Archive for the ‘i'm single’Category

let the games begin….

I was at a friends wedding a few months back. Her third wedding at 31. Which isn’t the issue here. In fact I don’t hold anything against people who have been divorce or married a ton I times. That is to say I don’t have an issue against certain people in this category. Some just need a good smack or an eye roll.

We have all been young and madly in love. We’ve all jumped into love and honestly sometimes I’m even a little jealous of people who go ‘Boom Bam’ in love…although that idea does terrify me and I’ve also become very cautious in my old age.

But back to my friend and the point I’m trying to make here.

The night before when I actually for the first time got to meet this new man of hers…. (Who is completely wonderful by the way). BUT I couldn’t help feeling like something was off about it. And as I spoke with another friend about it I ended up with this conclusion that I could be wrong about…what do I know.

I’ve decided some people especially those who have been married before do so again to almost prove a point.

In fact, I wouldn’t say this is just specific to marriage but a lot of people moving on from a major relationship.

Some of us put up walls higher then they were before ( * raises hand *) and then some of us jump head first into something they see as good enough to prove they can make a relationship work.

They can love and be loved and this time it will work.

In almost a “just you all watch” fashion.

And it is not always to prove it to the outside world like friend and family and onlookers but to almost in a sense prove it to themselves. Tell themselves they can be “normal” they can win the game of having and keeping a successful relationship.

They can win the game of white picket fences and all that stuff.

I mean to an extent don’t we all play that game. I won’t fall for any more assholes, I won’t date a liar again, I won’t this, I wont that…. and so on. All a game, and when you do start to date someone regardless of how much they lie or what have you we put on the illusion that they are better than the past, because we want to ‘win’.

And although I sit and shake my head I can’t help but almost cheer them on, because if all they want is a successful relationship then I cant be anything but supportive of that.

But if you want to play the game like that I better see you walking around with a blue ribbon pinned to your shirt, otherwise what was the point?!?


I’ve written a couple times about things I might want in a partner. It’s never been really serious (well except sometimes) but then I read all these blogs where they (girls) make lists about wanting a guy who is tall, and cooks dinner, and all those silly “I made a list of things I want” lists. You know those list of “ideals” or god forbid I use the term “deal breakers”

I’m a strong believer that when you predetermine ideals in a person you end up not only being disappointed but missing out on the truly wonderful things they might have to offer.

Sidebar: standards (aka deal-breakers) are different than ideals. A guy who doesn’t slap you around is a standard not an ideal….

I wrote a few posts about how I jokingly would fall head over heels with the first boy to ever really tell me I was beautiful. That wasn’t really an ideal but it was  ‘list worthy’.  And although, I did fall for that boy, it was never a true ideal.

However, I’ve come to the conclusion I actually do have one ideal. One simple ideal I want in someone. That one thing that will make me stop and think twice about the boy in question. Make me stop and go “hmm, there is something to this boy!” make me go “yup, you might just be a keeper”

And it seems oh so simple…

I want a boy who walks with me.

Walks beside me.

Walks with me.

Not ahead of me!

If I had a dollar for every time I said, “wait for me” as I’m walking down the sidewalk with (insert any boys name here) my accountant and I would be besties. And the fact that I’ve never been hit by a car while aimless following a boy into traffic as he’s 20 or so steps ahead of me blows my mind (considering I have indeed been hit by a car for other reasons) please note: I’m not a slow walker either.

When you get into a serious relationship with someone you sorta start to ignore this fact as well you’re both going some place, and usually know the direction you’re headed…literally. Unless you are upset about something then you really notcie when someone is walking ahead of you…and it feels so lonely.

But I don’t think I’ve ever been on a date where a guy has walked with me or beside me.  And not cause there was sidewalk traffic or what have you. Simply, because he just wasn’t walking with me.

Now I don’t mean hold my hand or arm around me walking. That is different and that isn’t what I’m taking about.  I’m talking somewhat silent just going for a walk kind of walking. The now lets go to the place on the corner kind of walking.

For that kind of walking I want someone to walk beside me.

About a month ago I meet a guy with friends and after he and I were headed for ‘one last drink’ afterwards and as we were about 3 blocks from our destination  I sort of said ‘wait a minute’ as I quickly pulled flats from my bag and switched from my heels (note: not because my feet hurt or I cant walk in heels, it was because it was starting to rain and my heels were suede) And although we continued our ‘getting to know you’ conversation with him a good 3-4 feet ahead of me as I was changing shoes. When I finished, I  even put a little skip in my (newly in flats) step and I still never caught up with him as we continued to walk and talk… And for a split second I thought to my self  “Stop. Say good night. Turn around. Go home.” But of course I didn’t because I knew he wasn’t trying to make a good impression on me, he was only going for making an impression.

