The Lost Plum…

Remember Dating Boot Camp? Seems like forever ago, wait you already forgot about it. Well then, let’s pull out some information/advice I was taught back out there.

SIDEBAR: Notice that I said taught not learned.

We talked about dates and what to do and not to do on a date, it was called “dating” boot camp.  One ‘tip’ I never touched on had to deal with things you never do on a first date. Now one of their listed items had to do with things you say. And how you never say too much, never give away too much information about yourself. Tell interesting facts about yourself that leave someone wanting more, not running for the door.

Running for the door topics might include:

- My healer thinks I need to…

- I want to have babies, lots of babies.

- I’m not legally allowed to…

- My therapist says I….

(And so on)

But then there was a point made that I have a little issue with. Now we can all agree there are things you shouldn’t say on a first date, or even a 10th date. But Dating Boot Camp taught me that there are always things that stay locked away “in the vault forever”, that certain “skeletons should always stay in the closet” even if you’re married.

So here is my issue. Yes we all have secrets and we all have issues. I don’t need to know every little detail about you, your past, or anything, but you better ass believe if I’m going to do something like marry you I better be made aware of any skeletons.

How does this advice lend its self to a relationship built on trust?  How can one fully trust someone when there are secrets and an actual “vault”?

Our pasts make up who we are, and what we bring to a relationship. People who don’t talk about past relationships when they get into a new one always floor me. Or even worse refuse to talk about them. A friend told me about how her boyfriend doesn’t want to hear about any past relationship she has been in, “as far as I’m concerned you were a virgin when I meet you”, and he refuses to discuss his past too.

But see how one interacts in a relationship is directly related to how we have been treated and acted in the past.

My closet of skeletons is pretty small, and I usually don’t give my vault combo to just anyone, but when I do it’s because I’m with someone I trust and respect. More importantly I trust them to show me the same respect.

I mentioned the other day how I’ve been finding notes on my phone that I took during Dating Boot Camp.  Well, I’m back with another little snippet.

Every woman needs to (apparently) manage their date. And on top of that learn to manage the date, period. Now we aren’t talking the ‘guy’ or person you are on a date with.  We are talking about the actual date, ie. the event.

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to manage a date. In fact, I want a date to be open for interpretation, full of nice surprises (not these type of surprises), and always open for an adventure at hand.

Do people really walk into first dates with a play-by-play in hand? Where is the excitement? Where is the enjoyment in that?

No one should be the disciplinary figure on a date…..well at least not till later on!

(reason #___why I’m single: I just like going with the flow)

I talked the other day about notes I make/leave on my cell phone. I forced myself to do a good clean up on my phone. In doing so I found notes or “snippets” I had from boot camp, most of which I have yet to address.

So, let me indulge you on another piece of knowledge I’ve learned via Dating Boot Camp. The topic was things NOT to do in bed. I’ve already talked about a few of these before but I forgot about this morsels:

Laughing. Do not laugh in bed.

Now, at first one may think that this means no laughing at the guy’s package, or hairy chest, or what have you. However, this is actually for all laughter. Never laugh in bed. Period. Apparently, guys are very self-conscious (and the ladies are too) and any sign of laughing automatically makes them think you are laughing AT them.

Back the clown car up a minute!

I get that we are all self-conscious, about our bodies and then some. But no laughing! There are two worlds I don’t want to live in: The one with out sex, and the one without laughter.

I don’t think I’m alone in this, but laughing in bed is a turn on. Sex is fun, awkward, ridiculous, and is simply a great time to giggle, laugh and make fun of the situation. The say laughter is the best medicine, and they are right! Laughter is contagious and in a sense lets us let lose.

We’ve all had those shirts caught on our heads, hands tangled in hair, bras not coming undone, that’s right I’m not wearing underwear, zips not working, belt buckle mishaps, and I’m tick-a-lish moments!

As awkward as some of these moments maybe we can all admit they are funny, and there is nothing wrong with laughing. Laughter tells someone are enjoying the moment, and having a good time.

We aren’t five years old anymore, no one laughs and points fingers at someone else flaws.

So jump in bed (or someplace else) roll around and laugh! It’s ok to do it, I promise!

SIDEBAR: Laughter increases your life span (this is a proven study) so why wouldn’t you want to increase your sex life. Just saying!

(reason #___why I’m single: I’ve listed cleanup/sort blackberry notes to my calendar every month)

Was out with my ‘bra’s’ Simone and Tom last night. (Do you read their blogs? Umm….cause you should!) We started talking about emails we all get in regards to people asking for ‘relationship’ advice.

