The Lost Plum…

I’ve decided I want to learn to speak Spanish; well actually I want to learn it. Speaking isn’t a requirement.

Not because I think it will take me places (although some may argue that it is a great resume plus) or because I like to learn new things, or even because…..

I simple want to learn it for boys, actually to be exact for men. I want to learn Spanish for men!

Yup, you heard it right!

Now wait a minute, maybe I should be clear here for a minute. I don’t have a crush on a Spanish speaking man, although I do know a lot of very cute Spanish speaking boys!  Rather I feel left out of the conversation by men. Specifically, men on the street. To be even more specicfic men I walk by on the street.  Now, I can guees what they might be saying and I know where their intensions tend to lie, but I still don’t know what they are saying.

See the lovely young black gentalman I passed on my way to the subway tonight said the following:  ”where you headed to (something that sounded more like sounds rather then words) you sexy thang, come back here now”

That I understand (minus the grunting in the middle) but when I passed the sort little I’ll say nice looking (to be nice) man on the subway platform he said the following:

“Ca-soming-soming-Me-something with a do-daddy over the vowel”

? Right ?

Yeah, no clue!

Now it had the same tone as the guy I had passed a mere 5 minutes before, so my brain assumes it’s the same context, but then how do I know!  I’m the little Canadian girl who basically after years of vacations in Mexico I know how to say “yes, no” and the ever important “how much?”  (But drop me in France, and I’ll get behind those dirty men’s words)

So, I am setting out to learn Spanish! Or at least Google a good sight with Spanish pickup lines and then Google a translator site.  Any suggestions?

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Well I’m back with this “Half Naked Thursday” and I need to clarify something (especially after I did a search for other hnt’s out there)

The majority of my readers are male. (in fact I am using my ever excellent math skills to concluded that 72.5809% of my readers are male) I love you boys! However, if you are looking for some real action on HNT’s you’re going to have to look some place else. You are never going to see nipple, ass, cooter, or anything in fact that revealing.

As mommy plum would say: “just don’t go putting naked pictures of yourself out there!” And I don’t intend on doing it. (She gives advice I listen to sometimes!)

FACT: These might be the only time I am ever a ‘tease’.

SIDEBAR: If I’m going to be a tease, I might as well throw on a pair of $2,000 stripper heels!

Was out the other night with a fellow blogger and my homesicle* Tom. And as you can imaging the topic went from PG-what’s-new to talking about penis slapping people in the face (the only thing I totally regret not including here!) So, Tom in all his foolery informs me that apparently guys like to just throw their penis out there. (Well he said “some guys” I don’t want to put words in him mouth)

It got me thinking. (As I so often do on my train rides home)

So… here is a list of the Top 5 “oh wow, that’s your penis right there” moments, feel free to comment about your own personal ones:

Take Me For a Ride ~ Going home one night (about 4 years ago) on a crowded #1 train the guy standing in front of me (I was sitting) unzipped and pushed his limp penis threw his fly, which slowly grew in front of me…….

Model Love ~ that model guy from almost a year ago who was way to dumb and way to young for me, took me to dinner. A very very nice dinner, at a very nice place. He excused him self to use the restroom and then,

Model: I found something in the bathroom you may like.

Un model like me: I highly doubt that (laughing)

Model guy then removes his hand which is resting near his belt buckle and pocking up from his pants right above his belt and in front of his tucked in shirt is his little friend saying hello.

Take That ~In University, my friend ‘TSS’ and ‘S-Collins’ were in the student lounge with me. ‘TSS’ said something that most likely poked funny at “S-Collins” (I don’t remember what was said, but I do remember us laughing our asses off) And then next thing I know is he has his pants around his ankles in front of her, Takes his penis and slapped her across the face with it. (The laughing stopped for a moment; we lifted our jaws off the floor and continued to laugh even harder)

I’ll Just Keep Driving ~ I was driving back home late from a cousins wedding (has to be like 7 years ago) and had taken a good friend from University as my date. He took full advantage of the free bar, and on the drive home we are talking and then I look over and he’s trying to fit his penis into the tip of a water bottle, cause he had to pee. (He then proceeded to climb into the backseat and try to pee out the window as I was driving on the highway, but that’s another story)

#1 is Where It’s At – It was about two years ago, middle of August, and one of those balls-ass-kill-me-now-nyc summer days! Sitting on the #1 train, which had about 20 people in the car. I notice out of the corner of my eye the man sitting across from me doing something. I take a closer look, and yup there he is masturbating. It proceeded to become one full on masturbating session (this guy really had to work that out, we’re talking moans people) No one really did anything or said anything (besides not sit right next to him) It was defiantly one of those NYC summer moments where you’ll put up with anything on the train cause its got Air-Conditioning and the other option is death.

