am I ever serious…
I’ve been told this before many times: He’s just scared at how fast and much he’s fallen for you. (or something along those lines) He’s scared it’s getting to serious.
I think I might hold the record for times a guy who seems all interested in me out of the blue say: “I’m not looking for a serious relationship, ok?!”
In fact if I don’t hear that on the third date, I start to think my hearing is going.
My reply is always the same: “OK. No one said anything about a serious relationship here.”
And I truly mean that!
I’ve been thinking about this lately. What is it about me? About my personality that makes me come off as this relationship hungry girl. When I’m actually farthest from that. Am I too nice? Too interested, to giving? What is it?! I seriously want to know!
Do I like the idea of being in a relationship? Sure, who doesn’t? They are comfortable, wonderful, and safe, but then again full of so many issues.
A nice steady casual relationship I’ll take any day. A call me your girlfriend, move in together and let’s have babies relationship…..well frankly they scare me.
So the question is, is it me?
Do I scream, “date me, love me, marry me”, or is it just a precaution that all men take.
Are they scared of ‘us’ the scary relationship hungry females? ‘Us’ with our bridesmaids picked out since we were 10 yearsold, our eggs in the freezer, and wedding dresses we got on sale in the closet. Do all guys see us (women) as THOSE types?
Dear lord do I come off as that type?!
Sure the idea of a woman with her ticking time bomb ovaries and dreams of the perfect wedding dress might be scary. Sure. I can see that. I meet a boy once who knew exactly how and what time of the year he wanted to get married. Scared the living poo out of me!
The word “fast” and “plans” and “future” are scary in any context at any age!
But little old me, scaring guys away. Making them think I’m all ready to settle down, writing out my name with his last name, and picking out baby names….ME? Really?!
This little plum is scared and jaded on her own. I don’t need your insecurities of whether or not I’m a spring or fall wedding person, or am feeling out your family cancer and disease history.
I’m ok with a non serious relationship, not cause calling me your girlfriend scares me, or moving in scares me, or weddings scare me, or monogamy scares me, or even babies scare me. Ok having a baby fucking scares the bejeezus of me! The are big and my hoo-ha isn’t that big.
I’ve had some wonderful beautiful real serious relationships. And the thought of repeating their faults is what scares me. Because my list of what scares me in “him” and in our maybe “serious relationship” is far more meaty then his fear of a seeing me in a wedding dress, or god forbid us putting a label each other. It’s perfectly normal for guys to go on and on about how they don’t want anything serious, they aren’t ready for something serious. But, I as a female say that and something is either wrong with me, I’m a slut, or I’m lying. But like I said my fears about making something serious stand on their own. (but then again maybe guys have their own list too, maybe)
I fear:
- him having sex with one of my best friends behind my back (again)
- him dumping me after 4 years cause he’s getting married in 6 months (again)
- him slapping me across the face and throwing me against walls (again)
- being cheated on (again, and again, and again)
- being told I’ll never be good enough for him (again)
- falling in love and having him die on me (again)
We have our own list as well :-) Pretty much the same fears except not the hitting part, but add the emotional gutting and gold-digging, even when the women is much better off financially. Yeah, judges are like that.
Good, but ya never know unless ya try?
I think there is a general thinking that girls want the relationships and guys don’t want to be tied down. I’m not saying it’s correct, and in today’s society there seem to be more exceptions than rules when it comes to dating. But considering the pop culture that often shows women as these sassy, successful gals that are not going to be complete until they have the perfect man in their life, I could see where men would be wary and go for the pre-emptive strike. I wish people would make less assumptions and get to know a person based on who they are, not based on any preconceived notions.
guys do have lists but with women it seems these fear come out late in the game. You think a woman is all cool with how things are, and she seems rad and then all of a sudden out of the blue she goes crazy.
honey honey honey! you say it all the time on here. Men are douchebags and women are crazy. Neither of us want the other, we just like the sex.
if he doesn’t want to be serious with you he is missing out on something amazing. not that we have ever meet. i can just tell. great insight. do women really buy dresses on sale?
men have lists but women have lists too that are far worse then the ones you list. your list is all serious. men are more scared of women who have the list of what is perfect. the hair, the car, the house, the education, the $$$. Those things scare us. If we like a girl, we say things like “not looking to get serious” because she is so great that we don’t want to disappoint.
david is correct. If a guy says this to you take it as a compliment. He knows you are worth something and is more insecure about his issues then over thinking what issues you may have. If he says it to you after you have sex on a one night stand that is a different story. wonderful post once again.
