Confirmed…
I had a bad night the other day. I got upset, and the fact that I was upset over something I really shouldn’t be caring about is what really upset me. The fact that I even cared made it even worse.
I always say every guy I’ve ever been serious about has cheated on me. Well all but one, but I always had my doubts about him as well. Now, I didn’t doubt him because other guys had cheated on me, or all guys are douche-bags kind of way. It was more just a feeling I got from him and this might have been one of the reasons we drifted (there are so many other reasons/issues but that’s a novel not a blog post)
So the other night I couldn’t sleep, and my mind was already turning. I needed something to watch/listen too as I rolled over and tried to sleep. I looked through hulu (nothing really was catching my eye), netflixs (nothing either), and then I quickly went to the living room to look at our much to large DVD collection. I for some reason grabbed a DVD I had never watched, a DVD I knew I didn’t really care if I feel asleep during, I mean what could possible happen that I would care about.
I grabbed a documentary filmed with ‘band boy’ and his band as they did a major tour. I had heard great things about it, remember 14 yearold girls pushing me out of the way to get it signed, but I personally had never watched it. So, I start to watch the 5 boys depart on their world tour adventure.
SIDEBAR: I feel like I need to mention the fact that at the time of this tour ‘band boy’ and I were dating, and I was even lucky enough to go on location too much of said world tour.
I’m watching, I’m watching, I’m watching. I turn over, I close my eyes, and I’m entering sleep. And then…I hear parts of a conversation, I turn over, I hit volume up, and slide my glasses on. I then rewind, then rewind again.
Are you fucking kidding me?!
I watch with my jaw open as the boys are teasing, laughing at, and discussing ‘band boys’ hickey, and the girl he was with the night before.
A hickey!? Are you fucking kidding me! I rewind some more, check location. Yup, ok a hickey in less then 48hours since I had left him/seen him.
So, there you have it. My one and only ‘maybe’ did indeed cheat on me. It is now official: Every guy I have ever been in a serious relationship with has indeed cheated on me.
Now my feelings on cheating and such are for another day. All I will say is that the only thing about this that bothers me is he lied to me. Period. That’s the worst part (and even more so because I still consider him a friend) I’m upset with myself, because I knew this, I knew in the back of my head, and in my being that this happened at least once and now it feels like numerous times. I should have trusted myself, and I thought by that point I did, but it turns out no.
I’m very angry with myself about this! I hate when I let my guard down. I also hate that this is bothering me so much. BUT, I will say I’m glad I broke the heart of a guy who lets one night stands give hickeys! Who does that?
We’ve talked about this before IRL. The reason I have such ‘peculiar’ ideas about relationships and monogamy is that I’ve never been able to recover from being lied to. Once I feel that awful, gut-wrenching, sick feeling of betrayal I develop such a deep and overwhelming grudge that it’s pretty much impossible for me to recover from it. And it’s mainly because I start to doubt myself and my own judgment. A guy makes me feel like that and it’s pretty much over.
I’m getting sick just thinking about it.
Maybe one day I’ll grown up and learn to forgive someone who makes me that sick with doubt, but…
That’s what it is: the lying! I can’t take that, when I can’t trust someone I go crazy and have resent as well. I know we’ve chatted about this many times. But yeah, I would have liked to know. I’m usually a very forgiving person. And i feel like in the back of my head their is a funny story that goes along with what happened in above, but I don’t get that all I have is feeling like the fool. Once again, everyone knew (including like the whole world) and I didn’t….wtf! whatever…im over it! Done!
I am going to “third” this sentiment. In my own life, it has been the lying that kept me awake at night. Not the fact that seasons change and who was right for you at 25 may not be so at 35. It’s that guys (ok, all people) will lie to your face about their 1) behavior 2) activities 3) level of commitment 4) feelings. Once this has happened to you, it is incredibly difficult to recover from. Forget about it if this has been a pattern.
Lost Plum, I feel for you. Cheating sucks because it is a betrayal. And you start to think it’s you, that you have some sign on your forehead or a missing “detection” chip. However, you have more than one thing going for you :) and the best one is that your internal signal does work. You’ve just proved it. So next time, just listen to the nagging voice and follow your instincts.
Here’s a topic that will, apparently, always hit home!
My latest biggest romances involved the guy cheating in some sort of way. In 2008, the guy I was madly in love with flew from Texas to Turkey to meet his beau and, 2 days later, I read they’re officially an item.
This past July, a guy I thought was SO different, met someone at a CONFERENCE and, a week later, tells me he unexpectedly fell in love with this other guy and that he may have loved me, but he doesn’t and can’t anymore. :(
That heart of mine has been so deceived and torn apart that it pumps ink now.
I just felt really bad for ever lying to a girlfriend before. wow. i feel like an ass.
I really want to reference a certain song right now about him being a dick to you…..I know you know what I mean! I hate him now and need to watch me that silly dvd.
