plate or the other person just might get sick.

5:  “Everything gets split 11 ways”.  Babcia was saying what would happen if she won the big 80million drawing.  And I looked at her and said I think she was miscounting.  This side of my family is very small.  And she explained everyone would get some. So mamaplum and daddydoo wouldn’t share a piece they each got a piece. Same with my cousin (who is technically a step cousin and her husband and baby on the way) “ahh blood doesn’t equal family. Family is family” She’s right family is family, and family can be whoever you want it to be!

6: “As long as he knows how funny you are. You funny! (laughs) Not sure who you get that from? “  When you find someone who loves and appreciates all of you (best and worst quality’s) they are worth holding onto! And laughter really does make all the difference.

7: “Call your mother.”  When people care about you, you sorta have to show that you care back, even if it gets on your nerves.

8: “You are who you are, never what you could have been.  Life throws you all over the place, you just need to be happy” Anyone who has lived 86 years I would assume would think this is true. Life gets turned upside down and no money, royal blood, trinkets or possessions can save you or change that. But when you have family, love, and happiness nothing else matters: you don’t need anything else!

9: “Lets drink to that!” A term she uses often, and pours whatever happens to be infront of her. Life should be celebrated, and cherished. No matter what happens there is always an upside. As the quote she says all the time to me that I steal on a regular bases states: “ It could always be worse” so let’s drink to that!

I wrote once about the things Mama Plum has taught me about sex, love, boys, relationships, and life. She’s always good for a few sweet life tips. So in the spirit of her visit this time here are a few more…..

7 NEW Mama Plum lessons about love, sex, relationships and life.

1. “Life can be great without kids.”  Now I wasn’t sure if she was speaking with a little regret here at first, but after she elaborated she was clear that. Being happy with yourself is the most important thing, and you don’t need things or people (aka children) to be successful, happy or fulfilling in life.  “Be happy in yourself first, and the rest doesn’t really matter.”

2. “Monkey Shines” This new term is now my favorite term to describe sexual acts. The actual term is defined as a mischievous or playful trick or a prank. But my mother uses this term to describe mischievous acts two individuals may get into….with their pants off!

3. “Just make sure he’s nice” My mother is convinced that as long as a guy is “nice” that all other pieces will fall into place. “You haven’t always picked the nicest guys” I’m finally starting to realize what she means by this.

4. “There will always be something” There will always be something about a perspective mate no matter how perfect one may seem. You have to learn to realize that we all have faults, we all have issues, and we all have a history that makes us imperfect. Learning to see our own faults makes it easier to overlook some of those in others.

5. “A guy who appreciates art is a keeper.” I’ve spoke about this before and it really is true.

6. “Make sure he knows how lucky he is.” Being with someone who appreciates you for everything you are and realizes just how special you are is what we all need. Everyone is special and amazing you just need people in your life who realize it too.

7. “Good friends are everything.”  I don’t need to elaborate!

SIDEBAR: I will always have different plans, but I never have a backup plan.

I don’t only do this in work situations, but in what could be called serious life situations. I work out every option I have and makes list of what I am willing to give and take.

FACT: I usually give more then I take.

The place I do this most is in relationships: In the opposite sex.

A friend and I were chatting the other night about how “types” become obsolete at some point, and it becomes about our “give and take” list.  You know those things you are willing to let go. As my friend put it, “He’s probably not going to be tall, blond, and gorgeous.” “But he still might be perfect,” I said in response.

We let things go for things we’ve realized matter to us, or things we’ve found attractive (necessary) in our life.

Mamma Plum once told me we should only have basic standards when looking for a mate, “not violent, no criminal record, respectful of your beliefs, and gainfully employed.” After that she said it’s all give and take.

He might not be tall, but he comes from a good family, or he might be tall, but have bad teeth. Ok that’s a lie; if he has bad teeth I’m having nothing to do with that! (It’s on my standards list…I’m not joking)

So sometimes you have to give and take, and even when most prepaid and you meet the man of your dreams you realize you forgot your business cards at home.

And we made a little video with huge production costs!

