The Lost Plum…

My lovelies Nando and Nate and I were discussing the topic of turn-offs in bed a few months back.

My answer was basically “if you have to ask if I enjoyed it, I probably didn’t.

But it got me thinking about all my bedroom turnoffs. So in the only way I know how to approach these things, here is a list of just a few….

The Times I’ve Been Most Turned Off In Bed:

1. Exactly what is said above. Every time that question has been asked in bed it is pretty much been bad. But one time in particular sticks out the most. Let me just say, I didn’t even know we had started and he had already finished and was very prod of the fact he just may have blown my mind. Trust me if it’s good for me you will know!

2. We were laying there after the fact, maybe like 5 minutes or so. Actually scratch that, like less then a minute, he had just rolled over then he lifted his leg and farted. (This was the first time we had sex….and the last)

3. “Am I big?” Honey if you have to ask it isn’t big. Also if you draw my attention to it in that context, that is all I’m going to be thinking about the entire time as I compare you to every other one I’ve seen in my head.

4. Showering right after, and I mean right after! Is my sex sweat that gross that it can’t be on you for more then 5minutes?

5. Being told to leave right after. A lady always asks if you’d like to say, and a gentleman always invites one to stay. If you don’t invite me I’m leaving don’t worry. You don’t have to point to the door before I’ve even found my bra.

6. The fluid motion of removing clothing and putting on a condom. Some guys are pros at this. I truly believe someone teaches a class on it! I’m always in awe and shock and kind of discuss of this ability. They are undressed and protected in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t getting up and going anywhere, hold your horses for like 2minutes at least.

7. Do not; I repeat do not push my head down towards your region. I’m already making my way down there. You shoving my head down makes me not only want to Not do it, but do it with teeth!

8. Pinning me down and sweating all over me. Now I’m not saying you can’t pin me down. But if your a massive head and face sweater and I can’t move, I’m spending less time thinking about the moment and more time trying to not chock and be blinded by the salty waterfall pouring down on me!

I’ve been told this before many times:  He’s just scared at how fast and much he’s fallen for you. (or something along those lines) He’s scared it’s getting to serious.

I think I might hold the record for times a guy who seems all interested in me out of the blue say: “I’m not looking for a serious relationship, ok?!”

In fact if I don’t hear that on the third date, I start to think my hearing is going.

My reply is always the same: “OK. No one said anything about a serious relationship here.”

And I truly mean that!

I’ve been thinking about this lately. What is it about me? About my personality that makes me come off as this relationship hungry girl.  When I’m actually farthest from that. Am I too nice? Too interested, to giving? What is it?! I seriously want to know!

Do I like the idea of being in a relationship? Sure, who doesn’t? They are comfortable, wonderful, and safe, but then again full of so many issues.

A nice steady casual relationship I’ll take any day. A call me your girlfriend, move in together and let’s have babies relationship…..well frankly they scare me.

So the question is, is it me?

Do I scream, “date me, love me, marry me”, or is it just a precaution that all men take.

Are they scared of ‘us’ the scary relationship hungry females? ‘Us’ with our bridesmaids picked out since we were 10 yearsold, our eggs in the freezer, and wedding dresses we got on sale in the closet.  Do all guys see us (women) as THOSE types?

Dear lord do I come off as that type?!

Sure the idea of a woman with her ticking time bomb ovaries and dreams of the perfect wedding dress might be scary. Sure. I can see that. I meet a boy once who knew exactly how and what time of the year he wanted to get married. Scared the living poo out of me!

The word “fast” and “plans” and “future” are scary in any context at any age!

But little old me, scaring guys away. Making them think I’m all ready to settle down, writing out my name with his last name, and picking out baby names….ME? Really?!

This little plum is scared and jaded on her own. I don’t need your insecurities of whether or not I’m a spring or fall wedding person, or am feeling out your family cancer and disease history.

I’m ok with a non serious relationship, not cause calling me your girlfriend scares me, or moving in scares me, or weddings scare me, or monogamy scares me, or even babies scare me. Ok having a baby fucking scares the bejeezus of me! The are big and my hoo-ha isn’t that big.

I’ve had some wonderful beautiful real serious relationships. And the thought of repeating their faults is what scares me. Because my list of what scares me in “him” and in our maybe “serious relationship” is far more meaty then his fear of a seeing me in a wedding dress, or god forbid us putting a label each other.  It’s perfectly normal for guys to go on and on about how they don’t want anything serious, they aren’t ready for something serious. But, I as a female say that and something is either wrong with me, I’m a slut, or I’m lying.  But like I said my fears about making something serious stand on their own. (but then again maybe guys have their own list too, maybe)

I fear:

- him having sex with one of my best friends behind my back (again)

- him dumping me after 4 years cause he’s getting married in 6 months (again)

- him slapping me across the face and throwing me against walls (again)

- being cheated on (again, and again, and again)

- being told I’ll never be good enough for him (again)

- falling in love and having him die on me (again)

I went and saw the Valentine’s Day movie with the ever-amazing Nando a few weeks back. And we saw alot of things that day/night, some that I may tell, and some which I may want to forget. It was a night to remember that is for sure!

Anyways about 2 rows in front of us was a couple. I think we both rolled our eyes at the ridiculousness that was this chick to our selves, and then she opened her mouth, Nando and I turned to each other and together sighed “oh my god!”

