The Lost Plum…

I do a weekly installment on this blog called: The Sunday Pull (pick-up-line-love)

Which are all actual pickup lines (good or bad, you be the judge) that have been used on me. I started keeping journals of them “a long-long time ago“, during my first year at University.

Like all freshmen away from home we socialized alot, and one thing my girl friends used to point out was how I got hit on by everyone (but mostly real ‘winners’), and it was like guys tried out the worst pickup lines (ever) on me.  My friend ‘Em’ (who sadly I don’t talk to anymore) used to say, “what pickup line love did that guy try?” (Hence the title PULL)

Everyone kept saying I should write them down, and I’d joke that maybe I would, but never did. However, when this incident happened I officially started my PULL journals.

–a long-long time ago–

The first big snowfall of the year was huge my freshman year. Being from northern Canada though I trudged through the snow to my only class, which had not been cancelled. Once it was finished I made my way back to the dorms through the newly cleared limited pathways.

A guy passed me, he nicely smiled as he walked by, and said hello. I smiled back. (He was the only other person on the path back towards the dorms with me)

As we walked (him about 5 feet ahead of me) he kept turning back to look at me, and would smile. He then stopped and bent down to what looked like to tie his shoe. I passed him.

It was cold, and my feet were wet and the campus looked bare.

I’m walking and all of a sudden….BAM! A powerful force out of nowhere bangs into me. I’m face down in a huge pile of snow, and it hurts!

‘Tying’ his Shoe Guy: “Oh god! I’m so sorry!” (He is helping me up, and brushing snow off me while continuing to apologize)

Me: (speechless)

‘Tying’ his Shoe Guy:  I didn’t see you there!

Me: Are you kidding me!? There isn’t anyone else here!..That really hurt. (Continue to wipe snow off myself and collect my belongings, which have flown into a large pile of snow)

‘Tying’ his Shoe Guy: I feel terrible. I really didn’t see you. (continues to apologize)

Me: (eye roll as I finally find my bag in snow)

‘Tying’ his Shoe Guy: Really! I’m so sorry. Can I make it up to you and take you out to dinner sometime. I’d love to take you out.

Me: No, that’s ok. I’m fine, no worries.

‘Tying’ his Shoe Guy: Well I really want to take you to dinner……to say I’m sorry.

Me: Did you just push me in the snow to ask me out!?

(Silence)

Me: Seriously!? How old are we 5?

(And I walked away in a cold-wet-huff)

(reason #___why I’m single: I don’t always give people a chance.)

Was out the other night with a fellow blogger and my homesicle* Tom. And as you can imaging the topic went from PG-what’s-new to talking about penis slapping people in the face (the only thing I totally regret not including here!) So, Tom in all his foolery informs me that apparently guys like to just throw their penis out there. (Well he said “some guys” I don’t want to put words in him mouth)

It got me thinking. (As I so often do on my train rides home)

So… here is a list of the Top 5 “oh wow, that’s your penis right there” moments, feel free to comment about your own personal ones:

Take Me For a Ride ~ Going home one night (about 4 years ago) on a crowded #1 train the guy standing in front of me (I was sitting) unzipped and pushed his limp penis threw his fly, which slowly grew in front of me…….

Model Love ~ that model guy from almost a year ago who was way to dumb and way to young for me, took me to dinner. A very very nice dinner, at a very nice place. He excused him self to use the restroom and then,

Model: I found something in the bathroom you may like.

Un model like me: I highly doubt that (laughing)

Model guy then removes his hand which is resting near his belt buckle and pocking up from his pants right above his belt and in front of his tucked in shirt is his little friend saying hello.

Take That ~In University, my friend ‘TSS’ and ‘S-Collins’ were in the student lounge with me. ‘TSS’ said something that most likely poked funny at “S-Collins” (I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember us laughing our asses off) And then next thing I know is he has his pants around his ankles in front of her, Takes his penis and slapped her across the face with it. (The laughing stopped for a moment; we lifted our jaws off the floor and continued to laugh even harder)

I’ll Just Keep Driving ~ I was driving back home late from a cousins wedding (has to be like 7 years ago) and had taken a good friend from University as my date. He took full advantage of the free bar, and on the drive home we are talking and then I look over and he’s trying to fit his penis into the tip of a water bottle, cause he had to pee. (He then proceeded to climb into the backseat and try to pee out the window as I was driving on the highway, but that’s another story)