No it isn’t you. It’s the men. I always tell a girl I’m not looking for the big “R. It’s more of a defense mech. If I tell you now, if you ask me later I can bail. It’s like a pre-emptive eject button. But despite that I’ve still found myself in “R” like situations. (can you blame them). Its exiting the situation that’s an issue. The boo-hoo and waa-waa isn’t for me. No guys wants to be the bad guy. No guy wants to be the one ho broke the heart of the nice girl. The girl who did everything without the title. ;(
I will always believe “love” is unrequited and all relationships should have an expiration date.apathy just might save your soul.
If someone summarized this post for me with zero information about the people involved, I would say it is not terribly likely that a particular girl elicits pre-emptive noncommitment from any guy she gets together with. I would say it’s more likely that the girl has a tendency to get together with guys who are pre-emptively noncommittal.
I don’t mean that pejoratively, or that it’s a sign of “issues.” It just seems logical for someone who doesn’t want a serious relationship (you) to go for people who also don’t want serious relationships. Maybe your guys articulate it only because their experience is that girls who say they don’t want anything serious eventually change their minds. Just a theory!
I noticed that if you smile to the guy, he is likely to think you’re the sappy kind who’s ready to embark on a whirlwind of a relationship. So, he builds up towers around himself.
I’ve done it. But only to girls cos I can’t just say I’m gay (cultural thing).
The same goes for gay men. You smile at one, even on web cam, and you see him taken aback and in a sudden need to go. I know one accomplished guy who has a precise vision of his ideal marital life, somewhere in Colorado, with his guy and his puppy (and miniature trains collection) – a vision he unleashes on any guy he likes. Needless to say, I was the scared one who ran away here.
So, all that verbose foreplay leads to one question: are you a smiling gal?
Just stick with Hitchcock’s philosophy of a good scene: go in late and leave early. Ie. leave em wanting more. Works every time.
hmm…well I’m a pretty new reader so not really knowing for sure about your history…here’s my thoughts…
I don’t think it’s a you thing…
I don’t think it’s a him (them) thing…
I think it’s an internet dating thing. Though my list of issues may be a bit smaller and less heart-wrenching than yours (my god I just want to hug you and make that list disappear in a completely non-pitying but drastically empathetic way)…I too am a gal that is in NO HURRY…if even going in that direction at all…to get to a serious relationship…for reasons I won’t bog your comments down here…I just want to date and have some fun…and I project that…my dating profile is nothing but jokes and fun and stresses and interest in fun (without the slutty connotations lol!)…but that being said…I still get guys who feel the need to say “I’m not looking to get into a serious relationship blah blah blah”…as if I was asking?!?! So my theory (lol sorry for the long winded-ness) is this…
Online dating has the connotation of being comprised of people who are tired with the generic ways of meeting people (bars, work, the street lol). This is presumably because they are not please with the people they come up with (or don’t) in “real life”.
In lamen’s terms…guys think girls are on dating websites because we’re looking for quality (true) and if we get quality we’re going to want to tie our boat up to its dock (not true). That being said, I think there are lots of girls who might answer true to both those scenarios in addition to there being a whole lot of crazy on “online dating” (something I still haven’t experienced for myself but have been regaled with in stories from my male friends…the girl who brought rocks and chanted on the date, the girl who thought there was a relationship before the first meet, the girl who stalked after one date…etc.etc.etc.)
So in closing (lol again sorry for length)…I think if a guy says that to you….he’s A. had tons of online dating experience (likely some very bad) B. he’s a bit damaged (up to you whether or not to heal) or C. he’s a douche who is so cocky (or a realist…depends) that he feels the need to preface his dating with guidelines…
Either way you’re awesome :) Love what I’ve read so far