The Lost Plum…

I got an email late last night from one of my readers, or maybe a passer by, who knows. And I thought I needed to address this email in the open, to everyone. Not for any specific reason, just cause I feel like it. My answer is something I tell people often when I discuss this blog and my dating/sex/relationship status and practices. However, I realized that I don’t know most of you so I should let you know as well.

FACT: Just because you email me doesn’t mean I will respond to it out in the open. Although, it maybe time for one of these posts again.

Her email included the following:

“You don’t date and write about it like other sex and dating blog people. Are you dating someone and just not talking about it? Are you just not interested in dating? What is up with you in terms of your dating life? You just write so different then the other women dating bloggers I read in the city…”

Well….. first and foremost I want to say:

Thank you!

I read most of the other “dating” blogs here in the city, and even outside of the city. I even socialize with a few other writers. I like most everyone out there but I am happy that you find me different, so thank you. I never went in to blogging (this blog or any other) wanting to emulate anyone, or be like someone else.

SIDEBAR: I’ll be honest there are a very small handful of bloggers I don’t like. I don’t like what they write, how they write, how they interact with others, what their blog design looks like, and some I don’t like as people (and like almost everyone!). And frankly I’m sure lots don’t like me (And I could care less)!

I am glad you find me different even if it’s hinted as not a good thing.

I never really categories myself as a “dating/relationship/sex” blogger, although I guess that is where I fit.

I like to tell people “I write about me. I just happen to meets lots of boys….so I guess I write about boys”

I am far from an expert at dating or relationships. And would never claim to be. I have no advanced degrees in psychology or anything in the like. (although, I do have a very large education resume) Many may claim age and experience give them their “cred” but I simple disagree. So I don’t give advice and should probably add a “don’t try this at home” section to my legal statement at the bottom of this page.

Here is the main thing and my main point: I don’t date to write.

Frankly some people out there do. I find it ridiculous. What’s the fun in that?! It takes something fun and interesting: dating and love and sex and all that jazz, and makes it work. Not my goal, not my way, not my vibe.

I’m not going to bore you about every little detail of every date I go on, right down to where we went and what we ate. Who cares?!

I am not going to bore you with tales of endlessly spending night inside weeding through online profiles in hopes to make a connection just so I can write about it. And even if I did tell you of my fishing expeditions it would end up more like this post.

I’m not going to write about every cute and interesting boy I meet. Hell I’d be writing forever!

I mean maybe me never talking about my at the moment/in the moment dating and sex life makes me look desperate or pathetic in some way. Or just seem like a big loser, but I tend to think of it the other way.

I tell you stories I want to, I like to laugh at my self, and hopefully I make you all laugh too. And maybe sometimes I’ll throw alittle serious heartache story in the mix.

I am just me. Lost. And if you choose to not Find me that’s cool.

Also, I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. I do not write about boys I am currently involved with or boys who feelings I care about, even if we are not dating. Some stuff is not for discussions, and not anyone else business….not because I’m ashamed of anything but because I care about others feelings. (and then sometimes I just ignore peoples feelings….my bad) Also, sometimes (although not very often) my life can be pretty plain and normal….so there is that!

But then again I could be looking at this whole love, sex, relationship, dating, and blogging thing all-wrong.

But then again….I never have an issue finding boys.

And sometimes, just sometimes I even find my heart a flutter.

I was cleaning out my room and started to tackle a box, actually I should say a big bag of bags. Now not just any bags, this was a big bag of swag bags.

Swag bag castoffs that I just didn’t really get rid of. Like the not so exciting junk that you get in those bags…all the exciting junk I already had used and taken out.

This big bag of junk included: a bouncy –ball, a mini vibrator, vitamin water, three different hand lotions, penis shaped candies, lots of business cards and coupons, a bag of pretzels, shampoo, and so on and so on.

And a small pack of playing cards. Now they weren’t playing cards in the poker kind of way. They were for a different kind of game.

