Turn it off…
My lovelies Nando and Nate and I were discussing the topic of turn-offs in bed a few months back.
My answer was basically “if you have to ask if I enjoyed it, I probably didn’t.
But it got me thinking about all my bedroom turnoffs. So in the only way I know how to approach these things, here is a list of just a few….
The Times I’ve Been Most Turned Off In Bed:
1. Exactly what is said above. Every time that question has been asked in bed it is pretty much been bad. But one time in particular sticks out the most. Let me just say, I didn’t even know we had started and he had already finished and was very prod of the fact he just may have blown my mind. Trust me if it’s good for me you will know!
2. We were laying there after the fact, maybe like 5 minutes or so. Actually scratch that, like less then a minute, he had just rolled over then he lifted his leg and farted. (This was the first time we had sex….and the last)
3. “Am I big?” Honey if you have to ask it isn’t big. Also if you draw my attention to it in that context, that is all I’m going to be thinking about the entire time as I compare you to every other one I’ve seen in my head.
4. Showering right after, and I mean right after! Is my sex sweat that gross that it can’t be on you for more then 5minutes?
5. Being told to leave right after. A lady always asks if you’d like to say, and a gentleman always invites one to stay. If you don’t invite me I’m leaving don’t worry. You don’t have to point to the door before I’ve even found my bra.
6. The fluid motion of removing clothing and putting on a condom. Some guys are pros at this. I truly believe someone teaches a class on it! I’m always in awe and shock and kind of discuss of this ability. They are undressed and protected in the blink of an eye. I wasn’t getting up and going anywhere, hold your horses for like 2minutes at least.
7. Do not; I repeat do not push my head down towards your region. I’m already making my way down there. You shoving my head down makes me not only want to Not do it, but do it with teeth!
8. Pinning me down and sweating all over me. Now I’m not saying you can’t pin me down. But if your a massive head and face sweater and I can’t move, I’m spending less time thinking about the moment and more time trying to not chock and be blinded by the salty waterfall pouring down on me!
You know I just threw up in my mouth thinking about #8.
Number five is the only one I’m guilty of. Well, on a regular basis anyway. This is my favourite post of yours for ages. Oh, and my biggest turn off in bed? Dirty ears. Uch.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater – One Man’s Dating Diary*
iamalejandra — It make me throwup in my nose!
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Fishy — In ages? What are you saying there;) I’m kidding. Number 5 can be said, just don’t say it as the climax to the climax. give it a few seconds. Also Dirty ears is a turn off in and OUT of bed….eww!!
HHAAAHA! I always try to get better at the clothes off and condom on #6.
great post plum plum!
you always make me laugh. this is one of your best posts!
I really love your blog. so glad you seem to be back at writing almost daily. this is my first comment. I just had to say that I think you are on point with #7 the two times I made this mistake with ladies it went down hill afterwards!
seth — I don’t get that, is it like being good at writing your name with your pee? Must be a guy thing.
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peterfrnk– thanks frank frank!
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jermey — why thank you sir.
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Pete — thanks for your first comment!! I’m glad you like, and YES #7 is a big no no!!
Plum, you are just too much some times.
exactly what david said! TOO MUCH!
maybe I’m just meeting the non ladies. They don’t ever want to leave, so I’m sorry you gots to tell those chicks to get up and go. and if they can do it silently without turning the light on that would be swell too.
Those are all horrible (and yet fabulous for you writing them!)…and though I’m okay with number 6 lol I feel the need to add a number 9 – Inappropriate conversation ie. the discussion of meat products during a pre-coitus action lull Needless to say…there was no coitus, you can’t take meat talk back.
At least that guy rolled over and farted. I had a woman fart during sex while I was inside of her. I felt the vibrations throughout my body – and not in a good way.
nothing wrong with showering right after, as well as sanitizing the entire “area of sexual activity” cleanliness is next to godliness.
david_sp– thanks for your first comment ;)
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GERRY — well thank you!
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johnnytheG — a real lady would only stay if invited. You deserve a real lady!
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SomethingSheDated — oh #9 for sure…..
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marc– I don’t know what to say marc. I just don’t know what to say! ( i guess it could have been worse!)
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thrillhouse1134– and you are the god!
O-M-G! you are so amazing for putting this out there!
that is true a real gentle man should invite a lady to stay, but if not she should leave. manners people. this list shows that manners are far from people minds!
why are you single again? you are so funny and amazing. Great Post :-)
the sweating thing isn’t their fault. Some guys are sweaters!!! (not me. well sometimes.)
Authour can keep her loose, STD vag away from me. Have fun with those frat boy threesomes.
Your kids are gonna be real proud of mommy.
lesley — ;)
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stacey — this is true, a real lady never asks.
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Paul — not sure, thank for your comment.
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Love in the Dumps– sometimes is ok;)
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AndrewSlhebuer — Your first comment thank you, but I have to burst your little bubble. I do not and have not ever had an STD. This may or may not be cause we haven’t had sex yet. Frat boy threesomes? Never seen one, but let me know where those happen, maybe I’ll see you there. Also, due to a small thing I pretty much am unable to have my own children….so I’m unable to be a better influence then your mother was to you…so there is that. You come on back, my lose vagina likes you.
I concur with all this list and I have one of my own.
- Do not bring up my Thesis Advisor directly after sex. This goes double for my father/stepfather/grandfather. I slept with one of the guys in my masters program and directly after sex, as we are lying in my bed, he started talking about my thesis advisor who is like 40+ and looks like Rick Moranis. Ewww, not appropriate after-sex talk
Killer post and a must read for all men. Forwarding it on.