The Lost Plum…

Had dinner tonight for one of my bestest’s birthdays. (Happy birthday JAM) so we are sitting around our Mexican dishes and tall frozen drinks and discussing the craziness that are our parents. While still talking about sex, cause I mean when does conversation amongst friends not turn to sex. We talked about (I of course made endless fun of) Things you never want to hear your parents say, and this reminded me of awkward sex talks with my mother. So I thought I would share another one~~

The time my mother thought I was …well just read it:  It happened like this:

 I was home on a Christmas break from University, when out of the blue my mother said we should have “a little talk…..I’ll come up to your room in a bit.”  Now at first I was like, ok whatever, let me guess could this be about my credit card bills, but then it strikes me as odd that she would meet me in my room.  See we never really had conversation in my room, or hung in my room, or anything like that.  It was never that our rooms as kids were off limits to my parents, they were just out of the way (3^rd floor was just my bro-boos room and mine all the way at separate end of the hall) So I was like, “whatever mom sure, I’ll be upstairs”  A few hours later my mother comes upstairs.  She sits down on my bed and look visible upset.

“I want you to know how much dad and I love you and support you.”

I say “ok” with an odd look on my face, what is she getting at!

“We will always be here for you, no matter what happens” She goes on like this for about 10 minutes, I’m just nodding my head, saying I understand, sort of rolling my eyes over the crazy that is my mother.

“Are you sick?” I ask.

“No.”  She says.

Hmm….she continues on about my parents love for me how they will support me unconditionally in the choices I make for my life.  Oh my god! They are getting a divorce!  That has to be it! Wow, really? My parents getting a divorce, how the hell did that happen.

Now she’s babbling on about how she can “understand” how I’ve been hurt by boys in the past, and how I’ve never had that much luck with guys, how they seem to always break my heart.

“What are you talking about?”  I say.  I mean I’m not absolutely pathetic when it comes to boys.

“We love you so much, but, but, maybe…(she starts to chock up)”

“What mom?”

“Just…maybe don’t come out till your grandma dies.”

“WHAT?!?”

“We are here….” /

“YOU THINK I’M GAY?”/

“I can understand…”/

“I’m NOT gay, MOM!”

“It’s ok, we, “/

“I LIKE THE COCK MOM!”

(Shock on her face and silence……yes I really did just tell my mom I like the cock!)

“I can’t talk to you when you say such terrible things!”  She storms out in tears.

So my mother thought I had been lost to the ladies in University.  I still bring this up every once and a while when I want to make fun of her (we make fun of each other at my house a lot).

SIDEBAR:  My Dad was so embarrassed when he found out about this a few years later.  “You thought what!!???” He turned to my mom…..I’m pretty sure she once again used her famous line “I can’t talk to you when you”….as she ran from the room!

AND: the thing discussed over dinner that you never want to hear your parents say “would you like role-play that.”