And then a few weeks back I went on a very nice date that was going very well and as we went to make a location change and we walked about 6 blocks I noticed as he was a good foot or two ahead of me and he had to turn back to say ‘it’s right there on the corner’ and in a flash he crossed the street because there was a break in traffic and I was left standing waiting for the light to change. And my very good date went got downgraded to a “mesh”.

And it might sounds silly, or strange, or like I’m being one of those “list-making girls” but I’ve decided. I’m declaring it from the mountaintops, “ I want a boy who walks beside me”

Because if you walk beside me it means you want to walk with me. And isn’t that what we all want? Just someone to walk through life with?

So, just a simple ideal.

A simple thing that maybe one day I’ll check of my list.  (it’s the only thing on the list)

it’s the little things….

In every relationship there are those little things we bring to the table that just might irk our partner in some way.  You know what I’m talking about, those things that we all do that seem to drive the other person a little batty regardless of how much “love” they have for you.

My ex used to get into bed and sleep in his pants if he was too tired or drunk or most likely too lazy to bother taking them off. (He’s probably the only person on the face of the earth who has said they like sleeping in jeans) I hate nothing more than dirty pants in bed or feet or socks. Bothers me to know end! I seem to recall a few past instances of me throwing a little hissy as I grabbed clean blankets and slept on the couch because now my bed was infected with dirty pants and shoe grossness.  BUT these aren’t the types of things I’m talking about.

I’m not taking about the stuff that infuriates. I’m talking about those little things you do almost on purpose because you know it bothers the other person. When you do that thing to drive someone ‘crazy’ in a humorous manner to provoke and almost fight (if you can even call it that) which ends up with you both sorta giggling cause you just can’t help it.

Do you know what I’m talking about?  Maybe it’s making a joke at the others expense about some old nick name, or always bring up an old incident that you know you shouldn’t but you can’t help it…

My Bestest Pal and I were talking about this topic while on holiday last week. Her dad called half and half creamer “arf and arf” (just like a dog sound) and it would driver her mother crazy. Every morning when he’d make her coffee he’d ask if she wanted “arf and arf” Every morning! Even though he knew she hated it and he knew she’d give him a hate glare and maybe start yelling, but in the end they’d end up laughing.

My patents (my mother is dying somewhere if she knew this was about to go public) have theirs over toilet paper. Yes Toilet Paper, or as my dad calls it (wait for it) Bum Wipe. Yup “bum wipe.” My mother dies inside every time he says it and they have this little argument back and forth until they both are giggling over of all things toilet paper. (some times it’s been big arguments, a few times she threw plates)

I have these funny little memories of him writing “bum wipe” on groceries lists on the kitchen counter and laughing to himself, as he’d leave the house in the morning.

Of his yelling from the bathroom “honey we are out of bum wipe!” and her yelling “you need bum wipe I’ll give you your bum wipe!!” as she’d chuck roll after roll into the bathroom slam the door in a huff and puff but be giggling as she walked away. Or being in a place like Costco and having him be like “ohhh look at how cheap this bum wipe is” and her yelling his name and hushing him while she turned red from embarrassment as he’d hug her and they would giggle. My dad is the only person who can get away with saying bum wipe in our house; my brother and I both learned that lesson the hard way.

It’s like an inside joke and a way to let out frustration and to make a joke at someone’s expense all rolled into pretty packaged tied with a “I love you regardless of anything you do!” string.

Who would think one day I’d say to myself I want that. I want a relationship where we have our own “bum wipe”. It sounds so perfectly dysfunctional and amazingly imperfect…. I just don’t want mine to be over toilet paper.

all we need is what we don’t have…

I have been thinking about something for a while now. Haven’t really found the right way to fully express it or even digest it, but as always I have found myself writing about it on different levels and platforms…so here comes the blog post.

A little while back my “family” lost someone important. I use family in quotation marks not to give it less meaning but because it’s not really family in the traditional sense. My best friend in the entire world lost her mother, and the world lost one of the most amazing people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing (also the best veggie pizza maker in the universe!)

Although my trip home wasn’t under the best circumstances I felt recharged in the friendship I share with my bestest pal after I came home. We hadn’t seen in other in over a year…the longest we have ever gone, but although the trip might be seen as sad we spend more time just talking and laughing and drinking and just enjoying someone who is a true friend and part of your “family”.