So check it out! Post a comment! And tell us what our next Hot Topic should be about!

SIDEBAR: I’m never chewing gum again….and I need some lipstick!

So, about 1 ½ years ago I found myself in the hospital. I guess what happened is my heart rate dropped so low (it runs really low in general, but that’s another story) that I passed out and had a seizure. The seizure part I don’t know about, but all I know was I woke up on the ground with the ambulance guys already around me and my foot hurt. Then I sorta remember being at the hospital and my foot still hurt. My mom showed up two days later to find me hooked up to a million wires in the hospital still crying about how much my foot hurt.

SIDEBAR: I was talking to my roommate when I passed out. I was in the doorway to my room and was holding onto the handle…what we think happened is I pulled the door shut on my way down closing it on my foot.

Mama Plum convinced them to x-ray my foot, which was the size of a baseball, and I couldn’t stand up on, so I would one-legged hop to the bathroom along with all my machines (cause no way in hell is this Plum is using a bed pan!)

X-rays back: They tell me it’s nothing, I just hit it and the swelling will go down in a few days. I spent about 2 months not being able to wear anything but flat shoes (and if you know me that is a travesty) and limping every once and awhile.

Fast-forward about 4 months. I went to the doctors for a check up (a new doctor) and I happen to mention my foot still bothered me now and again. He asked if I wanted to get an x-ray, I said yes.

SIDEBAR: This is the one thing I love about the American health care system. If you’re willing to pay for it you can have it. You can literally walk in be fine and say “ I want a EKG and an MRI done” and as long as you pay they do it.

X-rays back and there plain as day are 3 count them 3 hairline fractures in my right foot, and one which has healed it’s self in a not so hot kind of way!

Now my foot is pretty much better, sorta, well not really. But I get around fine on it, but every once and awhile it hurts. This I notice the most when it is cold outside. Really cold weather, or damp weather affects our joints and bones, and I’m sure if you have any type of injury such as mine you know what I’m talking about (don’t get me started on my knee when it’s raining)

So last night I wake up in pain. I’m alone, cold, and feel like my foot is broken!

My point is broken bones are kind of like broken hearts. They heal sure, but every once and awhile they pop up out of nowhere and cause you alittle pain. And it’s usually those times when you’re all alone in the dark cold room.

Then there are broken hearts like my foot. Little tiny fractures that go un reported because you don’t want to admit that maybe you are really broken hearted. Those heartbreaks that you push off as “meh it just didn’t work out” but really those breaks are the ones that maybe stay with you the most, that cut you the deepest. The ones you are silent about, that eat at you while you lay in bed, cold and alone. (with your foot propped up on a pillow)

I was chatting with my mom last night. She’s very confused by the whole ‘blog thing’. She gets it, but for the life of her can’t figure out why anyone would read it.

“They do realize your challenged, right?”

“Yes, mum”

“Ok, well what do you write about? What could you possibly say?”

“I don’t know… about life and stuff”.

“Ok…as long as you aren’t writing about sex, or putting naked pictures of yourself up on the interneter screen”

“I’d have to having sex to talk about it mum.”

“Don’t say that! I don’t want to know about that. Stop…maybe you can talk about all the nice men you know, rather then all the gommies you always find.”

“Yeah, ok thanks Tips”

“You know I don’t like it when you call me TIPS.”(A mothers sigh to be heard across the country)

Maybe my mom has a point. Not about me being challenged, that’s a whole other point. Mama Plum makes a good point about guys. I have found some real ‘gommies’ out there, and I might have high standards (according to everyone but me) but maybe that is because there are men (guys/boys/whatever) in my life that are so amazing it’s virtually impossible to find someone to compare.

Maybe I should start writing about all the amazing great guys (who I’d never date) I have in my life. Maybe as the year winds down I should think of all the wonderful friends I have, who really are the best (boy)friends one could ever hope for.

SIDEBAR: I had to throw in a little end of the year nostalgia for good measure.

But my mom is maybe the best relationship I have in my life. My family in general is.  They have always been consistent, and reliable, and willing to do anything and everything for me.

