between my legs..

Ok, I’ll say it. Get it out in the open. Here we go. I have Penis Envy.  I mean who doesn’t!?  I am fascinated by them!  And I am constantly reminded by my spam inbox that I can make mine bigger with just one pill. I may need 200 pills because I can’t even find mine! (I’ve looked, and I’m pretty sure someone would have told me by now if they saw one!)

We have all read articles where they ask women what they would do if they had a penis for a day.  Most end up saying they would have lots of sex. Here is my issue with this answer: So say you get a penis for 24 hours. You have to A: find someone to have sex with and B: you only really have maybe if lucky 10 good “sex experiences” in you. (being honest)

There are so many other things you could do…well after you try sex, at least twice!

So if I woke up tomorrow with a penis: Whatever would I do:

: I’d get circumcised. I assume this is something my parents would do, however, never having seen my father’s or my brothers, or ever having a conversation about circumcision with any member of my family I don’t know.  So I would do it, because frankly uncircumcised penises scare me.

:I’d stick it in things that I maybe shouldn’t.  Like pudding, fruit, glazed doughnuts, milk, pie, and random holes.

:I would try every brand of condom. EVERYONE! Size, shape, texture, to flavor…and speaking of flavor.

:I’d take on the very hard challenge of learning to give myself head. I would master this and show it off to anyone willing to see.

:I’d take pictures of it and have them on my cell phone.

:I’d measure it (length and circumference) and then look up the states on Google, as well as bring these up and compare them with everyone.

:I’d hydrate myself all the time so I could pee everywhere. I’d pee outside, against things, off buildings, out windows. I’d write my name on things, like walls, the ground, and the snow…. I’d paint the town in my urine name.

:I’d learn to flex my muscles so it “dances” that always fascinates me!!

SIDEBAR: I would NOT put it between my legs to see what I look like without one.  I see that everyday.

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43 Comments Add Yours ↓

The upper is the most recent comment

  1. 1

    Fucking funny! I’d counter your post with if i had a cooter but i don’t want one. and reading your post makes me appreciate my friend that women appreciate more than they do me. THIS WAS AN EXCELLENT READ!

  2. 2

    why thank you;) Maybe I’m sure you are appreciated more then your friend….but I might just say that cause I haven’t seen your friend.

  3. 3

    LMAO! Play your cards right aaaaaaaaand….LMAO!

  4. 4

    LOL. I must admit, my first thought was – I probably wouldn’t leave the apt for a few weeks. I’d be too busy playing with my new gift.

  5. 5

    well of course! But this is after I have played with it to Satisfaction….if that ever happens;)

  6. dan-the-man #

    you are too funny for words! God I missed your blog! Hope it’s up and fixed asap! It always makes me laugh!

  7. JennyLaw #

    I love that you would “stick it in things” I almost died laughing when I read that!


    lmfao! you get sexier every day. even if you want a peen!

  9. 9

    There’s really nothing bad about having a penis. An occasional WHERE THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM erection, but that’s about it.

    That being said, I’d much rather have some gal apply these musings PRETENDING that my penis was their’s – if you get what I mean.

    Wanna lace it in pot-butter and learn how to give head? SURE! I mean that is a role play I’d sign up for any day because, frankly, I got tired playing with myself before I was 14. It’d be good some someone to get a sense of wonder out of it.

  10. 10

    I get what you mean, no worries. Also, I never even thought that you could get tired of playing with it, but maybe that’s because I don’t have one…which is pretty clear by this post!

  11. 11

    OMG LMAO !!! this just tooo funny !

    You’d stick it around in things you shouldn’t huh :P apple pie remind you of a certain movie hehehe

    Hmmm I’m gonna have to think about this and figure out if I can come up with some cool ways to use my imaginary penis hehehe

  12. 12

    dazediva—imagine away! ; )

  13. hot porridge #

    Okay, back up. The *first* thing you’d do is circumcise your peen? Why change what works perfectly well on it’s own – I don’t get with the whole mutilation movement. Yeah, I understand that thousands of years ago, whilst living in deserts, sanitation was not the order of the day, but why people still do this is beyond me. The fact that you’d do this first before even exploring the foreskin and it’s playful side is beyond me… Lady, clearly, you do not Love the penis!

    I’d love to have a penis – a thick one – and the first thing I’d do is have a pretty brunette give me a blowjob. In fact, that would be enough, just the once. Oh, and I’d walk around all day in little white Y Fronts, cotton stretched to the max. Divine.

  14. 14

    hot porridge — Thanks for your first comment! It’s good to know what we like and want (like you know what you would do) And I know I def. wouldn’t want mine to have the foreskin…I’ve been around it and it’s just not my thing ; )

  15. 15

    You’re right for wanting to get that thing circumcised. Why have it look like it constantly had a condom on?!? And wanna give yourself head? Looks like you don’t want a woody; you’d want a whole tree to be able to do that lol.

    Penis is a very nice thing. That’s THE problem.

  16. 16

    wimaryad — THAT is the trouble, you are right!!

  17. jefferson #

    I might need to get the chop chop just because I dream of meeting you one day!

