Archive for December 9th, 2009

you really don’t know me….

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about life, love, relationships, and all that jazz.

SIDEBAR: I know I know an emotional post…..gawd I know I’m turning into every other stupid dating/relationship blogger.

I moved to this city almost 5 years ago. I moved here with some suitcases (well and a ton of boxes, lets be real here) and nothing else.  Now I know that is a typical story line for this city. But I do have a point here. I moved here with no one and knowing no one.  In fact the only person I “knew” in the city was @aussieinthecity who I had about a month long conversation about gradschool woes and visa junk as we both embarked on our adventures of moving from another country to attend the same program at Columbia University.

But the thing I don’t have is friends I’ve known before I moved here. I have no friends I have known since high school, no friends I went to university with.  Everyone I know in this city I know since I’ve been here.

Now there is nothing wrong with this, and I have some of the most amazing friends here in the city. Friends who I might not see all the time but are here for me whenever I need them, friends I feel like I have known forever.

In fact, when I look back at places I’ve worked, projects I’ve been involved with, I generally never think of experience and knowledge I’ve gained. I think of that one person I gained. That one friend who makes all the difference in my life.

Now I miss my friends so much that I’ve had since high school and since university. But as we all know those are the friends that when you see them it’s like you never left. You fall into a wonderful routine and the conversation flows.

And that is what I miss. I don’t miss great conversation. I get that here with lots of friends. I miss friends who know my history. To be more precise who know my dating and relationship history.  You know the friends, that know off the bat as soon as you say things like “I really like this guy” they get it, cause they have a long back story of what you like and don’t like. They know how you work in relationships, how you love, and what you need.  I have not been in a long-term exclusive relationship since moving to this city where friends here have meet the other person I was involved with.  So how do they know what I like, need, want, and react to?  The answer is they don’t and they can’t.

Yes we can have conversations about my dating life, their dating life, and what have you, but I never am satisfied by the conversation.  In fact, I want to say that the fact I run and hide and find fault in every ‘relationship’ I’ve been in over the last 4 years has been because I truly don’t have someone to gage the situation and make things real to me.  All I get is opinions based on well opinions. There is nothing based on fact or history or knowledge of me.

Relationships are dirty, complicated, and intense. I function in life (not just in relationships) based a lot of previous relationships, how I move, how I treat people, and how I let myself be treated are all based on my past.  And sometimes I simple wish I had a friend here who could look at my face and just know how I feel about a boy……