The subway system being one of the most popular, it’s usually always there for you (usually). It gets you places, it provides entertainment and it opens doors.

You could say it is the most constant relationship I’ve had since moving to NYC.

SIDEBAR: We did have that 3-month break but that’s another story.

Yup, I think the subway is my true NYC boyfriend. He’s usually on time, he smells sometimes, he’s cool, and always has someplace to take me…. oh and he’s a fun big long thing to ride on!

However, if it’s my one true relationship I must project my fears and hang-ups that I usually foresee in men on my beloved subway boyfriend.

And I do. I’m scared of the subway most of the time. I stand back away from the edge (see above sidebar), I get disgusted by others my boyfriend lets ride on him, I make comments about his smell and appearance, I worry when he’s not on time, and I get pissed when he’s not there for me when I need him, yet he seems to be there for others.

But like all relationships I’m prepared for what might go wrong.  See the subway has its emergency plan. It is in ever car, on every line: The, “what to do in case of an emergency” procedure plan.

The emergency brake is usually right above this list of procedures. The list of what to do in case of fire, evacuation, illness, police emergency and so on.  What does one do? Not what you think. In fact you don’t pull the emergency brake.

In all emergency matters you never pull the brake.

The brake is like a false security. Much like the false security you have in a relationship. If something goes wrong you can’t just push a button or pull a cord and all will be ok. You can’t always walk away unscathed.

In case of an emergency you need to turn to the procedures to handle the situation in the right manner. You need to calm down and walk through step by step.

In relationships we aren’t always prepared for the “emergencies” we face but we can’t always fall back on a false security that things will be ok.  Something or in this case someone isn’t always there to catch you, isn’t there to save you, and in most cases just isn’t there fore you.

Although, subway emergencies don’t happen often, relationship emergencies happen all the time. Whether it is a real fire, or just an irate passenger we need to learn to just breath and take the right steps in making things better.

Now if only there was a manual for that…..

Here’s the thing I have been thinking about how I’ve been told on 3 occasions when I’ve meet a guy I’ve been seeing (involved with or dating) friends.

I’ve been told how great that guy is, how special he is, and how I better, in a sense, watch myself. I’ve been told that I need to understand how special and wonderful said guy is, and how I need to treat him well.

Now I get alittle thrown off because these are always the conversations I see people telling the guy who is dating the girl, at least that’s how it happens in the movies and on TV. It’s almost never people telling the girl to take care of the guy she is dating. Or is it?

Now most of the time when this happens I kind of want to say “Are you kidding me? You just meet me, but let me tell you something I am the real catch in this relationship.” Alas, I jus say, “ I know” and nod my head, or smile sweetly as I get told how great their guy friend is and how lucky I apparently am to be graced with his presence.

Here’s what gets me though. I don’t think I’ve ever had a friend tell any guy I’ve ever brought around that I am a catch, or they need to treat me right. In fact, I pretty much am positive no friend has ever let a guy know that I am worthy of being treated well.

Maybe my friends assume that by the time I get around to introducing guys to them that I’ve already vented the bad ones out. Maybe they trust my judgment and what I’m doing.

But then again knowing my past judgment in relationships or men you would think my friends would let boys know that they should treat me well.

So question is do my friends just trust me that much? I find that hard to believe. Maybe no one really cares in a sense. They just assume I’ll pull myself back up at the end of the day, like I always do so why waste their time telling a guy I’m dating to treat me right and realize I’m special….but I think I’m worth that, just alittle bit, maybe.

Let’s face it we all find ourselves in situations with the opposite sex (and same sex) that are less than ideal.  The retched being picked up or should I say attempt at being picked up is always a circumstance I dread.  However, after years of practice I’ve found some interesting and straight up nasty ways of getting that man who has attached himself to me to leave.

SIDEBAR:  Those who know me are always shocked when I pull these out of the bag of tricks, because I’m always the nice one who will politely talk to the creepy boy and make a nice and descent exit, however, sometimes you can’t hold back.