I had the most wonderful talk last night with both mamaplum and daddyplum on the phone.  We talked work, friends, life, business, and boys (well my dad did not partake in the talk about boys) I finished up the conversation feeling good about number one: feeling good about me, and confident in me!

I’ve been getting flack from some of you saying I’m starting to write all emotional on you, yeah maybe I am right now, but no worries it’s stopping.

My family does things for me that they probably don’t have to. I’m in my late 20s and every once and awhile my dad will put money on my credit card, my mom still sends me care packages, she offers to fly here to do my laundry and clean and cook for me when I seem stressed, and I know my parents would happily eat soup from a can for months before they let either my brother or I do so.

FACT: My mom asked last night if I was eating healthy I told her I had a salad with chicken for dinner….I ate toast and a pomegranate.

I lied to her not cause she would be mad, but because if I told her that there would be a FreshDirect box of vegetables and good food at my door in the morning.

So how does this transform back to my dating life you may ask? Well it made me think back to a conversation I had with one of my great guy friends ‘AT’. He was thinking of ending a relationship he was about 2 months into.  There were lots of reason (she was crazy….like clock is ticking already had a dress hanging in her closet crazy) but one thing he brought up struck a small cord and made total sense to me.

He said he just couldn’t be with someone that didn’t understand that no matter how financially secure he is in his life; he will never be finically free from his parents.  Now ‘AT’ and I have both had great jobs, made lots of money. But we grew up in households where family is there for you, and not just emotionally and physically.  The girl he was seeing wouldn’t stop bring up that his parents helped with his down payment for his apartment he bought, that they paid for his education, that they talked all the time, and so on.

It’s a small thing, those small comments that really dig at you. Now my parents (and ‘AT’s) don’t shower me with money.  But if I was to ask they would help me, problem has become I don’t really want to ask.

So I need a guy in my life that won’t question, and more importantly won’t judge me for actions at the end of the day I can’t help.  I can’t help that my parents love and support me in everything I do and they show it in ways like money. I love my parents more then anything and anyone, and that is the relationship we have. They will always be there. Guys have come and gone, and will probably continue to do so.  So at the end of the day I guess I’m searching for one who can love me and my family too….oh and I guess also putting up with my mother maybe showing up out of the blue to do his laundry.

So although I’m not too sure on what I say that might drive guys crazy (well except for everything!) I do know that I have a few little ‘quirks’ that may not want a guy to live with me. So let’s kick off the week with these:

9 reasons why a guy probably would never want to live with me.

1. I am pretty sure I’m losing my hair completely. I shed worse then a camel in summer!  Now I clean up the hair (it’s not all over) but I’m pretty sure you will purchase Drano far more then ever before.

2. I own numinous umbrellas. And No you can’t borrow one. You can’t borrow any of them for that matter. I’m serious.

3. I think the magical dry cleaning fairies exists. The Huge dry-cleaning piles must disappear. I will not take/do them.  But I do really enjoy doing laundry. (Speaking of which I really need my mother to come visit and kick those fairies into gear!)

4. Pillows: I like lots of pillows. I also have certain pillows for certain moods. I will beat you if you take my pillow.

5. My mother will phone at least twice a day, and if she gets your number and hasn’t heard from me in 72 hours she will call you an estimated 24.5 times in a row, and then she will call the police.

6. I can’t share bathrooms. Minus a joint shower, if I’m in the bathroom you are not in there, especially if I am washing my face. Someone watching me or talking to me while I wash my face will cause me to become violent.

7. The smell of coffee before noon actually makes me become nauseated. I can’t deal with it.

8. I will buy you a new tooth brush about  every 3weeks. Old looking toothbrushes give me hives! I can’t look at them.

9. You can do and bring anything into bed (stop your dirty thoughts) except dirty feet. This is a rule. I like to wash my feet before I go to bed.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays.  I mean candy, costumes, drinking, and did I mention candy. What’s not to love!  It’s also the only holiday, which isn’t ‘family’ centered, maybe that is why we all love it!

Halloween is like over 200 years old and in my opinion maybe the most over commercialized and marketed holidays.  But more then that Halloween is over sexual.  It could be called “National Slut Day”. 

