The Lost Plum…

I went to an early holiday party last night. Sure, I had a few to drink but I’m usually always pretty good at being aware of my surroundings and situations.  So I’m leaving the Upper East Side, and heading over to meet “Mr. Hilary” at his place.  I get in my cab, and tell him where I am going 96^th and Bway.

We’re driving.

My cab driver starts to talk, sometimes I can be into this, but most of the time especially at 11pm I’m not up for a conversation.  He starts asking if I’ve ever seen certain movies.  I don’t remember the first three or four he asked. Most of them I think I said a simple no or yes answer. 

Then he asked if I’ve ever seen the movie Closer.  I say yes, and said something along the lines about it being a better play. 

Cab Driver: “Oh yeah, is there still lots of striping in the play.” (or something like that)

Me: “ I guess so.”

(I was  getting a kind of creaped-out feeling…but hadn’t remembered all of our conversation up to this point)

Cab Driver: “Have you ever seen Sent of a Woman”

Me: “No.” (of course I had seen it but he was defiantly a creepy guy)

Cab Driver: “Oh it’s a great movie, very sexy.”

Me:  “I guess I’ll have to look into it.”

We are driving through the park and he turn to go up town.  I think for a minute, did I tell him the right street or did I space out and tell him to take me home to 112^th.

Me: “ I need to go to 96^th and Bway.”

Cab Driver: “No you don’t.”

Me: “ Umm..yeah I do. That’s where my boyfriend and I live.”  (of course he’s not my bf, and of course we don’t live together)

Cab Driver:  “ You have a boyfriend? Does he have a big penis? Can he sexually please you?”

Me:  “Umm…I can actually even get out at this corner too.”

I’m starting to freak a little bit. He just pass 106^th…..if he doesn’t turn by 110th, I’m jumping out! I’m seriously, just jumping out.  I take off my shoes, and place my hand on the door handle.

Cab Driver:  “ Have you ever made love to an Egyptian man?”

Me: (silent)

Cab Driver:  “ We are the best lovers in the world. You will love it.  You’re boyfriend can’t be Egyptian…(I didn’t get everything he said after I was watching stop lights and where we were more then listening by now)

He hit 109-RED LIGHT!

With my shoes in my purse, I jumped out of that cab, and slammed the door quicker then I can even fathom.  And ran faster then you can believe all the way to “Mr. Hilary” at 96th. And we headed to the emergency room.  I got a cut on my foot, which needed two stitches.

FACT: I will never date or even give any guy who is Egyptian the time of day now solely based on this experience.

Coming home tonight I’m more then positive the cab driver was masturbating.  Yup, ok, he totally was.  When we’d stop at a red light, he’d lean his head back moan, and shake/move in the sense that he was totally ‘beating off”, he’d only move on when the other cars honked like crazy.

I had a $10 bill and waited till we hit about $7 on the meter and told him the next corner was great (even though I still had like 10 blocks to go) sorta dropped the bill through the glass and jumped out.

FACT: Touching yourself and driving is not safe.  

SIDEBAR: Now I’m no guy, but really you can’t wait to do something like that?

So it happened like this a few days ago:

I’m heading off to a midtown (around 57 and 7th) and I’m running alittle late so I think to myself:  ”Self, just take a cab!”

I stand at my corner of 112th and Bway and wait for a cab.

Suddenly this van cab arrives and I get in.  (I hate the van cabs, there aren’t to many of them but I really try to avoid them as much as possible, they are awkward)

So I’m in the cab, I tell my driver where I’m going and he’s off. Now I don’t remember all too much about if he said anything, or how he was driving, but I do remember most everything from this point on….He turned to go through the park. Urg, I thought to myself, this is going to take forever now, why wouldn’t he just go straight down broadway, but alas, he didn’t.

We are driving through the road in the park and he starts to drive slower, and more to the center of the road. Then he slams on the breaks in the middle of the roadway.  I go flying against the seat  in front!

I am putting myself back together, when I notice something.

The door is open.

He is running away

I see him getting smaller and smaller as he takes off through the park, the cab with me inside sitting in the middle of the roadway as cars honk and try to move around me.

First thought:  There is a bomb in the cab! Fuck!

Second thought:  I don’t know the punky looking black guy doesn’t fit the ‘profile’ of a terrorist.

I am trying to figure out what to do, and realize the best plan of attack is to just pull the cab over to the side of the road (people are yelling at me by now) and get out and walk the rest of the way.  

SIDEBAR: I will admit it crossed my mind multiple times to drive the cab to 57th and leave it there, but I didn’t do it.

So, I climb my way to the front seat (this vancab didn’t have any glass yet) and pull the cab over to the side of the road way.  I reach back to the back to grab my bag, and then…

*tap tap tap* there is an officer at the window

I roll the window down.

Plum: “hello officer”  (awkward smile)

Law-man:”licence and registration for the vehicle”

Plum: “umm…you seee..i..”

Law-man: “I said licence and registration” (loudly)

Plum: “ummm….” (grabbing licence out of wallet) ”I don’t know where the registration for the vehicle would be, it isn’t mine”

Law-man: “What is this?”

Plum:  ”My licence, see it had expired, so that’s all the paper work to go with it.”

Law-man: “Get out of the vehicle”

Plum:  ”umm…ok”

Law-man: “You aren’t American”

Plum: “No I’m Canadian, I go to grad school. Would you like to see…”

Law-man:  ” Who does the vehicle belong to?”

Plum:  ”The cab driver ran away, I was just moving…”

Law-man:  ”He ran away”

Plum: “yes”  (pointing in the direction he ran in the park)

It gets alittle fuzzy here.  But:

I got fined, and had my licence taking away because I was driving a “commercial vehicle” without a licence.  I was to report to the police station on my ticket to review my file, and pick up my licence/information…blah blah blah..

So I leave in a tissy, get to my destination almost an hour late, tell my story, and trek it to the central park station (which is a trek)

I get to the station, and they were so nice to me, lead me to see these other officers in suits i might add, and we sit down to talk.  They apologize profusely about any misunderstanding and start to ask me details about my cabtastic journey.

You see:  My “cab driver” stole the cab at gun point somewhere further up town after robbing some deli, and then for some unknown reason decided to pick me up on the side.  Either to a: to make money, or b: as a hostage.  And I guess he pussied out and left me to be attacked on my own accord by the fine officer in the park!

SIDEBAR: I wonder how much my parents would pay as a ransom…hmmm…

FACT: I tell this story MUCH better in person!