No seriously I’m not interested…
So every Sunday I give you a taste from the four plus notebooks I have filled with bad pick up lines that men have actually used on me.
Let’s face it we all find ourselves in situations with the opposite sex (and same sex) that are less than ideal. The retched being picked up or should I say attempt at being picked up is always a circumstance I dread. However, after years of practice I’ve found some interesting and straight up nasty ways of getting that man who has attached himself to me to leave.
SIDEBAR: Those who know me are always shocked when I pull these out of the bag of tricks, because I’m always the nice one who will politely talk to the creepy boy and make a nice and descent exit, however, sometimes you can’t hold back.
6 Excuses I have used to get out of talking to a guy (or ways to get him to leave you alone!)
1. When he asks you what kind of drink you want and insists he buys you one even after you’ve made it clear you don’t want one you come up with a disgusting drink concoction. This concoction should include two types of alcohol and orange soda if possible. My personal favorite is Jamison, Greygoose, orange soda, and bitters. When he asks if it’s good you say: “ No, but it gets me angry drunk, and that’s what I’m going for tonight!
2. Put a ring on it! Yes girls do take rings off their other fingers turn them around and make them look like wedding rings so they can tell guys they are married. However, this doesn’t always work, but when you tell him you are married, make sure you say it’s to a woman. Guys are fascinated by lesbians, but for some reason they get turned off by married lesbians.
3. Pretend you are deaf. This only works when you are alone, and not sitting with headphones on. I have on more than one occasion pretended I couldn’t hear on the subway when some creepy man has started to talk to me. I also do a great ‘deaf speak’ of “ I can’t hear” with the sign language followed by a smile and a look away. This should not be confused with not speaking English. Guys get turned on by the idea of you not speaking English, but no one wants to be the creep hitting on the deaf girl.
4. When at a bar ask the guy if he came with any female friends. When he asks why, or says yes. Ask if he thinks they might have a tampon cause you’re bleeding through them like crazy. They run faster than Moses parted the red sea.
5. Start to dry heave and excuse yourself. Only at a small house party gathering will you maybe encounter the guy who will follow you and want to hold your hair, otherwise they’re done with you. Starting to pick your nose also works very well, as long as you get right up in there.
6. When they ask for your number say it’s better if they give you theirs because you wont be availed for a while. Tell them your doctors says you shouldn’t be having sex until 5 days after this cycle of medication you’re on is finished.
The read sea comment made me drive heave! HA HA
You are brilliant! Simply Brilliant! I can’t wait to try some of these. The drink one is great, no one likes the angry drunk.
YES YES YES I would run away from any of the following. So I guess since I’m a guy this is the perfect list for women who want to stop my advances. Even though I’m not a creep at least thats what my mother says. great post kiddo.
Dear Lord these are amazing #4 and #1 are the best and I’ll try them out, and let you know if they work :D
You! are awesome sauce.
I also hate being hit on. Come talk politely to me, darlin, but don’t hit on me.
My fave thing I ever did to get rid of a guy: he had his hand on the small of my back (and who said he could do that?) and was all with the smarm and the lines. So I told him he was invading my personal space and, “just because you find me insanely attractive, does not give you the right to touch me.” He was so confused, he just walked away.
johnnytheG — you prove my point!
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jenifer — yup guys hat the idea of an angry drunk girl. To be fair everyone hates the idea of an angry drunk!
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peterfrank — Thanks! And I think your mom might be right!
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Lori– Def let me know how they work out for you!
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Andygirl — Thanks for your first comment! OH I love that ‘insanely attractive line, I’m stealing that!
Wow… #4. Just… wow.
In my single days I’d have no problem hitting on a drunk, deaf, sick, lesbian, married girl though. ahhhhh, the glory years.
Haha I’ve actually done some of these before. The lesbian one kind of backfired on me.
I’ve always been one to get the point and exit gracefully, but when I was in my twenties I had a line for women who were particularly snotty or mean in their refusal. It only works in a loud club environment.
Me: “Would you like to dance?”
Her: “Not in a million years.”
Me: “You misheard me. I said you look fat in your pants.”
This is one of those all-time genius blog posts. I’d pick one of the six out but every single one was class. Except four, which was disgusting. Great work, Plum.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
#4 is just plain mean.
All this being said, how does a guy manage to approach you without being creepy? I suppose that at a bar (or on the bus, which seems weird in general), most of those guys are going by looks only; however, what if a guy is actually genuinely interested, how does he approach you without seeming creepy and getting told that you’re having a particularly heavy time-of-the-month? I know that there are cases where one can’t approach someone else, because they are uninterested in meeting other people period. But it seems silly to just completely ignore someone who could potentially be a great friend just because they said “hi” to you on the bus. Though I assume you’re only using these on guys who say something a little more than “hi”.
Also, with #3, what if the guy knows sign language?
I can’t wait to translate all these into French! I’ll keep you posted on how it works in Paris ;)
hahahahaha
You are officially my hero.
This is amazing.
I think you meant “decent,” not “descent.”
The lesbian one I have used as well, but it can backfire pretty easily. If you are in a gay bar, do NOT forget where you are and use that one! LOL