The Lost Plum…

In true fashion of “this wasn’t the post that was supposed to go out today” I want to rant for a few seconds. I’d say bare with me, but you guys always do that, so just do what you do.

FACT: All guys are douchebags, and all girls are crazy bitches. ( I say this ALL the time, as my loyal readers know)

Why do guys have to be such douchebags? Even better, why do they have to hide their doucheiness under there ‘to good to be true’ exterior?

And then why when their douchebagery is exposed do girls have to turn crazy.

I hate douchey boys today, but I hate being a crazy bitch about it today even more.

That’s all.

My lovelies Nando and Nate and I were discussing the topic of turn-offs in bed a few months back.

My answer was basically “if you have to ask if I enjoyed it, I probably didn’t.

But it got me thinking about all my bedroom turnoffs. So in the only way I know how to approach these things, here is a list of just a few….

The Times I’ve Been Most Turned Off In Bed:

1. Exactly what is said above. Every time that question has been asked in bed it is pretty much been bad. But one time in particular sticks out the most. Let me just say, I didn’t even know we had started and he had already finished and was very prod of the fact he just may have blown my mind. Trust me if it’s good for me you will know!

2. We were laying there after the fact, maybe like 5 minutes or so. Actually scratch that, like less then a minute, he had just rolled over then he lifted his leg and farted. (This was the first time we had sex….and the last)

3. “Am I big?” Honey if you have to ask it isn’t big. Also if you draw my attention to it in that context, that is all I’m going to be thinking about the entire time as I compare you to every other one I’ve seen in my head.

4. Showering right after, and I mean right after! Is my sex sweat that gross that it can’t be on you for more then 5minutes?

5. Being told to leave right after. A lady always asks if you’d like to say, and a gentleman always invites one to stay. If you don’t invite me I’m leaving don’t worry. You don’t have to point to the door before I’ve even found my bra.

6. The fluid motion of removing clothing and putting on a condom. Some guys are pros at this. I truly believe someone teaches a class on it! I’m always in awe and shock and kind of discuss of this ability. They are undressed and protected in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t getting up and going anywhere, hold your horses for like 2minutes at least.

7. Do not; I repeat do not push my head down towards your region. I’m already making my way down there. You shoving my head down makes me not only want to Not do it, but do it with teeth!

8. Pinning me down and sweating all over me. Now I’m not saying you can’t pin me down. But if your a massive head and face sweater and I can’t move, I’m spending less time thinking about the moment and more time trying to not chock and be blinded by the salty waterfall pouring down on me!

I’ve been told this before many times:  He’s just scared at how fast and much he’s fallen for you. (or something along those lines) He’s scared it’s getting to serious.

I think I might hold the record for times a guy who seems all interested in me out of the blue say: “I’m not looking for a serious relationship, ok?!”

In fact if I don’t hear that on the third date, I start to think my hearing is going.

My reply is always the same: “OK. No one said anything about a serious relationship here.”

And I truly mean that!

I’ve been thinking about this lately. What is it about me? About my personality that makes me come off as this relationship hungry girl.  When I’m actually farthest from that. Am I too nice? Too interested, to giving? What is it?! I seriously want to know!

Do I like the idea of being in a relationship? Sure, who doesn’t? They are comfortable, wonderful, and safe, but then again full of so many issues.

A nice steady casual relationship I’ll take any day. A call me your girlfriend, move in together and let’s have babies relationship…..well frankly they scare me.

So the question is, is it me?

Do I scream, “date me, love me, marry me”, or is it just a precaution that all men take.

Are they scared of ‘us’ the scary relationship hungry females? ‘Us’ with our bridesmaids picked out since we were 10 yearsold, our eggs in the freezer, and wedding dresses we got on sale in the closet.  Do all guys see us (women) as THOSE types?

Dear lord do I come off as that type?!

Sure the idea of a woman with her ticking time bomb ovaries and dreams of the perfect wedding dress might be scary. Sure. I can see that. I meet a boy once who knew exactly how and what time of the year he wanted to get married. Scared the living poo out of me!

The word “fast” and “plans” and “future” are scary in any context at any age!

But little old me, scaring guys away. Making them think I’m all ready to settle down, writing out my name with his last name, and picking out baby names….ME? Really?!

This little plum is scared and jaded on her own. I don’t need your insecurities of whether or not I’m a spring or fall wedding person, or am feeling out your family cancer and disease history.

I’m ok with a non serious relationship, not cause calling me your girlfriend scares me, or moving in scares me, or weddings scare me, or monogamy scares me, or even babies scare me. Ok having a baby fucking scares the bejeezus of me! The are big and my hoo-ha isn’t that big.

I’ve had some wonderful beautiful real serious relationships. And the thought of repeating their faults is what scares me. Because my list of what scares me in “him” and in our maybe “serious relationship” is far more meaty then his fear of a seeing me in a wedding dress, or god forbid us putting a label each other.  It’s perfectly normal for guys to go on and on about how they don’t want anything serious, they aren’t ready for something serious. But, I as a female say that and something is either wrong with me, I’m a slut, or I’m lying.  But like I said my fears about making something serious stand on their own. (but then again maybe guys have their own list too, maybe)

I fear:

- him having sex with one of my best friends behind my back (again)

- him dumping me after 4 years cause he’s getting married in 6 months (again)

- him slapping me across the face and throwing me against walls (again)

- being cheated on (again, and again, and again)

- being told I’ll never be good enough for him (again)

- falling in love and having him die on me (again)

I had taken a nice solitude vacation at the end of my first year of grad school. Actually I spent the whole time in the resort room in Mexico writing my paper that was due the day I got back, and since I burnt crisper then a bucket of chicken on the first day, the room is where I stayed.

