The Lost Plum…

On the last session of Dating Boot Camp something Matt said was interesting to me. He said that guys think about the negatives when it comes to past relationships while girls think about the positives. So basically, girls remember how nice it was to have a man buy them things, take them out, hold them, and tell them they love them, yada yada yada… While guys just remember when we turned into the crazy-soon-to-be-ex-psycho-bitch!

Am I doing something wrong? I’m starting to think my penis really is hiding down there somewhere! I don’t reminisce about the good things about being in a relationship. Sure I’ll admit it’s nice to have one/ be in one…but hold the horses for a minute, cause my bads outweigh the goods. And in fact, I think all single girls bads out weigh the goods. See women-girls-the female sex in general I think are more forgiving, more apt to put up with “crap” from a relationship.  

I don’t have a statistic to put here but in my scientific-guess-estimation (I did take 2 university physics class so I’m totally qualified to do so)

86.5% of women will stay in a relationship with the wrong guy while only 17.92% of men will!

We might “think” about the good because we block the bad, but “reminisce” about it, I highly doubt this!  If we wanted to stay in that relationship we would have. Women can be push over’s like that (now granted this doesn’t account for being dumped, but even then why spend thinking about that douche-bag)

Every guy I meet I’ll automatically pick out why he is or isn’t my type. “IS” equals as my friends so delicately put it, “an asshole-douche-bag-prick” and “IS NOT” my type equals “something has to be wrong with this guy!” (And the something wrong usually ends up being they are an asshole-douche-bag-prick)

Now I’ve had some great relationships and meet some of my bestest friends by dating them first, however, I always lean towards the negatives when I think of relationships. I don’t seek them out in hopes of recreating a “nice” feeling I’ve had in the past. Hell no! I always think the negative first…

My top 5 ‘negative’ thoughts I have about men….

1- He will cheat on me. Period!  (I don’t have to go into this…it has happened EVERY time)

2 – Date nights will turn into “come to my place lets have sex” (This is only negative in the sense that I do like to go out….sex is never a negative, well except for….)

3 – Sex will probably be bad. (I’m not hard to please in the end, but “this guy” probably isn’t going to rock my world, in fact, he probably wont)

4- He’s broken! (If he’s single he’s probably been broken by some girl….the bitch-ex-psycho, who I will then have to hear about all the time)

5- He going to get to serious way to fast….(I’m not looking to lay down roots anytime soon, but in between the douches I end up finding the “lets get married even though I just meet you” guys)

 (reason #___why I’m single: I’m always looking for the negatives)

After prodding from friends I decided to actually go out with one of the men I meet while dropping fruit.  I had a total of 42 business cards (not bad for only spending $28.57 total on bruised fruit)

I had the “no thank you” pile, and the “hmm not too bad” pile, and the eleven I thrown out already. I took all 13 ‘not to bad’ business cards threw them in a hat (well actually I was not sitting near a hat and I’m lazy so I threw them in my pillowcase still on pillow I might add) and pulled one out.

Doctor ~check

Buys potatoes ~check

Oh so yummy looking ~check

Somewhere back in Canada my mother was smiling and on one knee thanking god!

I sent the fruit doctor, oh I’m sorry, the fruit-dentist an email. He replied within 10minutes…not bad, not bad! We decide to meet for coffee mid day between meetings (for both of us) I walk in and wow, yeah, fruit-dentist man is even more attractive then I remember him to be.

SIDEBAR: personal history has taught me that very attractive men equals douche-bag….but I try to throw that thought out the window.

Everything is going well, we chat about my job (aka jobs!) his new job (he just graduated from dental school) potatoes (I couldn’t not ask what he made with them) He’s talking about how much he loves his new job and how being cosmetic dentists really makes the world a better place.

AND THEN….. (you knew there was a THEN coming!)

He starts in on everything that is wrong with my teeth! From the colour, to the point of my custpid’s (?—canine teeth), the one filling he can see, my gummy smile, and so on….

I was like talking looking down, trying not to smile, and somewhat covering my mouth.  (Characteristics, which are so not me!) I decided to leave the date early.

Fruit-Dentist: I thought your meeting was at 4?

Me: I know, I’m sorry it got rescheduled just before I got here.

Fruit-Dentist: Ok, well, you owe me a rain-check.

Where? In your dentist chair to fix my terrible teeth!? Is this guy serious! 

First off, I would like to think I have very nice straight teeth for never having them whitened or having had braces or the like.

In fact, the thing that bothers me the most about this is I am a teeth person. (Apparently, not as much of a teeth person as he is)

If you have bad teeth you don’t have a chance with me. If you are my friend and you have bad teeth you are an amazing amazing person because I have overlooked this and overlooking bad teeth is hard for me.

And then this douche-bag has to go and tell me I could use some teeth “improvements”

Well at least he paid for my coffee!

FACT:  Fruit-Dentist made himself mashed potatoes.

(reason #___why I’m single: I don’t have perfect teeth)

Ok, I’ll say it. Get it out in the open. Here we go. I have Penis Envy.  I mean who doesn’t!?  I am fascinated by them!  And I am constantly reminded by my spam inbox that I can make mine bigger with just one pill. I may need 200 pills because I can’t even find mine! (I’ve looked, and I’m pretty sure someone would have told me by now if they saw one!)

We have all read articles where they ask women what they would do if they had a penis for a day.  Most end up saying they would have lots of sex. Here is my issue with this answer: So say you get a penis for 24 hours. You have to A: find someone to have sex with and B: you only really have maybe if lucky 10 good “sex experiences” in you. (being honest)

There are so many other things you could do…well after you try sex, at least twice!

So if I woke up tomorrow with a penis: Whatever would I do:

: I’d get circumcised. I assume this is something my parents would do, however, never having seen my father’s or my brothers, or ever having a conversation about circumcision with any member of my family I don’t know.  So I would do it, because frankly uncircumcised penises scare me.

:I’d stick it in things that I maybe shouldn’t.  Like pudding, fruit, glazed doughnuts, milk, pie, and random holes.

:I would try every brand of condom. EVERYONE! Size, shape, texture, to flavor…and speaking of flavor.

:I’d take on the very hard challenge of learning to give myself head. I would master this and show it off to anyone willing to see.

:I’d take pictures of it and have them on my cell phone.

:I’d measure it (length and circumference) and then look up the states on Google, as well as bring these up and compare them with everyone.

:I’d hydrate myself all the time so I could pee everywhere. I’d pee outside, against things, off buildings, out windows. I’d write my name on things, like walls, the ground, and the snow…. I’d paint the town in my urine name.

:I’d learn to flex my muscles so it “dances” that always fascinates me!!

SIDEBAR: I would NOT put it between my legs to see what I look like without one.  I see that everyday.

Dear American Apparel,

I keep seeing your ads, and although it makes me want to run further and further from your stores I want to know when you are going to start realizing my many uses.

I can be turned, switched, converted, and manipulated in a whole bunch of different ways.  I’m actually more then just one “piece” and I have countless ways to wear me.

Come check out MY many colours,

Plum

P.S. Scrunches!!?? REALLY!!???

Quick thing: my writing or blogging is actually more note taking then anything else. I write a lot with my thumbs and my blackberry. Then transfer them to my computer. I wonder if i should start putting the Sprint Blackberry Stamp at the bottom of all those posts, but that would just be free advertising….

The biggest issue with this is the letter “i”. I type fast and don’t hold down the i long enough to always make an ‘I’ and get stuck with a lot of “i” s.

Fact: I’m not apposed to selling out for sponsorship money! I’ll sell out in a heartbeat…in case you are buying!