As Halloween draws upon us, all I see left right in center is slut attire. I was at the drug store buying tissues and cough drops and right next to the checkout were fishnets! (seriously?!)

Halloween is synonymies with cleavage, legs, and frankly sex. And females are mainly to blame (lame!).  Women dress in provocative garments to in most cases draw sexual attention and advances from men. Now I’m not saying anything is wrong with that but I think it’s gone a little far.  (this is where all my male readers which is about 90% of you chime in and say “hell no it hasn’t gone to far!”)

Halloween offers the opportunity to dress as anything at all and in true spirit dress as you something you really want to be.  Now I don’t know about you but I sure wasn’t telling everyone growing up in my sexy-school girl uniform that I wanted to be a prostitute.

I have never really dressed ‘sluty’ on Halloween so I can’t really judge can I.  In fact the costume I plan on wearing tomorrow is maybe my most sexy to date. And it’s not even that risky. In fact I traveled to many of the pop-up costume stores this city is filled with at this time in search of ‘additions’ to my costume. 

SIDEBR:  While at the costume store I over heard one girl tell her friend she should go as a prostitute because guys stick money in your boobs all night so it’s a win win!  (my eyes rolled, and I am rolling them again)

My costume this year needed alittle extra, and by little extra I mean 2-3 inches.  See in the spirit of National Slut day ever costume sold for women pretty much sits on your ass.  I mean maybe if you are a size 0 with no ass these lengths are appropriate but I grew up with my mother, who as soon as something went over the knee she raised a silently judging eyebrow.

StoreWorker:  Need help?

Me:  No I’m just looking for something, thank you.

StroreWorker:  Something in mind?

Me: Well, yeah actually I need something this colour or to match this.  (pulling out costume from my bag)

StoreWorker:  Are you looking for the same one? What’s wrong wit this one?

Me: It’s too short I need to add material to the bottom. Add more skirt.

StoreWorker: WHY?! 

Me: (laughing) It’s too short.

StoreWorker:  That’s how you get us guys to notice you. It’s sexy. You ain’t picking up if you ain’t showing leg.

Me: Honey, I was covered from head to toe and then some last year and I still had sex in the bar bathroom with a hot sailor. 

StoreWorker: (silent) Damn Girl!

It’s not about what you wear, it’s about how you wear it.  It’s about being confident in your own body, and I guess if most of us need that little “it’s ok it’s a holiday” excuse then I’m all for it.  Just make sure you have the confidence before you go throwing a mask over it. So embrace your sexy self and put on a costume or don’t it doesn’t matter. Just be comfortable in you, and the rest will fall into place.

MamaPlums advise for Halloween this year: “Play safe with others, and don’t accept candy or other ‘goodies’ from homeless men on the street. Oh and wear a hat you’re going to have cold weather”

PapaPlum left me a voice mail the other night with the following costume recommendation:  “You should go as someone who HAS received their flu shot. Hint hint.” (insert his laughter)

FACT: Sexy Sailor and I ‘dated’ for about 5 weeks after Halloween.  I didn’t even remember putting my number in his phone.  But I did…..that’s another story for a much later time.

Now, as we all know I’m not American, and although I do buy health insurance in this country I still have most of my medications sent to me and filled in my homeland. Call it cheaper, call it a travesty in the health care systems, call it whatever you want to. I call it convenient. I don’t have to deal with it. Mama Plum deals with it and sends me wonderful care packages.

I received a wonderful depressing care package from Mama Plum the other day.  I say depressing because it was medication and that’s about it. Oh I think there was a pack of gum thrown in there, but other then that not a typical “care package”

Inside the package was another envelope. My first thought was CASH! YES! But then I notice the note on the outside of the envelope.

“ I just found out that [   ] makes you more fertile. WATCH OUT! BE CAREFUL!  That is the last thing you need to deal with.”

And what was inside the envelopes? Why condoms of course! What else would it have been!?

I think I’ve reached a turning point of sex ‘talks’ with my mother.  I knew it was all going to be down hill from here.