The Lost Plum…

Every year around this time I get asked the same thing. What are you doing for your birthday? I always answer with an “I don’t know,” and an “ I don’t really like birthdays”

People always inform me that they too don’t like birthdays and that infact no one likes getting older. In fact everyone always assumes it’s a “getting older” thing I dislike about birthdays. That that’s why I’m not out wanting to party it up with huge big exciting plans, as I guess people expect me to do.

And then when people push as to why I hate birthdays I get flustered and close up. Cause fact of the matter is I don’t dislike getting older. Although being one year closer to 30 (the last year before 30 I might add) is a little nerve racking, and I do feel like I’m getting old. It however, is not the issue.

I just don’t have good luck or good experiences when it comes to my birthday. And I guess I just project that out there, that I assume since I’ve had so many terrible birthdays that this will just continue to happen.

Now I’m talking birthdays in resent (in my 20s) memory.  My birthdays when I was younger were pretty awesome. I had rocking birthday parties as a child that still has people talking.  However as I approached and grew into my 20s the just seemed to go down hill.

I lost my virginity on my birthday and it wasn’t anything exciting.

I was in a bad car accident on my birthday.

I’ve had 3 very important people in my life die on my birthday, and 2 right near my birthday.

A Psychic told me on I wouldn’t live much past 25 the day before I turned 25.

I’ve walked in on my boyfriend at the time with another girl the day of my birthday.

I had everyone and I mean EVERYONE forget my 21^st birthday. (my parents, my boyfriend at the time, and my friends)

and so on….

Last year for the first time in a long time since moving to this city I surface from my room.  In a “hey I’ll be out at this bar if you happen to want to show” fashion I let friends know I’d be out. I ended up getting drunker then I can ever recall and maybe dying my friends sink pick from all the cupcake frosting I puked up in his sink. It was bad news. Cause although I had a nice time with some friends, I spent the entire time alittle uncomfortable. To many people and unknown intensions.  Did people really want to celebrate my birthday or just celebrate?

The thing is I think we all have ideals of perfect outings, gatherings, dates, and or experiences.  We want to feel loved, appreciated, and special on a certain occasion: this being my birthday.   You hear people say all the time that events are better when you’re in a relationship, that unless you have one special person to celebrate with then it’s just not as good.

I think I can admit that yes for once I’d love to have a day, this being my birthday where I am in a relationship with someone who truly cares about me and wants to make me feel special.  Wouldn’t that be nice?

I’ve never really had a boyfriend or guy I was involved with recognize or to be honest remember my birthday (unless you go back to the virginity story). I’ve never had a guy say this day is about you and let’s actually make it about you.

I was thinking about this last night. Thinking about how maybe one day someone will embrace me on the day my parents first embraced me, and maybe I’ll start to like getting older.

Here’s to Friday being just another year like all the rest…..

So every Sunday I give you a taste from the  four plus notebooks I have filled with bad pick up lines that men have actually used on me.

Let’s face it we all find ourselves in situations with the opposite sex (and same sex) that are less than ideal.  The retched being picked up or should I say attempt at being picked up is always a circumstance I dread.  However, after years of practice I’ve found some interesting and straight up nasty ways of getting that man who has attached himself to me to leave.

SIDEBAR:  Those who know me are always shocked when I pull these out of the bag of tricks, because I’m always the nice one who will politely talk to the creepy boy and make a nice and descent exit, however, sometimes you can’t hold back.

6 Excuses I have used to get out of talking to a guy (or ways to get him to leave you alone!)

1.  When he asks you what kind of drink you want and insists he buys you one even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want one you come up with a disgusting drink concoction. This concoction should include two types of alcohol and orange soda if possible.  My personal favorite is Jamison, Greygoose, orange soda, and bitters.  When he asks if it’s good you say: “ No, but it gets me angry drunk, and that’s what I’m going for tonight!

2. Put a ring on it!  Yes girls do take rings off their other fingers turn them around and make them look like wedding rings so they can tell guys they are married. However, this doesn’t always work, but when you tell him you are married, make sure you say it’s to a woman.  Guys are fascinated by lesbians, but for some reason they get turned off by married lesbians.

3. Pretend you are deaf.  This only works when you are alone, and not sitting with headphones on.  I have on more than one occasion pretended I couldn’t hear on the subway when some creepy man has started to talk to me. I also do a great ‘deaf speak’ of “ I can’t hear” with the sign language followed by a smile and a look away.  This should not be confused with not speaking English. Guys get turned on by the idea of you not speaking English, but no one wants to be the creep hitting on the deaf girl.

4.  When at a bar ask the guy if he came with any female friends. When he asks why, or says yes. Ask if he thinks they might have a tampon cause you’re bleeding through them like crazy. They run faster than Moses parted the red sea.

5.  Start to dry heave and excuse yourself. Only at a small house party gathering will you maybe encounter the guy who will follow you and want to hold your hair, otherwise they’re done with you. Starting to pick your nose also works very well, as long as you get right up in there.