6 Excuses I have used to get out of talking to a guy (or ways to get him to leave you alone!)

1.  When he asks you what kind of drink you want and insists he buys you one even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want one you come up with a disgusting drink concoction. This concoction should include two types of alcohol and orange soda if possible.  My personal favorite is Jamison, Greygoose, orange soda, and bitters.  When he asks if it’s good you say: “ No, but it gets me angry drunk, and that’s what I’m going for tonight!

2. Put a ring on it!  Yes girls do take rings off their other fingers turn them around and make them look like wedding rings so they can tell guys they are married. However, this doesn’t always work, but when you tell him you are married, make sure you say it’s to a woman.  Guys are fascinated by lesbians, but for some reason they get turned off by married lesbians.

3. Pretend you are deaf.  This only works when you are alone, and not sitting with headphones on.  I have on more than one occasion pretended I couldn’t hear on the subway when some creepy man has started to talk to me. I also do a great ‘deaf speak’ of “ I can’t hear” with the sign language followed by a smile and a look away.  This should not be confused with not speaking English. Guys get turned on by the idea of you not speaking English, but no one wants to be the creep hitting on the deaf girl.

4.  When at a bar ask the guy if he came with any female friends. When he asks why, or says yes. Ask if he thinks they might have a tampon cause you’re bleeding through them like crazy. They run faster than Moses parted the red sea.

5.  Start to dry heave and excuse yourself. Only at a small house party gathering will you maybe encounter the guy who will follow you and want to hold your hair, otherwise they’re done with you. Starting to pick your nose also works very well, as long as you get right up in there.

6. When they ask for your number say it’s better if they give you theirs because you wont be availed for a while. Tell them your doctors says you shouldn’t be having sex until 5 days after this cycle of medication you’re on is finished.

To be honest I couldn’t tell you what the book was called or who he was or everything they talked about in the hour or however long that show is on.

The fact is I like background noise on when I work, and I usually have the TV on rather then music, I think because I care less about the TV then I do about my music.

Anyways, during a part of the show they asked multiple-choice questions about dealing of relationships, and then he would give the scientific answer (the only true answer as he put it, you know cause science is factual ALL the time)

They had questions like, what to wear to bed, who should pay for a date/outing, and so on…

But one question made me question “science”, and not just science but people.

The question was: If you don’t feel like having sex with your partner one night and they really want to you should either A) grin and bear it B) pretend to fall asleep or C) bribe them with something (ie. they take you some place, buy you something, do the dishes)

Now we are all entitled to our opinions, and I am in no way going to say which one is the one I’d pick. Cause fact of the matter is I have issues with all these options!

Grin and Bear it?! Really. If you are in any relationship where you have to grin and bear sex then you are lacking in the communication department. And if your communication department is broken, I hate to say it but your relationship is broken.

Now pretending to fall asleep is just ridiculous. Straight up!

Now compromising is one thing, but last time I checked compromising wasn’t the same as bribing. If you are with someone who needs you to agree to take out the trash or do dishes or take them on vacation to have sex, I feel bad for you. Sex should not be compromised and brided for. You know who bribes for sex? Prostitutes!

What happened to being honest? What’s wrong with saying “I don’t feel like having sex”? Nothing wrong with not wanting sex all the time (I don’t get that, but I’ll buy it, and appreciate the honesty)

How is honesty not a scientifically proven right answer? This is what is wrong with our world. Honesty is not the best policy when it comes to sex, and that means it’s not the best policy period. Because frankly we all know sex drives the world.

Oh and in case you were wondering if you turned to science for the right answer it would be C) bribe your partner to do stuff for you, before you do “stuff” to them!

A good old friend of mine where skyping the other night and he referenced this post, where I talk about what things I wish a boyfriend would do/things I’ve never had a boyfriend do. And he went on about how I’ve had some pretty amazing guys do some pretty amazing and impressive things for me. So in a fashion of writing I love here is a list.

9 Amazing things about the guys I’ve dated.

1. Every guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with was self-sufficient and employed. (Believe me this is a nice thing)

2. I have not only a nice jewelry collection but also a very very impressive one. It’s very nice and very shinny.

3. I’ve had two award winning songs, and countless nominated songs (and even more regular ones) written about me. Now not all are good, but it’s the thought that counts right!