I have to agree with jefferson: I feel like a douche now! But Lying is a two way street. And going to agree with @luckychica you have more then one thing going for you! and that’s no LIE! (I love your blog!)
God, I feel sick to my stomach reading this. The lying doesn’t upset me as much as the absolutely undeniable FUCK YOU that cheating represents. Guys say, “It’s not you, it’s not you,” but they know good and well it means FUCK YOU. They know it is a direct offense, an insult, a slap in the face, a kick in the teeth. Otherwise they wouldn’t feel so bad about getting caught.
Congrats if you want to be restrained about it, but I would not be this guy’s friend anymore.
Ladies and gentleman, here’s a wake up call…it’s the lying AND the cheating that hurt. Why are you all trying to downplay the act of betrayal itself? I don’t get that. The actual act of cheating – the fucking – demonstrates your former man’s arrogance and inherent disrespect/disenchantment for you on some level. Lying afterwards is him just not wanting to deal with the consequences after the fact.
In other words, it ALL sucks.
Don’t get me wrong. I am sorry for any person who has been blantantly cheated on. You’re a cool girl, Lost Plum. From the cheap seats here though, expecting fidelity from a boy band member sounds about as likely as not getting a crouchful of crabs from a Tijuana sex worker. If you’re going to fall for the players, expect to get played.
Might be time to look at the kind of guys you like because you’re way too amazing of a woman to keep up this heart-wrenching song-and-dance.
Ms. M&B
watch out all the ladies are chiming in.
well I’m a lady and I’m yes chiming in, but in a different way. So as a long time friend of [lost plums] and knowing the guy in question I just have to say that I know [LP] doesnt mean hurt in the way you are all thinking. I think she’s more hurt that yup every guy she’s been serious about has cheated on her. Cheating hurts. But if you ever talked with her or heard the whole story you would know that it’s not the cheating part that bothers her it’s the lying part. she’s a terrible lier really she is, and she believes people she cares about 500% of the time. Anyways, she will remain friends with guy above and I’m sure she’ll find some funny way to bring it up to him, and they will all laugh. [LP] wow people really do read your blog and now you got them all rattled, watch out ;-)
holy wow! look at everyone chiming in! Didn’t think that would ever happen! Maybe I need to use the term “i was hurt by a guy” more often….lol…I’m fine by all the above by the way.
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@luckychica— you are very right internal signal’s are where it’s at. It’s true the thing that upsets me most is I for once in my life didn’t listen to them. live and learn!
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Wilmaryad–Hon, I’m sorry to hear about your heart being torn up. Keep that head up. I like to believe there is more good then bad out there….sometimes it just takes more time to find the good!
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jefferson–Lying is human nature don’t fret over it.
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steph1982– OH I KNOW what song you’re talking about! You are terrible! (thanks for your first comment!) Where you born in 1982? really!?
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Gregg–Thanks for your first comment and the kind words. You are correct lying is a two way street! And I personal think girls might lie more to guys then guys to girls….just from what all my gfs say.
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Erin–I feel bad I’m making you sick to your stomach. No worries; smile! Thanks for your first comment, and for being the first comment to ever have “FUCK U” in it!! ;)
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Ms. M&B– You are more then right it ALL sucks. I don’t really ever walk into a relationship expecting fidelity or anything for that matter. (but that is me) Both of the offenses are crappy yes, but I think I’m just more of a sucker for being lied to. And I agree on the band boy analogy, for more then the reasons above. In fact it’s on my list: No more boys in bands, it falls right before no more boys with accents. I’ve never really had to many heart-wrenching song-and-dances in fact I think I’ve only had one (maybe two but that is different). When I say this event above upset me it did and it didn’t. i didn’t cry over it. In fact,I didn’t really cry when we broke up, or when I found out every other guy had cheated on me too….well minus the first one, but again that’s the first ‘love’ song and dance. Anywho, thanks for your insight and once again confirming why I need to buy my ticket to concerts not get let in the backdoor ;)
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paulie–For your first comment that all you got ;)
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jen– I had to edit your post. Don’t use my name, thank you hon. And you are right I sent ‘band boy’ a text the other day saying I watched the DVD finally and he called me about 10 minutes after. And we laughed about it. He did and still feels bad, and joked about how I can add that to the long list of reasons why I will never marry him…ha ha ha.
wow. people are really upset about this topic. You seem way more level headed then most of your readers!
The lying part and the cheating part are different in my book. Everyone is going to lie at one time, no matter how “honest” the person is. Cheating is different it as it involves a sort of “breach of contract” (that is if both parties had decided to stay monogamous). Whenever you can’t sustain the rules and breach them, the contract is null and void and therefore any future relationship is ended.
franny— you know it.
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gany– you are right it all depends on the “contract” that people set up before and. (our contract was more about the honesty but..) You have a fun ‘legal’ slant of looking at it. And thanks for your first comment!