6. When they ask for your number say it’s better if they give you theirs because you wont be availed for a while. Tell them your doctors says you shouldn’t be having sex until 5 days after this cycle of medication you’re on is finished.

So here’s another post where I talk about the fact that I haven’t been writing everyday and I’m sorry. Except that’s not all true. I have been writing, in fact I’ve been writing a lot. I just haven’t been posting.

I’ve been writing blog posts, I’ve been working on a book, and I finished my screenplay (well it might need a few editing’s) I just haven’t posted anything.

I’ve been in a funk. Which then got worse, and seemed to spiral. I’ve been feeling for lack of a better word LOST. But maybe I’m just scared, and maybe for one of the first times ever alittle self conscious about my blogging…..and maybe about myself.

I’m not in a work funk or a social funk, and I am far from a dating/love life funk, I’m just sorta in a funk about blogging….a funk about this information super highway where we all put our words out there.

So in true Lost Plum fashion as I pull myself out of this funk (I’ve got so many hot and exciting things to help with that!)

I decided to make a list.

6 Things I love about this Blog.

1. The Layout and Design. I like things that look clean and aren’t full of jumbled up crap. It flows nicely, has nice white spacing, and isn’t hard on the eyes (much like yours truly)

2. The ability to vent, share, and let my creative voice flow. Having an outlet that doesn’t talk back (except for in the comments) is a nice release.

3. My new found friendships and readers. I love my twitter friends, my  blog readers, my commenter’s, the people that engage with me, and even the haters. Every single one of you (them) in every single way. Even if you judge me that’s ok, just know I don’t judge you back, I’m just happy to have you.

4. The amazing emails I get. There are tons, and I really do try to get back to all of them, I really do.  Even the hate mail I read and see the “good” in doing so. I love the perspective all the comments and questions bring to my life.

5. My little avatar/header/photo/ME.  The picture reminds me of good great friends! And reminds me of great times in my life. It makes me smile, smirk and tip my glasses while I raise my eyebrow.

6. That no matter what I can add even something silly like this to the pile and it gets me out of a certain funk…..at somewhat.

Mama Plum came to visit with me this past week and then some. She ended up having to leave early and you’d think I’d jump for joy about that, but fact is I kind of miss her…..

I wrote once about the things Mama Plum has taught me about sex, love, boys, relationships, and life. She’s always good for a few sweet life tips. So in the spirit of her visit this time here are a few more…..

7 NEW Mama Plum lessons about love, sex, relationships and life.

1. “Life can be great without kids.”  Now I wasn’t sure if she was speaking with a little regret here at first, but after she elaborated she was clear that. Being happy with yourself is the most important thing, and you don’t need things or people (aka children) to be successful, happy or fulfilling in life.  “Be happy in yourself first, and the rest doesn’t really matter.”

2. “Monkey Shines” This new term is now my favorite term to describe sexual acts. The actual term is defined as a mischievous or playful trick or a prank. But my mother uses this term to describe mischievous acts two individuals may get into….with their pants off!

3. “Just make sure he’s nice” My mother is convinced that as long as a guy is “nice” that all other pieces will fall into place. “You haven’t always picked the nicest guys” I’m finally starting to realize what she means by this.

4. “There will always be something” There will always be something about a perspective mate no matter how perfect one may seem. You have to learn to realize that we all have faults, we all have issues, and we all have a history that makes us imperfect. Learning to see our own faults makes it easier to overlook some of those in others.

5. “A guy who appreciates art is a keeper.” I’ve spoke about this before and it really is true.

6. “Make sure he knows how lucky he is.” Being with someone who appreciates you for everything you are and realizes just how special you are is what we all need. Everyone is special and amazing you just need people in your life who realize it too.

7. “Good friends are everything.”  I don’t need to elaborate!

So I talk about guys I’ve dated on here alot. Actually, that’s not really the whole truth. I mostly make fun of boys I meet and situations I get myself into.

A good old friend of mine where skyping the other night and he referenced this post, where I talk about what things I wish a boyfriend would do/things I’ve never had a boyfriend do. And he went on about how I’ve had some pretty amazing guys do some pretty amazing and impressive things for me. So in a fashion of writing I love here is a list.

9 Amazing things about the guys I’ve dated.

1. Every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with was self-sufficient and employed. (Believe me this is a nice thing)

2. I have not only a nice jewelry collection but also a very very impressive one. It’s very nice and very shinny.

3. I’ve had two award winning songs, and countless nominated songs (and even more regular ones) written about me. Now not all are good, but it’s the thought that counts right!

4. I have been taken on trips to amazing locations/place all over the world and meet amazing people.

5. I’ve always been with guys that love and appreciate food. This has satisfied me in many ways.

6. I believe every guy I have dated (except for ‘first guy’) has believed in me, my ideas, my goals, and my ideals.

7. I’ve dated boys who appreciate my humor. And most importantly they laugh at my jokes, and with me. Ok and alot of times at me!

8. They have put up with me. And although I’m told that is easy, I can’t stop thinking that it can’t be THAT easy.

9. Regardless of what I say they were all very special in their own ways. And I owe who I am right now to every single one of them…..and ME is pretty great!