The Lost Plum…

Walking through SoHo this morning I smiled and said  ”hello” pleasantries with about 7 street vendors. (Jasper who sells his jewelry stuff told me I looked good, Carly likes my new hair colour…John liked my tshirt, ect.)

At the corner where I was stopped, a small group of tourists tapped me on the shoulder and asked,

“Wow you’re really nice to the street people.”

“Yeah, I never would expect you to want to draw attention to yourself.”

I smiled and didn’t really say anything. So I know all the street vendors in SoHo by name, whatever! (that’s another story)

“Would you mind if we got a picture with you”

I put my hand out to take their picture.

(Laugh) “No with you!”

PLUM: “Umm…with me?”

I say in my ever sexy raspy voice cause I have this cough which has sucker punched my throat a few to many times.

“Yes”

“Yeah”

“Yeah”

“Please”

PLUM: ” I guess, sure.”

They ask someone on street to take our picture.  And then express their gratitude and pleasantly go on their way discussing how cool/nice I am “in person”

Now I might have $900 sunglasses on and a gym bag that shouldn’t be used as a gym bag, but other then that I’m pretty sure no “famous” person has an ass the size of mine.

(reason #___why I’m single: It’s hard to find a guy who can understand and put up with my fans, and the paparazzi)

FACT: I don’t want to know which celebrities have an ass like mine, so don’t tell me!

SIDEBAR: I was coming from the gym, which 1/3 of was a bad idea because of the bronchial infection and 2/3 was a bad idea because I’m out of shape!

Was out the other night with a fellow blogger and my homesicle* Tom. And as you can imaging the topic went from PG-what’s-new to talking about penis slapping people in the face (the only thing I totally regret not including here!) So, Tom in all his foolery informs me that apparently guys like to just throw their penis out there. (Well he said “some guys” I don’t want to put words in him mouth)

It got me thinking. (As I so often do on my train rides home)

So… here is a list of the Top 5 “oh wow, that’s your penis right there” moments, feel free to comment about your own personal ones:

Take Me For a Ride ~ Going home one night (about 4 years ago) on a crowded #1 train the guy standing in front of me (I was sitting) unzipped and pushed his limp penis threw his fly, which slowly grew in front of me…….

Model Love ~ that model guy from almost a year ago who was way to dumb and way to young for me, took me to dinner. A very very nice dinner, at a very nice place. He excused him self to use the restroom and then,

Model: I found something in the bathroom you may like.

Un model like me: I highly doubt that (laughing)

Model guy then removes his hand which is resting near his belt buckle and pocking up from his pants right above his belt and in front of his tucked in shirt is his little friend saying hello.

Take That ~In University, my friend ‘TSS’ and ‘S-Collins’ were in the student lounge with me. ‘TSS’ said something that most likely poked funny at “S-Collins” (I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember us laughing our asses off) And then next thing I know is he has his pants around his ankles in front of her, Takes his penis and slapped her across the face with it. (The laughing stopped for a moment; we lifted our jaws off the floor and continued to laugh even harder)

I’ll Just Keep Driving ~ I was driving back home late from a cousins wedding (has to be like 7 years ago) and had taken a good friend from University as my date. He took full advantage of the free bar, and on the drive home we are talking and then I look over and he’s trying to fit his penis into the tip of a water bottle, cause he had to pee. (He then proceeded to climb into the backseat and try to pee out the window as I was driving on the highway, but that’s another story)

#1 is Where It’s At – It was about two years ago, middle of August, and one of those balls-ass-kill-me-now-nyc summer days! Sitting on the #1 train, which had about 20 people in the car. I notice out of the corner of my eye the man sitting across from me doing something. I take a closer look, and yup there he is masturbating. It proceeded to become one full on masturbating session (this guy really had to work that out, we’re talking moans people) No one really did anything or said anything (besides not sit right next to him) It was defiantly one of those NYC summer moments where you’ll put up with anything on the train cause its got Air-Conditioning and the other option is death.

SIDEBAR: A homesicle is usually used to describe a “homie” that lives with you…Tom does not live with me or vise versa…..(I mean it more like a tom-popsicle…..but not in a dirty way.)

FACT: If you aren’t reading Tom’s foolery over at YOURTANGO, you are missing out!  Case and Point.

Midtown NYC! Yes, drives me a little batty every time I walk through it, but I will say my skills in the “weaving” department are rivaled by many.  However, there is a time when Midtown is the worst place on earth…..(this is where the drummer boys roll their drums) The HOLIDAY SEASON! It’s like every other place in the world decided to take a big ‘Christmas Poo’ on the city.

The following conversation happened today between me and a lady in a bright purple and pink ski jacket.

“Excuse me”

“It’s a don’t walk sign”

“I didn’t ask you to walk, I’d just would like you to move, please”

She gave me a good “hmph” and rolled her eyes and said to her friend,

“New Yorkers are crazy, look she’s just walking across the street………..”

 SIDEBAR:  ”christmas poo’ is a SouthPark reference, and if you didn’t at least know that in the back of your head we can never be friends.

Four reasons/incidents why I may need a new tuque! (or hat, or stocking-cap, or whatever you want to call it… I CALL IT A TUQUE!)

All the following events happened today; before 1pm, and are not listed in chronological order.

Reason#1:

Scene: At the laser place this morning while booking my next appointment/getting ready to leave.