SIDEBAR: A homesicle is usually used to describe a “homie” that lives with you…Tom does not live with me or vise versa…..(I mean it more like a tom-popsicle…..but not in a dirty way.)

FACT: If you aren’t reading Tom’s foolery over at YOURTANGO, you are missing out!  Case and Point.

I got a text today from ‘Video Game Boy’ saying the following:

“I hate how we left things, and basic ended our relationship without talking about it. Call me sometime would love 2 talk + hear how life is treating you.”

So the back-story….

‘Video Game Boy’ or ‘VGB’ was in the picture for maybe like 10 days over 3 weeks (sometime back in the fall) Now let us sit back and deconstruct this “relationship” he speaks of.

We had one date, which was a blind date. He was funny, his job was interesting. He was cute in that everyone has attractive qualities about him or her, and that is about it. Oh, and he could hold his alcohol well.

So, on a drunken first date (not like I’ve done that before) I went home with him. Needless to say, our “relationship” ended up being him texting me now and again drunk and me usually being out and drunk, then showing up at his place (at like 2am) to have great drunken sex. To top it all off, I wouldn’t even get a good sleep cause he’d wake me up after a few hours of sleep because he was playing some zombie killing video game on high volume (in his tiny ass studio)

So, here is my question. Does “VGB” actually think this ploy to get me to contact him will work? I mean we all know the translation of his text is:

“Hey, I haven’t been laid since I last saw you. We should hang out, I’ll totally take you out and buy you drinks all night if we can fuck after.”

So, why doesn’t he just text that, not that that would get a better response, in fact it probably would still get no response, but I can respect me some honesty….maybe it’s cause I’m just a terrible liar!

Oh and I did text him back (I’m not a total bitch).

“Hey great to hear from you, I’m alittle busy the next few weeks but I hope all is well with you.”

(reason #___why I’m single: I love video games but resent boys who like to play them after sex)

SIDEBAR: I agree to go on blind dates and then question my friendships afterwards. My friends always set me up with guys who are ’so not my type’ it really makes me wonder!

FACT: His tiny ass studio was about 3 blocks from the office so it was very convenient.

I was looking through my little blackberry notes (on things/reminders for blog posts) and came across a quote that my ever-wonderful dating maven friend said.

“As long as you can get a guy to drunk kiss you at the bar, you still got it!”

Now I’m sure we were drinking when she said this (in fact I know we were), and thus I probably took some license with her exact words, but that it’s a pretty great quote!

This past Saturday it was my friend ‘Babs’ birthday, and a bash it was! (I still might hurt alittle from it) We had a lovely dinner and then headed for more drinks at our go-to bar in the LES where we always have fun, and the boys take care of us.

I went for some air with ‘Red-lips’ (while she smoked) and as we were coming back in we ran into a very cute young boy!  There was a short line as IDs were being scanned and checked. We weren’t really moving into the middle of the line, more in the sense of trying to get around it, because A: They don’t check our IDs, and B: We had already been inside.

And this cute young boy goes: “Here go ahead of me, please.”

Now wasn’t that nice of him…..We have a few quick back and forths about him being sweet and I can’t really remember it all…we go in… and that’s about all.

Red-lips:  He’s looking over here at you.

Plum:  Gawd, he’s like what? 23?

Red-lips: Well he has to be 21, he got in.

The night continues, are table/booth gets fuller as other friends show up, and add in a mix of band boys, and boys wanting to show us their penises. And I look over to see where ‘Red-lips’ is and she is just to the side of us talking it up with the cute young boy….hmmmm…

She see’s me and waves her hand, “come here”.

I being alittle drunk… and well I take direction pretty easy (lets be honest) make my way over to ‘Red-lips’, and the cute young boy.

Red-Lips:  He’s 29!

BabyFace: Hi (laughs) I’m ‘babyface’.

Plum:  Really, you’re 29!

BabyFace: (laughs) yeah, I’m 29…

Red-lips: I’m going to get another drink, you guys stay here and talk!

My friends are smooth aren’t they! (I think she even gave us booth a wink and a smile…..so smooth!)

We are talking, about, I really don’t know what!  He and his rowdy friends were on a bar crawl (some type of game involving golf holes and being in teams, and winning money) my rowdy friends were on a birthday bonanza that they seemed to think was a bachelorette party. ( I think that maybe why they wanted to show penis….but again not clear!)

We are talking nothing fancy he’s staring at me strangely and I’m thinking “wow Im sooo babbling and he sooo is trying to find his exit plan.” The all of a sudden, his hand is on my cheek, he pulls me in, and kisses me. Although it might have been one of those drunken, awkward kisses…….

I must still got it!