Now, they get more advise emails then I do, by far.  BY far!  And this doesn’t surprise me. First off, my male readership is larger then my female readership, and well, it takes a lot for guys to just come out and ask for advice. (in my opinion) Second off, as my mother would put it:

MamaPlum:  You don’t give relationship advice on that silly blog of yours do you?

Me: No! (laughing)

MamaPlum:  Good! You’re the last person who should be giving relationship advice!

After our discussion last night, I went back through my email inbox, and pulled out some of the ‘advise’ questions.  So here are 3 advise emails.  Broken down, and then my two sense!

Three stellar moments of dating/relationship/love/sex advise from Miss. LostPlum:

Q: “My girlfriend doesn’t seem to like blowing me….I don’t get how….what can I do….”

A: Is your penis smaller then average? No disrespect, but speaking from a personal stand point. I love to go down on a guy, unless the package isn’t that appetizing! In which case  I’ll pass! I’d rather be sucking on your cock, then stuck not being able to breath someplace lost between your sweaty thighs, ball hair, and stomach (just saying). If that isn’t the case, and if it means a lot to you bring it up, and/or walk away. Being able to sexually satisfy each other is a major part of any relationship.  (Also, who doesn’t like doing that? Really?)

Q: Your dating bootcamp….is there such a thing for guys…I need that…what about pickup men…suggest.

A: Well dating boot camp that I did was hosted by Matt/Tamsen who do offer services for males, but I can’t speak for their effectiveness or even the program.If you are looking for a pickup/wingman service let me point you towards The Art of Charm guys.  Again, I can’t speak directly for their effectiveness, but out of the ‘wingman/pickup artists’ services, they are by far the least douche-baggy one out there, and even better check out their Pick Up Pod Cast (I enjoy them!) OR even better go out, be yourself, and smile!

Q: When you….condoms….what is your favorite condom…cool to know what chicks think.

A: Condoms, condoms, condoms! Well the best thing about sex is trying out different types of condoms. Try them out, take them for a test ‘run’, and figure out what works out best for you…or even better what your ‘friend’ likes.

On the last session of Dating Boot Camp something Matt said was interesting to me. He said that guys think about the negatives when it comes to past relationships while girls think about the positives. So basically, girls remember how nice it was to have a man buy them things, take them out, hold them, and tell them they love them, yada yada yada… While guys just remember when we turned into the crazy-soon-to-be-ex-psycho-bitch!

Am I doing something wrong? I’m starting to think my penis really is hiding down there somewhere! I don’t reminisce about the good things about being in a relationship. Sure I’ll admit it’s nice to have one/ be in one…but hold the horses for a minute, cause my bads outweigh the goods. And in fact, I think all single girls bads out weigh the goods. See women-girls-the female sex in general I think are more forgiving, more apt to put up with “crap” from a relationship.  

I don’t have a statistic to put here but in my scientific-guess-estimation (I did take 2 university physics class so I’m totally qualified to do so)

86.5% of women will stay in a relationship with the wrong guy while only 17.92% of men will!

We might “think” about the good because we block the bad, but “reminisce” about it, I highly doubt this!  If we wanted to stay in that relationship we would have. Women can be push over’s like that (now granted this doesn’t account for being dumped, but even then why spend thinking about that douche-bag)

Every guy I meet I’ll automatically pick out why he is or isn’t my type. “IS” equals as my friends so delicately put it, “an asshole-douche-bag-prick” and “IS NOT” my type equals “something has to be wrong with this guy!” (And the something wrong usually ends up being they are an asshole-douche-bag-prick)

Now I’ve had some great relationships and meet some of my bestest friends by dating them first, however, I always lean towards the negatives when I think of relationships. I don’t seek them out in hopes of recreating a “nice” feeling I’ve had in the past. Hell no! I always think the negative first…

My top 5 ‘negative’ thoughts I have about men….

1- He will cheat on me. Period!  (I don’t have to go into this…it has happened EVERY time)

2 – Date nights will turn into “come to my place lets have sex” (This is only negative in the sense that I do like to go out….sex is never a negative, well except for….)

3 – Sex will probably be bad. (I’m not hard to please in the end, but “this guy” probably isn’t going to rock my world, in fact, he probably wont)

4- He’s broken! (If he’s single he’s probably been broken by some girl….the bitch-ex-psycho, who I will then have to hear about all the time)

5- He going to get to serious way to fast….(I’m not looking to lay down roots anytime soon, but in between the douches I end up finding the “lets get married even though I just meet you” guys)

 (reason #___why I’m single: I’m always looking for the negatives)