This was a pack of First date dating questions. A small deck that you can take with you, they were sized “to go”.

Insert a sigh. A large * sigh * for three reasons/thoughts that crossed my mind:

1) Why didn’t I think of that so I could be making money?

2) That a ridiculous thought LP cause that person who thought of it isn’t making money, hence why they are free.

(And)

3) Are they serious?!

This mini pack of first date questions is so ridiculous in concept I had to open the package.  (And I wish I hadn’t)

A small sample:

- Where would your dream home be located and what would it look like?

- What is your favorite thing to do on a date?

- How do u act when your angry?

- Would u like to live somewhere else?

- Is your glass half full or half empty?

- What was your worst breakup?

- What is your favorite sent?

Now I’ll try to control myself from throwing up in my mouth for a second here……

(yeah that didn’t work)

So, yes, these are all your basic and sometimes over the top get to know you questions. Sure you get a picture of someone here, but are these questions really necessary on a first date.

NO.

On a first date I want to see if we jive, if we make each other laugh, and if conversation flows.

Here is a hint: If you have to pull out pre written questions to ask your date, conversation does NOT flow and you should walk away now (and vise versa)

Would you have cards to help you lead the conversation with friends? No. Therefore, you shouldn’t have them on a date. If you can’t treat your date like you would your friends (or even better then you treat your friends) then you shouldn’t be dating.

And if you happen to need pre approved first date questions, for goodness sake memorize a few of the less sickening ones and leave the playing cards at home.

Remember Dating Boot Camp? Seems like forever ago, wait you already forgot about it. Well then, let’s pull out some information/advice I was taught back out there.

SIDEBAR: Notice that I said taught not learned.

We talked about dates and what to do and not to do on a date, it was called “dating” boot camp.  One ‘tip’ I never touched on had to deal with things you never do on a first date. Now one of their listed items had to do with things you say. And how you never say too much, never give away too much information about yourself. Tell interesting facts about yourself that leave someone wanting more, not running for the door.

Running for the door topics might include:

- My healer thinks I need to…

- I want to have babies, lots of babies.

- I’m not legally allowed to…

- My therapist says I….

(And so on)

But then there was a point made that I have a little issue with. Now we can all agree there are things you shouldn’t say on a first date, or even a 10th date. But Dating Boot Camp taught me that there are always things that stay locked away “in the vault forever”, that certain “skeletons should always stay in the closet” even if you’re married.

So here is my issue. Yes we all have secrets and we all have issues. I don’t need to know every little detail about you, your past, or anything, but you better ass believe if I’m going to do something like marry you I better be made aware of any skeletons.

How does this advice lend its self to a relationship built on trust?  How can one fully trust someone when there are secrets and an actual “vault”?

Our pasts make up who we are, and what we bring to a relationship. People who don’t talk about past relationships when they get into a new one always floor me. Or even worse refuse to talk about them. A friend told me about how her boyfriend doesn’t want to hear about any past relationship she has been in, “as far as I’m concerned you were a virgin when I meet you”, and he refuses to discuss his past too.

But see how one interacts in a relationship is directly related to how we have been treated and acted in the past.

My closet of skeletons is pretty small, and I usually don’t give my vault combo to just anyone, but when I do it’s because I’m with someone I trust and respect. More importantly I trust them to show me the same respect.

This isn’t the post that was supposed to go out today. I have the next two weeks already set (preposted) which is exciting, yes? I mean I find it exciting, although more convenient so I can do work and move (I’m moving…down the street!)

So, about 1 ½ years ago I found myself in the hospital. I guess what happened is my heart rate dropped so low (it runs really low in general, but that’s another story) that I passed out and had a seizure. The seizure part I don’t know about, but all I know was I woke up on the ground with the ambulance guys already around me and my foot hurt. Then I sorta remember being at the hospital and my foot still hurt. My mom showed up two days later to find me hooked up to a million wires in the hospital still crying about how much my foot hurt.