4. I have been taken on trips to amazing locations/place all over the world and meet amazing people.

5. I’ve always been with guys that love and appreciate food. This has satisfied me in many ways.

6. I believe every guy I have dated (except for ‘first guy’) has believed in me, my ideas, my goals, and my ideals.

7. I’ve dated boys who appreciate my humor. And most importantly they laugh at my jokes, and with me. Ok and alot of times at me!

8. They have put up with me. And although I’m told that is easy, I can’t stop thinking that it can’t be THAT easy.

9. Regardless of what I say they were all very special in their own ways. And I owe who I am right now to every single one of them…..and ME is pretty great!

Girlfriends I have and ones I just meet are always blown away by the fact that I will go home with a guy far before I take him home. Sometimes months before he even knows where I really live.

Girls always tell me they like the ability of telling someone to leave when they want them too. That it’s on their time, their territory, and their terms.

But what if they don’t leave? I however, like the ability of leaving when I see fit. Whether that is 3pm the next day or 3-minutes after walking in the door.

It’s only truly on your terms if you’re the guest. Unless he’s a serial axe murder then it’s on his terms. But as my friend ‘Tex’ would say, “I can’t get my deposit back with blood stains all over”.

When I was making my move to my new apartment a few months back I realized something.

I had never had sex in my room where I had lived for 2 years. Two years! 2 years without having sex meant my poor bed might be comfy but she sure was lonely.

In fact my bed hasn’t seen that much action at all in its 5-year life.  Poor bed.

I guess I don’t really have a point here, except that I like things on my terms I like the ability to leave situations I no longer want to be a part of. And I guess it’s just another way to show how I can be really closed off sometimes.

I speak my mind, I act out, I talk way more then I should in details far more then necessary, but when it comes to my home, my private literal space I don’t just let anyone come through the door.

I like having emotional connections, memories and heartbreaks outside of my familiar: Outside of my comfort zone. My home (where ever that maybe) is that for me. It’s my space, my life, mine.

Anyways, maybe I need to get this bed some more action before I get a new one. Because in my old apartment if those walls could talk they’d skip right over me and go to the next tenant.  But this new place is all mine, so maybe I need to give it some character. But then again that would mean trusting a boy enough to have him in my home…hmmm….we’ll have to see.

Let me first say this:

Yes this happened. Believe me and the friend’s shoulders I’ve drunkenly cried on….this happened.

I have no idea when a switch happened, if the switched happened, how long something happened for or what have you all I know and remember are the words being whispered in my ear by him, and he wasn’t where I thought he was.

The aftermath……… (only so you’ll all stop emailing me, not cause I really want to hash back at this topic-guy!)

Two days later I get a text message: “I had a wonderful time can’t wait to see you again.”

I didn’t respond.

Three days later I get flowers at my office.  I don’t remember what the card said but something to the above.

Text message: “Would love to dinner tonight if you’re free?”

I responded:  ”I’m not interested but I’m sure you have someone else in your life who you can take!”

Stumpy: “ Oh that’s just NAME, we hang out a lot. She really liked you.”

NO RESPONSE

The next day.

Text message:  “Didn’t hear back from you. If you want to pick that girl that’s cool too, it doesn’t have to be NAME.”

AND THAT IS THE LAST I HEARD FROM HIM……

On a side note it forced me to take the stairs more at. work

SIDEBAR: This is also a story I’ve sat on for a while. I’ve struggled with on so many levels, but in the end putting it out there is always best, or not. But here we go *deep breath*

You, Me, and the Stump equals three! Part One and Two!

I had noticed Elevator-Hottie since I starting working in the building 5 months ago. Ok, I didn’t notice him I straight up stared and maybe drooled at him. This man was hot, and by hot I mean HAWT!

We always seemed to be stuck in the elevator together, most times alone no matter what time of the day.

I simply chalked this up to fate!

We had exchanged a few smiles back and forth (god he had great teeth) but other then that, he watched the elevator TV and I pretended to be doing something important on my phone while I checked out his hot ass in his nice suit!

I worked late that night and as I was leaving the office around 8pm, I clicked the down button.

The door opened and there stood his tall gorgeous frame. (If I were a guy I would’ve got an instant hard on)

He smiled. I quickly looked down at my phone.

Elevator-Hottie: Can I just say something?