My favorite moments of this trip besides some nice sun therapy and the spa would have to be my late night phone calls with Mr. Popular while sitting on the balcony.

Mr. Popular and I had been chatting/texting/IMing for months, and had had a few in person adventures!

I got home to NYC red and ready to hand in my paper. I also was thinking somewhat dreamy thoughts of Mr. Popular. This was one of the only time I can remember of where I actually really contemplated us as a “couple” and in a real “relationship”.

Problem being I didn’t think he felt the same way at all. I was pretty convinced we had moved into the ever wonderful “friendship” zone. He treated me like a ‘girlfriend’ but just never touched me like one….or at least how I assumed all guys touch their girlfriends.

I was getting ready to go to bed early, as I get tired from plane rides, and I get a phone call.

Mr. Popular is in my hood and right up the street. He wants to come over and see me. Holy shit balls!

We talked laughed and joked around for hours into the night. Just lying on my bed talking. Only times he got off the bed was to take a smoke break. His smoke breaks consited of him at my window, stradling my ratiator so he was half out the window and half inside the bedroom.

As the hours flew by I became more and more convinced we dove deeper into the “friend zone” and pretty soon the sun was close to coming up.

SIDEBAR: I was pretty cool with friend zone, but starting to question his sexuality at this point. What guy lies in bed for hours with a girl and doesn’t try anything?

We were laying talking laughing and then all of a sudden he leans in and kissed me.

There it was! Wow!

“Did you just kiss me?”

He kissed me again!

And then he stopped stared in my eyes and jumped up!

“I have to go!”

He bolted, ran, left quicker then Kiefer Sutherland throws back a shot of whiskey.

And I went to bed with the sun coming up feeling rejected: Sad, lonely, and rejected.

Until I awoke to find I had company in bed with me.

There were feathers and bird poo all over as pigeons had flown in and taken up residence in my room through his open “smoke break” window.

Maybe first kiss birds really do appear. And maybe sometimes in the form of gross dirty New York City pigeons!

I got an email late last night from one of my readers, or maybe a passer by, who knows. And I thought I needed to address this email in the open, to everyone. Not for any specific reason, just cause I feel like it. My answer is something I tell people often when I discuss this blog and my dating/sex/relationship status and practices. However, I realized that I don’t know most of you so I should let you know as well.

FACT: Just because you email me doesn’t mean I will respond to it out in the open. Although, it maybe time for one of these posts again.

Her email included the following:

“You don’t date and write about it like other sex and dating blog people. Are you dating someone and just not talking about it? Are you just not interested in dating? What is up with you in terms of your dating life? You just write so different then the other women dating bloggers I read in the city…”

Well….. first and foremost I want to say:

Thank you!

I read most of the other “dating” blogs here in the city, and even outside of the city. I even socialize with a few other writers. I like most everyone out there but I am happy that you find me different, so thank you. I never went in to blogging (this blog or any other) wanting to emulate anyone, or be like someone else.

SIDEBAR: I’ll be honest there are a very small handful of bloggers I don’t like. I don’t like what they write, how they write, how they interact with others, what their blog design looks like, and some I don’t like as people (and like almost everyone!). And frankly I’m sure lots don’t like me (And I could care less)!

I am glad you find me different even if it’s hinted as not a good thing.

I never really categories myself as a “dating/relationship/sex” blogger, although I guess that is where I fit.

I like to tell people “I write about me. I just happen to meets lots of boys….so I guess I write about boys”

I am far from an expert at dating or relationships. And would never claim to be. I have no advanced degrees in psychology or anything in the like. (although, I do have a very large education resume) Many may claim age and experience give them their “cred” but I simple disagree. So I don’t give advice and should probably add a “don’t try this at home” section to my legal statement at the bottom of this page.

Here is the main thing and my main point: I don’t date to write.

Frankly some people out there do. I find it ridiculous. What’s the fun in that?! It takes something fun and interesting: dating and love and sex and all that jazz, and makes it work. Not my goal, not my way, not my vibe.

I’m not going to bore you about every little detail of every date I go on, right down to where we went and what we ate. Who cares?!

I am not going to bore you with tales of endlessly spending night inside weeding through online profiles in hopes to make a connection just so I can write about it. And even if I did tell you of my fishing expeditions it would end up more like this post.

I’m not going to write about every cute and interesting boy I meet. Hell I’d be writing forever!

I mean maybe me never talking about my at the moment/in the moment dating and sex life makes me look desperate or pathetic in some way. Or just seem like a big loser, but I tend to think of it the other way.

I tell you stories I want to, I like to laugh at my self, and hopefully I make you all laugh too. And maybe sometimes I’ll throw alittle serious heartache story in the mix.

I am just me. Lost. And if you choose to not Find me that’s cool.

Also, I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again. I do not write about boys I am currently involved with or boys who feelings I care about, even if we are not dating. Some stuff is not for discussions, and not anyone else business….not because I’m ashamed of anything but because I care about others feelings. (and then sometimes I just ignore peoples feelings….my bad) Also, sometimes (although not very often) my life can be pretty plain and normal….so there is that!

But then again I could be looking at this whole love, sex, relationship, dating, and blogging thing all-wrong.

But then again….I never have an issue finding boys.

And sometimes, just sometimes I even find my heart a flutter.