#1 is Where It’s At – It was about two years ago, middle of August, and one of those balls-ass-kill-me-now-nyc summer days! Sitting on the #1 train, which had about 20 people in the car. I notice out of the corner of my eye the man sitting across from me doing something. I take a closer look, and yup there he is masturbating. It proceeded to become one full on masturbating session (this guy really had to work that out, we’re talking moans people) No one really did anything or said anything (besides not sit right next to him) It was defiantly one of those NYC summer moments where you’ll put up with anything on the train cause its got Air-Conditioning and the other option is death.

SIDEBAR: A homesicle is usually used to describe a “homie” that lives with you…Tom does not live with me or vise versa…..(I mean it more like a tom-popsicle…..but not in a dirty way.)

FACT: If you aren’t reading Tom’s foolery over at YOURTANGO, you are missing out!  Case and Point.

I was looking through my little blackberry notes (on things/reminders for blog posts) and came across a quote that my ever-wonderful dating maven friend said.

“As long as you can get a guy to drunk kiss you at the bar, you still got it!”

Now I’m sure we were drinking when she said this (in fact I know we were), and thus I probably took some license with her exact words, but that it’s a pretty great quote!

This past Saturday it was my friend ‘Babs’ birthday, and a bash it was! (I still might hurt alittle from it) We had a lovely dinner and then headed for more drinks at our go-to bar in the LES where we always have fun, and the boys take care of us.

I went for some air with ‘Red-lips’ (while she smoked) and as we were coming back in we ran into a very cute young boy!  There was a short line as IDs were being scanned and checked. We weren’t really moving into the middle of the line, more in the sense of trying to get around it, because A: They don’t check our IDs, and B: We had already been inside.

And this cute young boy goes: “Here go ahead of me, please.”

Now wasn’t that nice of him…..We have a few quick back and forths about him being sweet and I can’t really remember it all…we go in… and that’s about all.

Red-lips:  He’s looking over here at you.

Plum:  Gawd, he’s like what? 23?

Red-lips: Well he has to be 21, he got in.

The night continues, are table/booth gets fuller as other friends show up, and add in a mix of band boys, and boys wanting to show us their penises. And I look over to see where ‘Red-lips’ is and she is just to the side of us talking it up with the cute young boy….hmmmm…

She see’s me and waves her hand, “come here”.

I being alittle drunk… and well I take direction pretty easy (lets be honest) make my way over to ‘Red-lips’, and the cute young boy.

Red-Lips:  He’s 29!

BabyFace: Hi (laughs) I’m ‘babyface’.

Plum:  Really, you’re 29!

BabyFace: (laughs) yeah, I’m 29…

Red-lips: I’m going to get another drink, you guys stay here and talk!

My friends are smooth aren’t they! (I think she even gave us booth a wink and a smile…..so smooth!)

We are talking, about, I really don’t know what!  He and his rowdy friends were on a bar crawl (some type of game involving golf holes and being in teams, and winning money) my rowdy friends were on a birthday bonanza that they seemed to think was a bachelorette party. ( I think that maybe why they wanted to show penis….but again not clear!)

We are talking nothing fancy he’s staring at me strangely and I’m thinking “wow Im sooo babbling and he sooo is trying to find his exit plan.” The all of a sudden, his hand is on my cheek, he pulls me in, and kisses me. Although it might have been one of those drunken, awkward kisses…….

I must still got it!

I had an email exchange with a guy ‘friend’ of mine, and basically for some reason made a list of key facts I think a guy needs to know about me going into a relationship….or even when getting involved with me.

The list includes things like:

~I hate people who “show up” at my house/apartment. I literally will not open the door if you do this, and most likely will never talk to you again.

~If forced to spoon, I’d rather be the big spoon.

~And I hate PDA. (By hate I mean loath! It makes me very uncomfortable, in fact)

So we are bantering back and forth, and I get the following.

“What are PDAs?”

(and then I get)

“ I just googled it and it said that it was something like a portable organizer, but that’s not what you mean, right?”

Ok…seriously, dude! You’re great, but who doesn’t know what PDA is?  In fact as I was typing “PDA” to him, I started writing it out in full, but thought:

Me: Self, that is silly, just make it short form.