I looked up, mouth open from shock and stared at his beautiful face. I did not say anything, I don’t think I even nodded, but may have turned bright red.

Elevator-Hottie: You’re gorgeous! I’d love to take you to dinner sometime, if you’d like and are available.

I keep staring, drool may or may not have fallen from my mouth.

“Ummmm…(What ever I said here was most definitely babble and I fear evening thinking about it. I’ve blocked it from my memory)”

Elevator-Hottie: Can I get your card?

“Umm…yeah…sure” I fumbled for a card.

Elevator-Hottie: “I always wondered what you did at ‘the magazine with boobies’……”

His voice trailed off as he got off the elevator. I was planted firmly in my place still in shock and awe from the fact he even talked to me. ME!?! Did he just ask me out? HE asked ME, (ME?!) out!?!

The elevator doors closed!

SIDEBAR: I am an idiot!

I press the button the doors open (as I am already on the first floor). I walk out he is gone and there is Tom my favorite of our night security desk guys. “Smooth, very smooth!” He says with a smile.

I blew it! I totally blew it! Oh well.

But I get a phone call that night, and it was Elevator-Hottie. Seriously, I was now staring to believe in this ‘fate’ stuff.

Our first date was to be an after work drink. Although in all honesty I didn’t go to work till the end of day cause I was picking out the perfect outfit, getting my hair just right, doing nails, and all the girl (yes sometimes I’m like that) stuff!

We had a seemingly perfect first date. We had great conversation, I didn’t get to drunk (a usual first date flaw on my part) we ended up grabbing dinner, all in all a great date. As we were saying our goodbyes he gave me a “had a great time” accompanied by a pat on the shoulder.

He hates me. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that third drink, maybe I talked to much, I probably swore to much, maybe it’s cause I made fun of him…..urg such is my life!

But he called me. And he kept calling me.

Now Elevator-Hottie was everything you’d want in a man, especially in a Manhattan man. Tall, unbelievable handsome, very well educated, good family, owned his own apartment with a park view (and not stand on the toilet  in the bathroom tilt your head kind of view, we’re talking a view!) He had great job, and he even a summer house.

Date number 12 rolls around and the most action I’ve gotten is a peck on the lips and a pat on the back hug. And a few flower arrangements sent to my office.

I mean come on, a girl cant wait forever. In my dating world 12 dates is pretty much an engagement! So you better pony up! I was so confused by the situation, and never been in one like this before. Plus, I like sex so I was alittle upset on that front too.

I was also struggling with him because as perfect on paper as he may have been. He really didn’t make me laugh. OK, I shouldn’t say that he was funny he would make any normal girl laugh alot. But I need and want a guy who makes me spit out my drink, maybe pee my pants just alittle bit laugh! (It’s a requirement)

My friends all pushed me towards the ‘perfect on paper’ and said to ignore the other details.

Oh right, I’m forgetting that one other detail. You see for all his great perfect on paper points, there’s one little thing he didn’t have.

One quality mister-perfect-elevator-hottie-on-paper was missing.

Actually, it was more of an appendage then a quality. You see Elevator-Hottie was missing his left leg below the knee. He had a prosthetic, no leg, a whatever you want to call it………There was no leg!

So I rationalized his lack of physical contact as a shyness of his stump.

Maybe it was all scared up and nasty! Maybe it was shaped funny. Maybe he was scared I’d want to lick it during foreplay.

All I knew was if he didn’t take my pants off on this our 14th date, it’s over.

Leg or no leg : Over!

I get a Text message: Instead, why don’t you come over and we’ll order in and watch a movie.

Thank you Jesus! Come over and watch a movie IS and has always been code for come over and have sex!

But now I was terrified. I frantically spent hours googling sex with one legged men, and so on. These results turned up nothing but scary porn, and creepy craigslist ads.

This was it. You see if the sex is amazing, I guess I can get over the lack of gut hurting laugher. Plus, I was starting to really like him. NowI was more nervous then excited.

I show up at his apartment. I walk in the door and he jumps me. Wow! Like throws me against the wall, jumps me.

Where did this guy come from?

Lips are intertwined, arms are throwing and ripping off clothes. This one legged Hottie was on a mission! And his mission was me!