And thus one of my many lists had to be born. The chick in question although she does not deserve it, is number one.

7 types of Girls who have boyfriends, and probably don’t deserve them (in my humble plum opinion).

1. Girlfriend in movie theatre who talks about how great the Sex in the City 2 trailer was because her boyfriend missed it while buying her popcorn. And then discusses her favorite Friends episode while the Jennifer Aniston trailer is playing.

2. The girlfriend that looks more like a boyfriend. Her body ain’t bad and her fake tits are a sight to be seen but honey I’m pretty sure she has an atoms apple larger then an actual apple. Look up the statistics of how many babies are born with attributes of both sexes and their parents pick the sex. Then realize that about 80% of those parents pick female. That’s a whole lota ugly chicks running around. Digest that for a minute!

3. Your girlfriend in the pink flannel PJ pants with martin glasses and lips all over them. If she’s leaving the house dressed like that now (even if it’s just to run to the store) just think how she’ll be dressed once she pops out a few kids.

4. Chicks who wear thongs and only thongs ever. Not cause it’s wrong but because I just hate those skinny bitches!

5. Girl at the bar during the game who keeps jumping on her boyfriends lap during key plays and talking about ‘girly’ stuff while eating her salad with a glass of water.  Bitch there’s a game on!

6. Girls who buy their guys matching outfits. Are you serious right now? It’s one thing if you match with you best gay for a night at the gay bar, or your little ugly dog, but other then that you should never plan to dress like a guy.

7. Any girl who changes any guy. No matter what she says or thinks. You my guy friend are wonderful in your own special way.

A while back I wrote about qualities that my next ex-boyfriend should process. All these were good things; I just have to find him right?!  Well like everyone I’m sure my next ex-boyfriend has a list of qualities his next ex-girlfriend should have. So I thought I’d make it alittle easier for him.

13 reasons why I’ll make a great next ex-girlfriend.

1. I love to bake. And I need someone to eat my creations. Baking relives stress for me. I think because it’s so methodical and precise, and my life tends not to be that way. So if a boy loves pie and pudding, I’m his girl.

2. I’m a terrible liar. I turn red, I fumble my words, and if asked in a serious tone I’ve been known to tell secrets. I’ve never spilled anything people have told me in confidence, but if it’s about someone I maybe when confronted tell. I’ve been to many a surprise party I didn’t even know where parties because I can’t lie if confronted.

3. I shower daily, if not more, and brush and floss more then I should. How is that not a desirable quality?

4. I’m exotic. And if you don’t think that is true you’ve never experienced a Canadian Shield winter or summer mosquitoes that can suck a baby dry.

5. I am close to my family (ok sometimes alittle too close, but not in a creepy Morgan Freeman way) and they mean the world to me.

6. I’ve had the emotional abusive, verbally abusive, and sometimes physically abusive boyfriends. If you’re nice to me I’m pretty much head over heels already.

7. I love sex. Nough said.

8. I have so many amazing groups of friends. You can’t not love at least 10 of them, and no matter what happens with us, they are all great at being diplomatic and guarantee they’ll still love you after I don’t.

9. I love watching sports, on TV and from the stands. And if throw wings and beer into that mix I’m even more fun.

10. I have a nice rack. There I said it.

11. I believe in equality for all. And if you don’t you can just move on RIGHT now. (me and my blog don’t want you here)

12. I’m always up for an adventure. Name it, I’m probably game!

13. I make lists. They will make your life more productive, and if nothing less interesting and they create things to discuss.

Yeah, ok, I’m falling down on my knees (or at my keyboard) and doing the whole New Year Post.  Here we go….

So it’s 2010. Or better known as twenty-ten. So here is the thing, I think these years should be known as “the 20s”  (ie. just like the 1920, maybe better, maybe worse, but with skimpier swimwear)

So this is the dawn of our 20s! I mean who didn’t like (or is still liking) their 20s?  Come on! I think this is the best way for us to be excited about the years to come. Maybe it’s me not wanting to get older, and maybe sometimes forgetting I’m not 23 anymore. Or maybe it’s me just being crazy as usual.  But the 20s, my 20s (which technically I’m still working my way through) were pretty good. Pretty exciting, and thus, why not look at 20-10 as 2-0, aka 20! Year 20!

SIDEBAR: 2011 will be 21, 2012 will be 22, and so on…. Get it? You sure? Ok, good!

So as I look into 2010, I hope it is half as good as when I was 20.

WHEN I WAS 20:

-       I was just over 40 pounds lighter then I am now.

-       I was in love. (or thought I was)

-       I traveled Europe.

-       I had my first Gin & Tonic.

-       I was working hard, studying hard, and parting hard.

-       I got my first real ‘grown up’ job.

-       I pulled my first 4nighter (no sleep for 4 days)

-       I danced all the time.

-       I discovered avocado.

-       I got to see my dad almost every month, as he would travel to conferences near where I went to school.

-       I had great friends that I knew know matter what were there for me.

-       I laughed really hard.

-       I experimented in all sorts of maybe not so good things.

-       I drove ½ way across country on my own.

-       I started to explore and feed my love of cheese.

-       I was smoking (NOT good, but at the time it was oh soo good)

-       I saved a friends life.