The Lost Plum…

So every Sunday I give you a taste from the  four plus notebooks I have filled with bad pick up lines that men have actually used on me.

Let’s face it we all find ourselves in situations with the opposite sex (and same sex) that are less than ideal.  The retched being picked up or should I say attempt at being picked up is always a circumstance I dread.  However, after years of practice I’ve found some interesting and straight up nasty ways of getting that man who has attached himself to me to leave.

SIDEBAR:  Those who know me are always shocked when I pull these out of the bag of tricks, because I’m always the nice one who will politely talk to the creepy boy and make a nice and descent exit, however, sometimes you can’t hold back.

6 Excuses I have used to get out of talking to a guy (or ways to get him to leave you alone!)

1.  When he asks you what kind of drink you want and insists he buys you one even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want one you come up with a disgusting drink concoction. This concoction should include two types of alcohol and orange soda if possible.  My personal favorite is Jamison, Greygoose, orange soda, and bitters.  When he asks if it’s good you say: “ No, but it gets me angry drunk, and that’s what I’m going for tonight!

2. Put a ring on it!  Yes girls do take rings off their other fingers turn them around and make them look like wedding rings so they can tell guys they are married. However, this doesn’t always work, but when you tell him you are married, make sure you say it’s to a woman.  Guys are fascinated by lesbians, but for some reason they get turned off by married lesbians.

3. Pretend you are deaf.  This only works when you are alone, and not sitting with headphones on.  I have on more than one occasion pretended I couldn’t hear on the subway when some creepy man has started to talk to me. I also do a great ‘deaf speak’ of “ I can’t hear” with the sign language followed by a smile and a look away.  This should not be confused with not speaking English. Guys get turned on by the idea of you not speaking English, but no one wants to be the creep hitting on the deaf girl.

4.  When at a bar ask the guy if he came with any female friends. When he asks why, or says yes. Ask if he thinks they might have a tampon cause you’re bleeding through them like crazy. They run faster than Moses parted the red sea.

5.  Start to dry heave and excuse yourself. Only at a small house party gathering will you maybe encounter the guy who will follow you and want to hold your hair, otherwise they’re done with you. Starting to pick your nose also works very well, as long as you get right up in there.

6. When they ask for your number say it’s better if they give you theirs because you wont be availed for a while. Tell them your doctors says you shouldn’t be having sex until 5 days after this cycle of medication you’re on is finished.

Mama Plum came to visit with me this past week and then some. She ended up having to leave early and you’d think I’d jump for joy about that, but fact is I kind of miss her…..

I wrote once about the things Mama Plum has taught me about sex, love, boys, relationships, and life. She’s always good for a few sweet life tips. So in the spirit of her visit this time here are a few more…..

7 NEW Mama Plum lessons about love, sex, relationships and life.

1. “Life can be great without kids.”  Now I wasn’t sure if she was speaking with a little regret here at first, but after she elaborated she was clear that. Being happy with yourself is the most important thing, and you don’t need things or people (aka children) to be successful, happy or fulfilling in life.  “Be happy in yourself first, and the rest doesn’t really matter.”

2. “Monkey Shines” This new term is now my favorite term to describe sexual acts. The actual term is defined as a mischievous or playful trick or a prank. But my mother uses this term to describe mischievous acts two individuals may get into….with their pants off!

3. “Just make sure he’s nice” My mother is convinced that as long as a guy is “nice” that all other pieces will fall into place. “You haven’t always picked the nicest guys” I’m finally starting to realize what she means by this.

4. “There will always be something” There will always be something about a perspective mate no matter how perfect one may seem. You have to learn to realize that we all have faults, we all have issues, and we all have a history that makes us imperfect. Learning to see our own faults makes it easier to overlook some of those in others.

5. “A guy who appreciates art is a keeper.” I’ve spoke about this before and it really is true.

6. “Make sure he knows how lucky he is.” Being with someone who appreciates you for everything you are and realizes just how special you are is what we all need. Everyone is special and amazing you just need people in your life who realize it too.

7. “Good friends are everything.”  I don’t need to elaborate!

I’m going way back to Dating Boot Camp today.  Remember that?

Anyways, Man Panel was asked a question that I keep thinking about. They were asked. What colour nail polish they prefer women to wear. Red, Black or no nail polish: All but one said NO nail polish.

Really? First off let’s point out this is New York City, the city where there just might be more places to get a manni peddi then get a Starbucks. So saying you prefer a woman with no nail polish is like finding a woman without hair.

