The Lost Plum…

This one is for my ladies (although it can apply to gentlemen as well)

Please.

Please Stop posting photos of your at home manicure / nail job. 99.879% of the time you have polish on your fingers and it just looks sloppy.

It makes me puke in my nose….and I have to see at least 3 of these a day it feels like via social media. I think there are more photos of poorly painted nails then anything else on Instagram. I would even put money down on that fact!

Unless they are painted perfect, unless some one else did them professionally, I guarantee they don’t look as pretty as you think they do.

FYI. you have polish on your skin.

FYI. your cuticles are all messed up.

FYI. it makes you look like you did it while drinking (which to be fair most of you did)

FYI. when you shout from the roof top how amazing it looks…well you look dumb.

so just stop with the bad at home manicure photos….please!

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In New York most of us travel by subway, and by most I mean 99.87239% of us.  There are good trains, and bad trains, good times to ride, and some less desirable times to ride. But in my opinion the worst time to ride the subway is at about 3pm on a weekday.

Yes 2:30-3pm on a weekday is far worse than being smushed into the 4,5,6 morning train and having someone’s hand in places they shouldn’t be.

Because weekday afternoons are filled with one terrible terrible thing. The teenager!

Yup, the cars are filled with these annoying adolescent as they make their way home from school at the same time they are going through puberty.   :shutter:

I spend the whole ride listening to their one-ups on who is cooler and mostly the loudest talker. Did I talk that loud to my friends when I was that age? Gawd I’m old.

So a few weeks ago I was stuck in a car filled with a group of grade 8 boys. They mentioned 8th grade and it’s coolness about 7millin times, so therefore I have come to the scientific conclusion that they are in 8^th Grade.

I tried to look past their blond highlights.

I tried to look past the popped collars…put a jacket on you youngins!

I tried to just look past the whole situation.

But alas….sigh.

I couldn’t help but over hear their conversation as we rode the subway for 35 minutes together.

And therefore:

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you the future Douchebags of America!

“Have you ever got brothered? It’s the worst”

“Oh, yeah! Have you ever been friend zoned? Sucks!”

“Have you ever seen that old movie Salt? With Angelina Jolie. I’d let her handjob me she’s had kids her vag is messed up!”

“I totally Facebook fap to my cousins hot friends! They are like 25.”   “Oh, 25 year olds are the percent fucking age!”

“Sometimes I just blank on a girls name. I mean who cares really.”

“Yeah we video chat and I record them. I’ll send it to yah. She’s like legs spread the whole time.”

“My dad hired an assistant he could bang in the office!”  “Dude I’m going to be an accountant like your dad!”

“I told her if she pierced her clit maybe we could hookup.”

“She has a very large family and a very small suitcase if you know what I mean!”

SIDEBAR: If someone can explain what a small suitcase and large family means I would very much appreciate it. K thanks.

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It’s almost December…it’s so very close.

And so people have not only started pulling out their winter coats, but they have started buying new ones.

FYI. That little tag on at the end of your sleeve is to be removed!

You know the one that says 100% Cashmere, or “insert designer name”, I even saw one on some one the other day that said “dry clean only”

It’s usually white, in fact it’s almost always white.

TAKE IT OFF YOUR COAT.

If I see another one on in public I’m going to lose it!

Like this girl on the Q Train this morning. Who I’m sure really likes her new winter coat, although let’s be honest how great is a “Cashmere Blend” coat anyways.

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I was at a friends wedding a few months back. Her third wedding at 31. Which isn’t the issue here. In fact I don’t hold anything against people who have been divorce or married a ton I times. That is to say I don’t have an issue against certain people in this category. Some just need a good smack or an eye roll.

We have all been young and madly in love. We’ve all jumped into love and honestly sometimes I’m even a little jealous of people who go ‘Boom Bam’ in love…although that idea does terrify me and I’ve also become very cautious in my old age.

But back to my friend and the point I’m trying to make here.

The night before when I actually for the first time got to meet this new man of hers…. (Who is completely wonderful by the way). BUT I couldn’t help feeling like something was off about it. And as I spoke with another friend about it I ended up with this conclusion that I could be wrong about…what do I know.

I’ve decided some people especially those who have been married before do so again to almost prove a point.

In fact, I wouldn’t say this is just specific to marriage but a lot of people moving on from a major relationship.

Some of us put up walls higher then they were before ( * raises hand *) and then some of us jump head first into something they see as good enough to prove they can make a relationship work.

They can love and be loved and this time it will work.

In almost a “just you all watch” fashion.

And it is not always to prove it to the outside world like friend and family and onlookers but to almost in a sense prove it to themselves. Tell themselves they can be “normal” they can win the game of having and keeping a successful relationship.

They can win the game of white picket fences and all that stuff.

I mean to an extent don’t we all play that game. I won’t fall for any more assholes, I won’t date a liar again, I won’t this, I wont that…. and so on. All a game, and when you do start to date someone regardless of how much they lie or what have you we put on the illusion that they are better than the past, because we want to ‘win’.

And although I sit and shake my head I can’t help but almost cheer them on, because if all they want is a successful relationship then I cant be anything but supportive of that.

But if you want to play the game like that I better see you walking around with a blue ribbon pinned to your shirt, otherwise what was the point?!?

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I’ll admit it, I sometimes fall into the trap of Pinterest (fact: I’m not linking it, go find it your self)

Working in marketing I notice ‘trends’ you might say. And one trend I tend to see a lot of on Pinterest is Dips.

Yup Dips! And 98.7859% of these dips include either cream cheese or cool whip.  (some maybe even both)

But they all have this note about how using fat free cream cheese makes it ok.

FYI (Midwestern Housewives I’m talking to you)

If you’re bringing something called Twixbar dip, cookie dough dip, chicken cream dip, or god knows what else that makes me puke in my nose when it comes on my screen…. using fat free anything ain’t helping you one bit!

If you’re eating anything called “DIP” and you think it’s fat free or good for you…you’re crazy!

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