  18. 18

    Hiya! THis was incredibly funny! How did you go by creating a successful blog site? I just made one through apple but what company did you use and how did you publicize it. In College we are playing Assassin and I just wrote a short story on the person I killed and I would love to make the site an ongoing thing. Great Job


  19. 19

    jefferson — don’t go putting that pain on me now ;)
    cassie — thanks for you first comment! Good luck on your blog :) (I use work on wordpress)

  20. 20

    I found your link via scribnia. I love that site. I’ve gotten links to some awesome writers…You among them.

    I will be sure to post a link of you on my page. You are beyond funny. As I was reading you were ticking off the possible things I’d do if I had a penis.

    (Isn’t it funny when you can tell there’s a “but” somewhere in the comment, even though it’s not actually said “outloud”…)I think I will blog about why I why I wouldn’t want one of my own.

    I’ve got several places I write…you can reach me at myspace as well: nicaraguan_artist …or search for topgorgon.

    You rock, I am a fan. – topgorgon

  21. 21

    how did I miss this post? HILARIOUS!! Wow, you gave me a lot to think about–I haven’t done 1/2 the things on your PENIS WISH LIST…maybe I’ll start (but I’ll leave the peeing outside until Spring hits).

  22. 22

    I would never have thought of it, I usually figure you are stuck with what you got unless you get surgery..

  23. 23

    Absolutely hilarious!
    I’ve never had penis envy. I like them right where they are….on my mate.
    To me penises are like other peoples kids….fun, but more fun because they go back to their owners when you are done with them.
    I’ve always wondered why men love sex so much….I really do think Vaginas get a leg up on the pleasure department.

    Thank you for making me laugh!

  24. 24

    jezli — well I’m glad you found it! Thanks for your comment ;)
    Nandoism — I have no idea, I thought you lay in bed and just read me and dreamed of me…I guess I was wrong!
    Dave — Thanks for your first comment: Welcome! You make a good point, but ones mind can wander.
    Sugarwilla — I always wonder that too!! ;)

  25. 25

    Hey Plum. Way to get an interesting conversation started. Nice post friend!

  26. Zoe #

    Found this through Nando’s tweet. Hilarious!!! The only problem is: I love to ride bicycles and can’t imagine doing THAT comfortably. But once, just ONCE, I’d like to experience the male orgasm. How cool would that feel? ;)

  27. 27

    xcetrachick — thanks!
    Zoe — welcome to the blog! And yes, cool in deed!

  28. eire #

    lol.. ur a funny girl.. like to meet u one day.. im a girl too.. u have just a great imagination.. and sense of humor.. u write exactly how u feel and think.. thats the most unique talent.. well i always wanted to be the boy but well its never gonna happen.. and i would for sure freak out if i woke up with a penis.. lol.

  29. 29

    erie — it would be a big freak out!! Thanks for your first comment :)

  30. 30

    This is hilarious! I would probably do a lot of the same things as you if I had a penis, though not sure about getting circumsized. Its been years since I’ve seen an uncircumsized penis, but I don’t remember it being that weird. Then again, it was my first penis, so who was I to judge?

    This makes me want to write a post about what I would do with a new penis on my blog. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow.

  31. 31

    I love it all. Especially the idea of putting your fresh new penis in pudding. There’s something homey and erotic about that. Men are so lucky. What am I gonna do? Dip my vag in mousse or even broccoli cheese soup? Maybe with potatoes. Not nearly as fun.

  32. Alex #

    I am now painting the town yellow with my name spelled in urine. Thanks for the idea.

  33. MumbaiMinx #

    OMG! I couldn’t stop grinning whilst reading your post! Super. I second you on Penis Envy. Its a treat to see a good looking one…and yeah they look best circumsized. Even better to play with. ;)

  34. 34

    @drunken_hopfrog was right. This was quite the worthwhile read! I’m with you on the penis envy, mostly because peeing for a girl is such a task in certain situations such as camping, hiking, drinking, enjoying an outdoor concert (oooh man coachella), and/or tailgating at sporting events. In addition to taking pictures though, I’d have to send said pictures via text message to all my buddies, since some of the “strait” guys I know do that all the time. This way I could play too! Finally!

  35. 35

    This is super freakin’ hilarious!

    Did anyone say they’d slap someone with it? I might do that. For sure.

  36. 36


  37. 37

    I think if you can manage to give yourself head you don’t need to do any comparisons. You can be pretty assured it’s bigger than average! Funny post.

    PS – good to know uncircumsized penises scare you…is this generally true I wonder? Ladies?

  38. 38

    Very funny! No wonder why this is in your popular list.

  39. John #

    Very Funny! But, remember, one you have one it begins to rule your life — it comes with an automatic brain shut-off switch — since it is unsafe for your brain to be deprived of a significant portion of its blood supply. I would not use alcohol or heavy equipment while opperating it — the results can be tragic. And, if you have an erection that lasts over 4 hours, call your girl friends, it is always better to share, and make application for the Hall of Fame.

  40. John #

    the only compensation for not having a penis is being able to orgasm consecutively for hours until you pass out or die! I REALLY LIKE MY PENIS — but the ability to orgasm for hours hmmm …

  41. john #


  42. T #

    Ok, that’s just awesome. Love this post.

    I have penis envy too. What does it feel like to be INSIDE a woman?!? It’s gotta be amazing.

  43. pp #

    dear lord this is funny!


  1. lets get positive…. « The Lost Plum… 06 07 09

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