Here is my thought.  Guys (and these man panel guys) LIKE girls in nail polish. Any colour nail polish.

They just don’t like THEIR girl in nail polish.

Boys love girls in sexy nail colours, just like they like girls in short skirts, with makeup and their hair did.  But take “their girl” and do her up and regardless of the relationship, they get a tad bit jealous. Just as women get jealous when their man is all dressed sexy and having women fawning all over them.

Nail polish is to show you off, and to make you appear sexual, hence why your man may not want you to wear it.

But saying you prefer all women to not wear nail polish is just a stupid excuse for not saying you don’t want “your lady to appear sexual to others”

So that is that.

I’ve been thinking about High School alot lately. Not cause I miss it (well sometimes I do lets be honest) and not cause I want to tell you about some High School crush. (Oh my high school crush is so cute, I want to facebook stalk him all day) I been thinking more of the “idea” and more so the term “High School”.

It’s been coming up in discussions I’ve been having alot. And I was talking to one of my friends about it the other day and I have a theory.

But I guess we need alittle back-story, alittle “meat” persay.

This really good friend ended a relationship a while ago. Since then my friend has had hardships when it comes to behavior on the other persons end, especially when it comes to third parties. The ex doesn’t tell them about specific things but basically makes it hard for them to be friends with each of them. Ex basically says that “friend” is dead to them, but if you want to be friends with such a person that ok. Yes the picking sides argument. “What are we in High School!?”

Now to be fair I had a situation like this once. An ex and I shared an entire close group of friends and we broke up, and something along the lines of the following took place:

Plum: It’s not about picking sides.

Him: Well they all like me better!

Plum: Whatever, they were my friends first.

(And so on)

Again I say “What are we in High School?” But at that time yeah pretty much so. I technically was only a year or two out of High School. (But that does not make the above conversation expectable…or does it?)

So lets bring it back to today, and my friend, and my theory.

See here is the thing. My friend is older then I am. My friend has past 35 further then I am close to 35. And the thing is most people I meet that I want to shake and scream “what are you in high school!?” Are older then I am. By at least 10 years minimum.

So my theory, ready? These people are living the drama of High School and they love it! They love being apart of the ‘High School’ drama because it is actually for the first time present in their lives. And that excites them!

For the first time they have people to be petty with, have people to talk about behind their backs, get to fight over what to wear, who to date, and who said what about whom. It’s the first time for all these people to in a sense be (dare I say it) COOL!

See the rest of us who look at these 35-40-45+ year olds and want to look them dead in the eye and ask why on earth they want to be in High School should actual just turn around and not judge and let this phase pass.

It’s actually kind of sad. Cause while the rest of us are over those petty stupid drama games we have the right to be. We lived it when we were in High School.

But there were those that didn’t.

So let’s let them have there High School drama temper tantrums and bitch fits, and 16 yearold breakups. Let them get it all out and maybe then they can grow up like the rest of us and realize their behavior is all alittle too “high school”

Because let’s be honest. We all couldn’t have been the Prom Queen who ran student council, did 6 other extra curricular, and dated the hot older Varsity captain, now can we! Some of us were cool in high school and now we’re over it. And then some of us I guess are just getting “cool” now and maybe just maybe they’ll get over it.

It just sucks that we can’t all be grownup in the world of relationships and date like we’re all 16 years old again.

I was having a facebook chat session with pretty much my favorite man in the world, “Steve”.

And he ended the chat with a statement, a pleasantry, a signature, a farewell, that for once didn’t bother me but that’s cause it fit the conversation we were having.

I hate, loath, cringe when I see or hear the following:

“Ciao”

Seriously, ciao?!

You are picking that to end this conversation?

Ciao!?

* shakes fist at the screen *

I will refuse to contact/reply to guys who put this in their first contact email on any online dating site, or first email/text/call/ask to ask me out. I may stop talking to friends for a minimum of a week if they use it, and have even flat out called people out on it…./slash/ gone ape shit on them.

I don’t know why. But I do know that I find nothing about this word appealing, romantic or ‘international’.  It’s just stupid!

Do not ever try to date me if you like using this as your signature on an email, a chat session, or even worse you actually say it to people.

Unless you are Italian (like it’s spoken in your home as a 1st language or you are from there) OR we are actually IN Italy, do not I repeat DO NOT end with a  ”ciao” at me!

Ok that is all.

FACT: ‘Steve’ and I were discussing pros and cons of different hotels in Rome for an upcoming trip. Thus it was appropriate.