Self: Of course, why am I writing it all out?

Me: Exactly, it’s self-explanatory.

Well apparently, there are grown ups (and smart educated ones at that) walking around not knowing the term PDA.  And this is just another reason why PDA’s should not be allowed.  If not everyone between the ages of 20-40 knows what this is or means that we should recognize it as not “legal”.

Oh…for reference, in case you didn’t know.

PDA = Public Displays of Affection  (aka, people being inappropriate in public)

I have never been a fan of the PDA. I don’t like doing them and I don’t like seeing them.

I feel like I used to believe that guys hated PDA’s and girls wanted them. I had a little twitter back and forth a few weeks back with a twitter buddy (a single girl) She basically got dumped because she wouldn’t hold hands with the guy she had been seeing for a few weeks.  Now she and I agree on the PDA’s  (not fans) she might be alittle more anti them then me (I thought I was bad) Anyways, her guy left her at the bar. Got up and straight up left her sitting there for “not holding his hand the other day”. Or at least that is what he told her. And I believe it, cause if that’s a ‘breakup line’ it’s either terrible, or kind of genius and we all know guys aren’t that genius!

When it comes to the PDA:

~I might (might) hold your hand.  BUT will defiantly not be while walking in a crowded place, and will let go of it so much that you’ll just get sick of trying.

~If I happen to ‘makeout’ with you on a corner some place and I’m not shit face drunk, I might actually like you.

~I will bluntly and loudly tell you not to put your arm around me in public.

~Public transit is no place for anything private (including conversations)

~I will not massage your back in public, thank you very much.

~I can even be awkward with general people when it comes to the handshake or hug/check kiss moments

SO the question is. What do you LOVE or HATE about the (inappropriate) PDA?

(reason #___why I’m single: I won’t make out with you on the train!)

After prodding from friends I decided to actually go out with one of the men I meet while dropping fruit.  I had a total of 42 business cards (not bad for only spending $28.57 total on bruised fruit)

I had the “no thank you” pile, and the “hmm not too bad” pile, and the eleven I thrown out already. I took all 13 ‘not to bad’ business cards threw them in a hat (well actually I was not sitting near a hat and I’m lazy so I threw them in my pillowcase still on pillow I might add) and pulled one out.

Doctor ~check

Buys potatoes ~check

Oh so yummy looking ~check

Somewhere back in Canada my mother was smiling and on one knee thanking god!

I sent the fruit doctor, oh I’m sorry, the fruit-dentist an email. He replied within 10minutes…not bad, not bad! We decide to meet for coffee mid day between meetings (for both of us) I walk in and wow, yeah, fruit-dentist man is even more attractive then I remember him to be.

SIDEBAR: personal history has taught me that very attractive men equals douche-bag….but I try to throw that thought out the window.

Everything is going well, we chat about my job (aka jobs!) his new job (he just graduated from dental school) potatoes (I couldn’t not ask what he made with them) He’s talking about how much he loves his new job and how being cosmetic dentists really makes the world a better place.

AND THEN….. (you knew there was a THEN coming!)

He starts in on everything that is wrong with my teeth! From the colour, to the point of my custpid’s (?—canine teeth), the one filling he can see, my gummy smile, and so on….

I was like talking looking down, trying not to smile, and somewhat covering my mouth.  (Characteristics, which are so not me!) I decided to leave the date early.

Fruit-Dentist: I thought your meeting was at 4?

Me: I know, I’m sorry it got rescheduled just before I got here.

Fruit-Dentist: Ok, well, you owe me a rain-check.

Where? In your dentist chair to fix my terrible teeth!? Is this guy serious! 

First off, I would like to think I have very nice straight teeth for never having them whitened or having had braces or the like.

In fact, the thing that bothers me the most about this is I am a teeth person. (Apparently, not as much of a teeth person as he is)

If you have bad teeth you don’t have a chance with me. If you are my friend and you have bad teeth you are an amazing amazing person because I have overlooked this and overlooking bad teeth is hard for me.

And then this douche-bag has to go and tell me I could use some teeth “improvements”

Well at least he paid for my coffee!

FACT:  Fruit-Dentist made himself mashed potatoes.

(reason #___why I’m single: I don’t have perfect teeth)