SIDEBAR: I was talking to my roommate when I passed out. I was in the doorway to my room and was holding onto the handle…what we think happened is I pulled the door shut on my way down closing it on my foot.

Mama Plum convinced them to x-ray my foot, which was the size of a baseball, and I couldn’t stand up on, so I would one-legged hop to the bathroom along with all my machines (cause no way in hell is this Plum is using a bed pan!)

X-rays back: They tell me it’s nothing, I just hit it and the swelling will go down in a few days. I spent about 2 months not being able to wear anything but flat shoes (and if you know me that is a travesty) and limping every once and awhile.

Fast-forward about 4 months. I went to the doctors for a check up (a new doctor) and I happen to mention my foot still bothered me now and again. He asked if I wanted to get an x-ray, I said yes.

SIDEBAR: This is the one thing I love about the American health care system. If you’re willing to pay for it you can have it. You can literally walk in be fine and say “ I want a EKG and an MRI done” and as long as you pay they do it.

X-rays back and there plain as day are 3 count them 3 hairline fractures in my right foot, and one which has healed it’s self in a not so hot kind of way!

Now my foot is pretty much better, sorta, well not really. But I get around fine on it, but every once and awhile it hurts. This I notice the most when it is cold outside. Really cold weather, or damp weather affects our joints and bones, and I’m sure if you have any type of injury such as mine you know what I’m talking about (don’t get me started on my knee when it’s raining)

So last night I wake up in pain. I’m alone, cold, and feel like my foot is broken!

My point is broken bones are kind of like broken hearts. They heal sure, but every once and awhile they pop up out of nowhere and cause you alittle pain. And it’s usually those times when you’re all alone in the dark cold room.

Then there are broken hearts like my foot. Little tiny fractures that go un reported because you don’t want to admit that maybe you are really broken hearted. Those heartbreaks that you push off as “meh it just didn’t work out” but really those breaks are the ones that maybe stay with you the most, that cut you the deepest. The ones you are silent about, that eat at you while you lay in bed, cold and alone. (with your foot propped up on a pillow)

Yeah, ok, I’m falling down on my knees (or at my keyboard) and doing the whole New Year Post.  Here we go….

So it’s 2010. Or better known as twenty-ten. So here is the thing, I think these years should be known as “the 20s”  (ie. just like the 1920, maybe better, maybe worse, but with skimpier swimwear)

So this is the dawn of our 20s! I mean who didn’t like (or is still liking) their 20s?  Come on! I think this is the best way for us to be excited about the years to come. Maybe it’s me not wanting to get older, and maybe sometimes forgetting I’m not 23 anymore. Or maybe it’s me just being crazy as usual.  But the 20s, my 20s (which technically I’m still working my way through) were pretty good. Pretty exciting, and thus, why not look at 20-10 as 2-0, aka 20! Year 20!

SIDEBAR: 2011 will be 21, 2012 will be 22, and so on…. Get it? You sure? Ok, good!

So as I look into 2010, I hope it is half as good as when I was 20.

WHEN I WAS 20:

-       I was just over 40 pounds lighter then I am now.

-       I was in love. (or thought I was)

-       I traveled Europe.

-       I had my first Gin & Tonic.

-       I was working hard, studying hard, and parting hard.

-       I got my first real ‘grown up’ job.

-       I pulled my first 4nighter (no sleep for 4 days)

-       I danced all the time.

-       I discovered avocado.

-       I got to see my dad almost every month, as he would travel to conferences near where I went to school.

-       I had great friends that I knew know matter what were there for me.

-       I laughed really hard.

-       I experimented in all sorts of maybe not so good things.

-       I drove ½ way across country on my own.

-       I started to explore and feed my love of cheese.

-       I was smoking (NOT good, but at the time it was oh soo good)

-       I saved a friends life.