Me: (putting on my tuque)
Laser Chick at Desk: I like your hat, my daughter would love it.
Laser Dude at Desk: How old is your daughter?
Laser Chick: (to him) She’s 4! (to me) So we’ll see you again on the 2nd. Did you remember your underwear? *see giggles*

sidebar: I forgot my underwear once. Once! And I remembered it when I was in the elevator, and I went back for it….yet they think its the funniest thing ever! Those tall skinny European hairless chicks making jokes at my expense…I hate them.

Reason#2::

Scene: In Crate & Barrel, just looking at stuff.

Me: (looking at pillows)
Random Guy: I have those on my sofa.
Me: They are very nice.
Random Guy: Maybe you and your cute little hat want to come see how they look outside of the store sometime.
Me: My cute little hat doesn’t really like field trips.
Random Guy: *Laughs with a snort* (no joke)
Me: Yeah…*sigh*… (walk away)

Reason#3:

Scene: Walking across 59th from 5th towards Columbus Circle/Whole Foods to buy a salad and a fruit. Passing all the carriage ride guys/horses 

Me: (walking)
Horse Guy: Are you interested in a carriage…
Me: No, thank you. (as I walk past him)
Horse Guy: (turns around follows me) I like your hat! It looks great on you.
Me: Thank you.
Horse Guy: Do you salsa dance?
Me: No, I don’t like social situations.
Horse Guy: It doesn’t have to be social.
Me: Well I don’t like people in general.
Horse Guy: What if I give you a carriage ride for free.
Me: I can’t right now I’m on my way to a tea party.
Horse Guy: Well I…… (I’m not sure what else he said cause he stopped walking and I kept going)

Reason#4:

Scene: Walking along 59th I decide to go into Sarabeth and make a reservation for next week, rather then call, cause I’m walking right by it. Inside Sarabeth.

Me: (just finishing making my reservation, turn around to leave)
Mysterious Man: Excuse me miss.
Me: Pardon? (I look and probably made a strange face)
Mysterious Man: I just wanted to say I like your stocking-cap.
Me: What? Oh, my tuque! Thank you. (as I touch my head)
Mysterious Man: Tuque! *laughs a hardy laugh* I guess you could call it that. 
*awkward pause*
Mysterious Man: Do you like mine?
Me: Excuse me?
Mysterious Man: My Hat!
Me: Yeah, it’s very……..You!
Mysterious Man: *hardy laugh as he throws his head back…picture Samuel L. Jacksons hardy laugh)
Me: Well bye.
Mysterious Man: *tips his hat to me*
Me: *tip my hat or try too*
Mysterious Man: *laughs a hardy Samuel L. Jackson type laugh again*

Side Bar: The Mysterious Man all in black laughs like Samuel L. Jackson because well it was Samuel L. Jackson!!

I went to an early holiday party last night. Sure, I had a few to drink but I’m usually always pretty good at being aware of my surroundings and situations.  So I’m leaving the Upper East Side, and heading over to meet “Mr. Hilary” at his place.  I get in my cab, and tell him where I am going 96^th and Bway.

We’re driving.

My cab driver starts to talk, sometimes I can be into this, but most of the time especially at 11pm I’m not up for a conversation.  He starts asking if I’ve ever seen certain movies.  I don’t remember the first three or four he asked. Most of them I think I said a simple no or yes answer. 

Then he asked if I’ve ever seen the movie Closer.  I say yes, and said something along the lines about it being a better play. 

Cab Driver: “Oh yeah, is there still lots of striping in the play.” (or something like that)

Me: “ I guess so.”

(I was  getting a kind of creaped-out feeling…but hadn’t remembered all of our conversation up to this point)

Cab Driver: “Have you ever seen Sent of a Woman”

Me: “No.” (of course I had seen it but he was defiantly a creepy guy)

Cab Driver: “Oh it’s a great movie, very sexy.”

Me:  “I guess I’ll have to look into it.”

We are driving through the park and he turn to go up town.  I think for a minute, did I tell him the right street or did I space out and tell him to take me home to 112^th.

Me: “ I need to go to 96^th and Bway.”

Cab Driver: “No you don’t.”

Me: “ Umm..yeah I do. That’s where my boyfriend and I live.”  (of course he’s not my bf, and of course we don’t live together)

Cab Driver:  “ You have a boyfriend? Does he have a big penis? Can he sexually please you?”

Me:  “Umm…I can actually even get out at this corner too.”

I’m starting to freak a little bit. He just pass 106^th…..if he doesn’t turn by 110th, I’m jumping out! I’m seriously, just jumping out.  I take off my shoes, and place my hand on the door handle.

Cab Driver:  “ Have you ever made love to an Egyptian man?”

Me: (silent)

Cab Driver:  “ We are the best lovers in the world. You will love it.  You’re boyfriend can’t be Egyptian…(I didn’t get everything he said after I was watching stop lights and where we were more then listening by now)

He hit 109-RED LIGHT!

With my shoes in my purse, I jumped out of that cab, and slammed the door quicker then I can even fathom.  And ran faster then you can believe all the way to “Mr. Hilary” at 96th. And we headed to the emergency room.  I got a cut on my foot, which needed two stitches.

FACT: I will never date or even give any guy who is Egyptian the time of day now solely based on this experience.