But there was one thing that made me sad. And made me feel helpless about that trip.  As I sat in the family section at the front of the tiny church holding my best friends hand a tear ran down my face not for any reason I would have thought.

A few nights prior she asked me to sit in the family section because “I don’t have anyone else” I made some comment about how she had her dad and her sister and all that, and she said something that struck some kind of strange cord. “Yeah but it’s just not the same.” She went on a little bit about how her sister had her husband, and how being single at this time sucked. I of course blew it off and said I understood but at the time I didn’t.  Maybe because every time I could remember off the top of my head feeling like I was alone with out a ‘partner’ was when something happened when I was actually in a relationship…but that’s another story.

So I sat in the pew holding my friends hand as she trembled and held back tears. As any one knows when those you love cry you cry with them, but for a split section I looked over and saw her sisters husband kiss her forehead, and in that moment I felt like my hand holding and smiles or side eyes in hopes of cracking a smile when the minister stuttered weren’t enough.  I felt like a terrible friend, because what she wanted on even some small superficial bases if one can even call it that I couldn’t give her. I couldn’t make myself go away and be replaced with a man who loves you and holds you and takes care of you. I couldn’t be that love of your life that makes all your problems seem to drift away or knows just what to say.

There for a split moment all I wished for was the ability to give my best friend love. Love in the form of a boyfriend. It sounds so strange when I write that now. Mostly because from as far back as I can remember I’ve always wanted to give her things. From silly things like the skills of making a proper right hand turn (she’s gotten better but only a little bit), to the most serious of things like an giving her an organ.

FACT: If you aren’t an organ donor we can’t be friends!

But since then I’ve been telling myself I was being silly, that wishing I could give someone a ‘boyfriend’ is just silly in its self. But when you know wonderful amazing people, and let me tell you my best friend is the most amazingly funny and giving person you could ever have the pleasure of meeting, but when you know these people all you want is for them to be happy.

It’s made me have less resentment for friends who have sent me out on terrible bad blind dates. Because maybe deep down they just want me to have someone. Because when you really need someone and you don’t have someone there to do a simple thing like hold your hand it changes the game emotionally and wears on your almost physically.

I don’t know I’ve just been thinking about this a lot, about when it’s really hard to be alone. Like I said most of the times in my life when I felt I really needed someone in terms of a ‘partner’ I was actually in a relationship and they just well, for lack of a better term were not there for me.

But last week I was thinking about 8 or so months back. Single me sitting in a room hearing a doctor say that very bad 6 letter C word…. and even when you know you are strong on your own, and you don’t need anyone to tackle life, it really would be nice to just have that person you can cuddle up with, cry, and have them kiss away your tears.

But then again, what do I know……..

the sign reads stupid…

I went on a date the other night. You all know where this is going….I’m going to go “ahh worst date ever!” and “I’m so done with boys”  But I’m not going to do that because it was a pretty nice date.

But I am going to say “ I can’t date stupid!”

Anyways…. So this guy had just moved to the city. Like arrived in the city a week before our date. Now I was kind of thrown by this. He hadn’t mentioned this, and I’m pretty sure he first checked out my profile before moving. I don’t trust someone who is in the middle of moving and then needs to go on a date asap. Enjoy the new city you’ve landed in, experience it on your own, don’t take away from this amazing time in your life by trying to add someone else to the mix……also the last thing someone wants to do on a date is play tour guide and tell you all the cool things you must do.

So after an hour or so of talking I had figured out his humor style. I like to think I’m very good at doing this, I can gage pretty quickly what someone finds funny, what’s too much, how they tell jokes, when they are being sarcastic and what have you. This is mainly because I want to be funny most of the time, so I need to know what I can say around people and still get laughs. Anyways, this boy had a sense of humor, yes, but it was always very apparent when he was telling a joke, or being sarcastic.

So we are leaving the place we had a wonderful drink at and we are walking to the subway and we pass a Duane Reade (I’m sure we might have passed two cause they are on every corner in NYC)

And he says  “you know that store was a real disappointment for me when I first went in.”

“really? They’re usually pretty solid.”

“well I thought they were book stores.”

“excuse me?”


“Are you serious?!”

“I mean it’s spelt a little strange but I thought it was a choice.”

“You are completely serious?!”

“Yeah….does that make me sound stupid?”

“Umm… yeah it really does”