We take this action into the bedroom. We’re doing it, and we’re doing it. Oh and we’re doing it! And it was really great. And did I mention the view of the park from the bedroom!? The whole thing was hot and amazing!

I’m in the moment. Really in the moment, and then he decides he wants to take a trip…downtown !

And as I lay there with my eyes closed enjoying his downtown adventure I hear a soft whisper in my ear.

“She’s good isn’t she.”

I look over. I look down. I look over. I look down. I look…I look DOWN!

And there between my legs is this mass of grey hair.

I jump back! So fast and hard I hit the headboard and the back of my head started to bleed.

There at the foot of the bed is this …..Old Lady.

Now not just old, we’re talking tales from the crept, old lady boobs to her knees, fucking Old Lady OLD!

As I’m picking up my stuff I’m speechless. More shocked then when he asked me out in the elevator. I kept looking at him and his perfect body his mouth was moving, something about it being ok, how he wants me to stay. I kept looking at her with her really not perfect body saying something about how he was right I am really pretty.

And I couldn’t say anything. Maybe it was just the surprise of it, maybe it was the feeling that I was pretty much just violated by an old woman, or maybe it’s because I hit my head so hard I was pretty sure I was dying of a brain bleed. I was shaking and in shock, and just wanting to leave.

As I ran out in my jacket, one shoe and holding everything else I came in with. I walked into the bar across the street asked where the bathroom was and said I was coming back for shots!

As I put my clothes on I held back tears. I don’t know why exactly, but I had never wanted to be more loved and cherished by a man then in that moment. It sounds odd I know, but all I could think was why couldn’t I meet a nice guy, why does every guy I meet need to be an asshole douchebag or a freak. Why won’t anyone ever just love me. What was wrong with me?

Because just when you think someone is perfect on paper you realize their grandmother is doing the book keeping from inside the closet, or under the bed, or wherever one hides a walking swinger of a corpse!

FACT: All guys are douchebags, and all girls are crazy bitches. ( I say this ALL the time, as my loyal readers know)

Why do guys have to be such douchebags? Even better, why do they have to hide their doucheiness under there ‘to good to be true’ exterior?

And then why when their douchebagery is exposed do girls have to turn crazy.

I hate douchey boys today, but I hate being a crazy bitch about it today even more.

That’s all.

My answer was basically “if you have to ask if I enjoyed it, I probably didn’t.

But it got me thinking about all my bedroom turnoffs. So in the only way I know how to approach these things, here is a list of just a few….

The Times I’ve Been Most Turned Off In Bed:

1. Exactly what is said above. Every time that question has been asked in bed it is pretty much been bad. But one time in particular sticks out the most. Let me just say, I didn’t even know we had started and he had already finished and was very prod of the fact he just may have blown my mind. Trust me if it’s good for me you will know!

2. We were laying there after the fact, maybe like 5 minutes or so. Actually scratch that, like less then a minute, he had just rolled over then he lifted his leg and farted. (This was the first time we had sex….and the last)

3. “Am I big?” Honey if you have to ask it isn’t big. Also if you draw my attention to it in that context, that is all I’m going to be thinking about the entire time as I compare you to every other one I’ve seen in my head.

4. Showering right after, and I mean right after! Is my sex sweat that gross that it can’t be on you for more then 5minutes?

5. Being told to leave right after. A lady always asks if you’d like to say, and a gentleman always invites one to stay. If you don’t invite me I’m leaving don’t worry. You don’t have to point to the door before I’ve even found my bra.

6. The fluid motion of removing clothing and putting on a condom. Some guys are pros at this. I truly believe someone teaches a class on it! I’m always in awe and shock and kind of discuss of this ability. They are undressed and protected in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t getting up and going anywhere, hold your horses for like 2minutes at least.

7. Do not; I repeat do not push my head down towards your region. I’m already making my way down there. You shoving my head down makes me not only want to Not do it, but do it with teeth!

8. Pinning me down and sweating all over me. Now I’m not saying you can’t pin me down. But if your a massive head and face sweater and I can’t move, I’m spending less time thinking about the moment and more time trying to not chock and be blinded by the salty waterfall pouring down on me!