Archive for December 4th, 2009

as good as I’m going to get…

So I do this thing. Well I do lots of things but this one thing could be considered a big relationship flaw.  But the funny thing is I do it before I’m even officially in a relationship.

I have this habit of bringing up things, making lists, and deconstructing a potential relationship partner.  I don’t really pick out flaws, but I pick out reason why we would “never work”, or why we “shouldn’t date”

In fact, I have a tendency to bring these things up to them.  I do this kind of as an “out”. Not really for me, although I have done that, but rather I do it as an out for them.  I put the ideas in their heads; give them the chance to run, to over think why they aren’t right for me. It’s a terrible thing I know.

I have been thinking about it lately, trying to figure out why I do it.  I haven’t always done this, but I’ve done it for at least the last 4 or 5 years.  When I like a guy, when I feel like I want something to come of it, I lay down the reasons as to why they aren’t good for me.  I think it’s a defense mechanism that I can’t shut off.  Maybe because I’ve dated my fair share of guys who would tell me over and over again about how I would never do better then them, that all my issues would never land me anyone but them, that I should be lucky enough to be with them and just settle for that.  After hearing that kind of stuff from multiple people I guess in a sense you believe some of it.  So I think what I do now is say, ok I like you, I think you like me, but let me break it down as to why I shouldn’t like you, so neither of us is settling in any way.

I’ll pull out things like job, religion, views on children, age, things that in the long run sure maybe are important, but really are they?  Or am I just scared to maybe really actually have someone like me, or even worse really like someone back.

I’ve ruined some maybe great potential because of this. I’ve made guys over think things I’ve said, and then they can’t stop, and then it all just stops.  But then again, if you can’t deal with some blunt truth (even if it really doesn’t matter to me in the long run) then you probably can’t deal with me. Because no one is going to have the perfect job, or family, or share all my views with me…in fact, it is those things that make getting to know someone and maybe even falling in love kind of wonderful, special, and alittle crazy.

FACT:  I don’t need perfect I just need perfect for me.